The title of these posts are ironic in more than one way…
Catch Part 1 here
After the bullshit of Friday night, things went back to “normal” with Mick for the rest of the weekend. Back and forth nothing comments about what we were each doing. He sent a couple of pictures of the hotel and downtown Cincinnati.
But again on Monday, he started in with the “wish you were here’s” and “somedays”. Each time he uses those words, my side drops off completely. I prefer not to engage with him when he starts talking about imaginary things.
Tuesday is when things started getting heated up again. I was still upset with him. I may have let him have the last words, but they were mean-ass fighting words that had been festering in my heart over the entire weekend.
The fact that he had seemed to move on from it like it wasn’t a big deal didn’t really help things. From my perspective, it seemed very much like he was blowing off my “episode” like he would blow off one of his girlfriend’s “episodes”. (Can we say “gaslighting”, folks?)
Unfortunately for him, Tuesday morning I was still not ready for any conversation with him beyond, “Lovely weather!” and “Did you sleep okay?”, but he wanted to make plans for his return and talk more about “someday”s.
Ummm…. Excuse me, WHAT?!?!
So it’s my job to keep track of deadlines you set for **yourself**?
Somehow that’s *my* bad?
That is how our phone conversation started. He hemmed and hawed about how it’s not just about “the contract” any more, he really wants to “make a future” with me; he can totally see that happening.
Well, I fucking can’t.
I told him it’s called limerence when you “love” someone so much you don’t give the faintest shit about what the other person wants or feels or needs.
He didn’t have the foggiest clue what I was trying to say.
It didn’t get much better from there.
I told him how I don’t like how, every single time I express an issue about him with him (at his fucking insistence!), he deflects it back at me. Somehow everything ends up back on me.
I told him how much I hated the fact that he refused to listen to me on Friday night when I begged him to go have fun with his friends. He told me that I chose the wrong words and I should have used different ones that he would be able to understand better.
Incidentally, this is the fifth time he has told me that I chose the wrong words so he misunderstood my meaning. I have asked multiple friends each of these times if they would have understood what I was trying to say. Every single one of them told me I was very clear in what I meant.
I told him how much I loathe it when he pretends he didn’t understand what I really meant because of my choice of words. I told him that, if he can’t understand what I am trying to say and needs different fucking semantics (all the fucking time), maybe I am not the right girl for him because my friends don’t have a problem understanding me.
I told him (again) how much I hate the way he treats his girlfriend. I asked if he pays for his fair share of rent/utilities/household bills – he said, “I pay for what was agreed upon in the beginning”. I explained to him (again) that I will never be his Sugar Mama.
I told him that I hate being manipulated emotionally and, whether he chooses to see it or not, he’s been doing it this entire time. And I will not tolerate it any more.
I told him that he’s had the better part of 6 months to change and show me that he wants to be with me. Then I asked, “What has changed?” His best answer was that he had started a list of things he needs to get done. Really?!?!? A fucking LIST??? All this time he could have told his girlfriend that he isn’t happy with his situation any more and he would like to make some changes and possibly move on. All this time he could have spent trying to get a real job with scheduled hours and a paycheck.
The entire time he was defending himself (understandably), deflecting things back onto me and begging for more time.
When he finally realized none of that was working, he said, “There must be some deeper issues bothering you. It can’t be any of this little, trivial stuff. Why don’t you let me help you?”
I had actually prepared myself for him to say that, because he’s said the exact same thing before.
“Oh yeah?!?! Why don’t we blame something else for my frustration with you so you don’t have to take responsibility! Okay. Here goes… Since you refuse to believe that it’s any of those actual things I just told you about RIGHT FUCKING NOW, (even though it is only those fucking things that are bothering me), why don’t you blame my ex-boyfriend, huh?! Why don’t you blame him for leaving me without telling me why or what was wrong with me, HUH? Every fucking day I still wonder! Every fucking day I still miss him and cry! Someday, maybe when I figure out why my fucking soul mate left me without so much as a ‘Good-bye’, maybe then I will be able to fix my squashed heart enough to have another relationship. But right now I keep trying to cover up the heartache with new and different pain so I don’t have to feel his. If you can’t admit my problem is with you, then why don’t you fucking blame him!”
“I’m done with this,” is all he said before he hung up on me.