I am very disappointed in myself for re-engaging with Mick. I should have let his little tantrum be the end of us.
*sigh* But that isn’t the choice I made and I’m now reaping the consequences = excuses, excuses, excuses…
Let me explain what went on with me when we talked.
Yes my behavior was not acceptable. I have agreed with that and apologized for it. Ending the relationship is the last thing I wanted.
The emotions started when I read your text where you “announced” that on Sept. 27 my time with you is done. Don’t know any other way to take that than “you” have decided that “we” are finished. Then when we were on the phone, you said I was too demanding of your time and you were paying for more of what we done. Then you went off how you couldn’t get over not knowing “why” your last bf just stopped talking to you. That sent me over the edge and 25 years ago came back in an instant. She just “announced” that we were done. No explanation, no trying to work out any issues. Just done. I couldn’t stand to go through that trauma again. She was dead in a few months. I could not deal with the thought of losing someone I love again. My rage was so high that I couldn’t think of any of my other safety mechanisms other than to hang up. I will never be able to explain all of the hurt, the fear, the anger or rage that I was feeling at that time. My blood pressure went down before long but my nerves are still not back to where they were before.
What I wanted to be done was not us, it was the emotions.
In my head, this so-called relationship is over in a matter of weeks. But, instead of responding with an angry, upset email, I decided to try a different path. One calmer and kinder (at least that’s how it seemed to me at the time).
Mick, I am sorry that you lost your late wife and even more sorry as to how. There is nothing I can do or say to alleviate the pain you feel in regards to that and I am very truly sorry for your loss.
As I am sure you are aware, sometimes the words “I’m sorry” can’t make things better all by themselves.
There is a ton more stuff that I want to say, but those things don’t matter if you will not acknowledge them. We’ll just keep throwing words back and forth at each other and not accomplish anything.
Before you speak to me on Monday, please look up the following items and learn about them:
- Limerence – https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence
- Gaslighting – https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/power-in-relationships/200905/are-you-being-gaslighted
- Separation anxiety
Thank you and have a safe drive
Really, all I wanted from him during this interchange was SPACE and some time (and for him to look up those things I asked him to). He still hadn’t give me even a scrap of time to cool off from our initial argument the Friday prior.
I WANT you to say a ton more stuff. Tell me what you wanted to say in your phone call (Tuesday), tell me what your version of your time with me is all about. That cut me right to the bone.
“Tell me what your version of your time with me is all about.” ???
“I will be up all night anyway…” ???
What the fuck is that?!?! Stop thrashing your words around trying to lay some kind of guilt trip on me. It will not work.
Fine, this is what I wrote earlier, printed and then decided not to send because it was so mean.
I didn’t actually want to be mean, but that seems to be how you want to play right now.
(Here’s a screen pic of the letter, but the entire text was filled with things that I have already said to him and you have read here)
Also, I asked you to look up that shit for a reason.
- You are gaslighting the fuck out of me
- You are in limerence and you refuse to see it
- And it seems that you are experiencing some serious separation anxiety.
You NEED to fully understand what those things are by the next time we talk.
When they were done riding for the day, I received a barrage of emails from him. And, guess what?! He hadn’t looked up ANY of those three items I mentioned.
Why are you cussing at me? I am not looking for a fight. Simply stating my feelings is not mean or argumentative. You said the things that stirred my feelings. But they are my feelings.
Nobody said I wasn’t going to read that stuff. I just asked you to write about your feelings, not what somebody has done to you. Using your words.
How do you consider me being mean? Why do you have to be mean? Aren’t we trying to “figure” it out.
If you want something to consider mean, I’m sure this will do it. Even though it is not meant that way.
In these emails I am hearing you say that everything is my fault.
Is that so?!
I think I have been awesomely clear with what I am meaning.
And maybe *I* have complicated *my* life a lot, too. Did you ever think that, mother-fucker?
These are questions I wrote down yesterday. Can you answer them for me? Nothing mean or hateful or anything else bad. Just question that help me understand what you meant.
Can you tell me what you meant when you said ” come Sept. 27, your time with me is done”.
Can you tell me what the demands on your time were that you referred to in our phone conversation?
Can you explain so I understand what it is that you are paying more and more of with us.
What type of relationship would you say that we have been having?
How would you like to see that go?
What can you do to make that happen?
What would you like of me to make that happen?
Before I went to bed that evening, I responded (even though I shouldn’t have).
Even though you haven’t dignified any of my questions with an answer, I will answer these.
1. What I meant was: you will no longer have claim to my Thursday nights and Sunday afternoons and Tuesday lunches. It means I will get to date single people and have my time back to myself. You and I would still be able to talk about stuff and hook up – like friends with benefits. But not all the time and not every week.
2. In the case of money, what I said was wrong. However, money will continue to be an issue for us given your chosen situation.
3.The best example would be the one I stated in my attachment to you. How you assumed that I would be available to talk to you whenever you wanted me to be. Then there was the Sunday night when I missed skating… But you apologized. There have been other times, I did not make note of the dates and times. However one was when you got back from your last trip and wanted to see me that Sunday. I did not agree, you just said when you’d be picking me up.
4. An affair. I am your mistress.
5. “How would you like to see that go?” Well, I really don’t want to be your mistress or your girlfriend any more.
6. “What can you do to make that happen?” Tell you these things right now
7. “What would you like of me to make that happen?” Do you seriously want me to answer this one…?
Right now I am more than little concerned. I wish you could see how you appear from the outside. I understand you are afraid but you’re smothering me and I think maybe separation anxiety is getting the better of you. I might not have ever been any kind of trained or licensed counselor and I am *not* diagnosing you, but I am fairly intelligent and have been gifted with amazing intuition. I’m no spring chicken either.
What questions have you asked? I have been through the emails and text again and don’t see any questions. I will gladly answer them.
You had somebody else on the line trying to get you back. I blew off two FWB’s because I wanted to be with you. I considered us more than just having an affair after that. I believe that was mutual. We talked a lot about the age difference and seemed to have worked through that. Even the differences in what we liked didn’t seem to be an issue. That was a mutual agreement to try some of the others likes to see how it was.
Yes I remember the missed skating. As I recall, I didn’t remember you skated Sat. and Sun. As far as the other times I don’t recall you saying anything about missing something because of me. And as far as access to you whenever, it seems there is something in the contract about that. Since we were having more than just an affair. The more involvement of time is a progression of a relationship.
And the last question. I do want you to answer it.
Right now I don’t think you want to try to resolve anything with me. Have you spent as much time trying to find a way to fix the issues you pointed out?
We can talk on Monday. And did you make the reservation for Tuesday? Until our contract is up, I still have our regular days.
I am not sure how I got to be such a villain so quick, but would like to know the details of it. You seem to have other things that you based your “diagnoses” from. Those are what I would like to know what you were seeing. And yes I keep asking for details about your examples. I want to know what the fear part is. That was interesting. And separation anxiety. I am real interested in that one.
Did you even read the attachment I sent last night?
The angry mean one yes. That is not what I thought you meant. Will definitely answer them. On the road in about 20 mins. Will reread and reply a little later. Altering the route to visit a friend in Kansas that went into long term care.
Have a great day
His reply to my questions:
I do know some of those answers but not all. Birthday is the 14th and you are 45 now. Your eyes are not brown but not green. If there is a name for that I don’t know it. I think your shoes are 7 1/2. Dress was a 10 I believe. And I think your ring size was a 4. Those things I would never buy for you. I would take you to get them and buy so didn’t remember for sure.
And again, though I should have kept my mouth shut, I responded.
The issues I pointed out are issues that I have with the way you treat me. I can’t resolve those issues. I can only tell you what they are and I hope you think they’re legitimate enough to try and correct the behavior/issue/whatever. You have only acknowledged me once and that was about the “Are we having fun yet?”.
Back in March, when I said that I was worried we would fall in love and get too attached? Yeah… That was limerence speaking = puppy love, infatuation, a crush… I was caught up in the moment and the fantasy. Since that time, I’ve had several reality checks and my initial infatuation has waned significantly.
Do you remember about 2 months ago at the Motel 6 when we were sitting on the tailgate of your truck and I was trying to read a letter that I wrote to you? I didn’t even make it through two paragraphs before you started “correcting” me and telling me everything I read/said/thought/felt was wrong. I cannot be in a relationship where my problems and issues are stifled and smothered until I just give up. Every single time. That is how it is with you. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life struggling to get you to believe me and acknowledge my feelings/issues. Even now I’m being stifled to the point where I don’t even want to talk to you anymore. The only way I can ever see to fix an issue with you is for me to just give up and shut up about it. But that only “fixes” the issue for you. *I* just end up getting more and more resentful of you because you will not see what I am saying/feeling as valid. You keep gaslighting me = “a form of psychological abuse in which a victim is manipulated into doubting their own memory, perception and sanity. Instances may range from the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred, up to the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim.”
“What would you like of me to make that happen?” Well, since my answer to your previous question was ‘I really don’t want to be your mistress or your girlfriend any more’, I guess what you could do is let me go peacefully and without fighting me so much when I tell you I don’t want to continue with “us” any more…
Please be more Zen with this and much less forceful. At this point, all the forcing and arguing with me has made it so I really would rather not talk to you at all.
You are correct on my birthday and age, however I will be turning 45.
I like to think that my eyes are green, but they are technically hazel. Yes.
We have never discussed any of those sizes that you mentioned and I am absolutely none of them. I am a dress size 14, ring size 7 or 8, shoe size 9.
And my favorite color?
Type of music?
I will be out late tonight. My friend from work is taking me out to try on shoes, smoke a whole bunch of weed, then go to dinner and a walk. If it rains, we’re going to play pinball.
~ If you love something, set it free…
Then Mick went off the deep end…