Last week Alaska and I were talking about general things and, I don’t remember how the subject of self-esteem came up, but it did.
I told Him that, every morning while I am doing my yoga, I repeat over and over to myself: “I am light, I am love, I am a gift.” (I have been doing this since mid-January.)
But, even though I repeat that mantra to myself day after day, I am still unable to feel love for myself.
I mean, I think I am a cool person, and I believe that I am indeed light and love and a gift and all that, but I still don’t love myself.
In fact, for all the good things that I
allegedly am, I still pretty much hate myself.
Alaska got fairly upset with me for not being able to see my wonderfulness and began to list things about me that should make me proud of myself…
Instead they made me cry.
We talked some more, and He gently explained that, as with everything in life, loving myself is going take practice. And the place I absolutely have to start is by telling myself, “I love me” every time I feel like directing a hateful or mean thought inward.
“You really do just have to fake it ’til you make it, sweetheart. It works for so many things,” He said. “Every day you have to fight those negative feelings with positive thoughts. One day you will say how much you love yourself, realize that you believe it and you will feel amazing.”
So, I’ve been trying.
But every time I add the words “I love myself” onto the end of my mantra, I can’t stop the flood of tears that follows.
And they don’t feel like tears of joy or relief.
change growth takes time.
And I’m not used to this feeling…