I’ve been remiss with my “therapy” and it’s been showing in my everyday life.
As my writing has dropped off, so have my spirits.
To be honest, I stopped writing because I was feeling stupid for the choices I was making and I no longer wanted to share them here for fear of being judged.
Because I am judging myself.
It’s already been 5 months and I am still trying *not* to hate myself for the choices I made with Jim/Mick.
…still trying to convince myself that the terrible things he wrote about me are not true.
My instinct now tells me to run from everyone who expresses any interest in getting to know me better.
…my inner self constantly doubts my ability to choose authentic people
…my imagination correlates each new situation with an old, bad one
I’ve become closed off and distant; even dropped out of some people’s lives entirely – people who deserve to be treated better.
I’ve tried to develop something more emotionally intimate, but a monstrous wall erects itself almost immediately.
Then I run like hell to get away, hurting the person who tried to care.
Sharing my body with a person is one thing (apparently it’s very easy for me), but letting them into my mind is terrifying!
If I let someone else in there, that means I have to face my demons, too!
The journey to self-discovery is almost as frightening as being vulnerable!