I figured out my problem.
I feel trapped.
You have already claimed me and told me how it’s going to be for ever and ever for the rest of my life. I appear to have no choice in the matter whatsoever. However flattering that is, it’s terribly scary not to have a way out! At the very least, it would be nice if I felt like I was arriving at my forever-choices on my own. At this moment, I feel like those choices have already been made for me – by you, and that I am powerless in what I might actually want, whether it works out to be you or something else.
It seems like you are going “power through” until I feel how you want me to feel. That’s how it was with that crazy old guy who wrote those terrible (and true) things about me after I broke up with him. What if I never feel how you want me to feel? How do I get out?!?
I am helpless and defenseless with you, as I was with him, and that is very scary to me. He idealized me as something I am not – just as you are. And, I cannot stress this enough: I am NOT that angelic person you keep telling me I am, either. You deserve much, MUCH better.
I’m not turning you into that guy. The situation, circumstance and also how you are treating me – those things are turning you into that guy. Those things are scaring me away because it’s so much like it was with that guy.
Everything you promise me sounds perfect and wonderful and everything I’ve ever hoped for. I have learned that if something is too good to be true, then it is.
I am not sure if these are walls my heart has set up to protect itself or if it’s simply my common sense and experience telling me not to be so stupid and naïve ever again. I can’t let someone else have control of my future instead of myself.
Maybe you should find someone more pliable and controllable; someone who will go along with what you’re saying and not be so scared shitless and resistant.
These are my feelings as best as I can describe them to you.