Aside

On: Hating Myself

Last week Alaska and I were talking about general things and, I don’t remember how the subject of self-esteem came up, but it did.

I told Him that, every morning while I am doing my yoga, I repeat over and over to myself: “I am light, I am love, I am a gift.” (I have been doing this since mid-January.)

But, even though I repeat that mantra to myself day after day, I am still unable to feel love for myself.

I mean, I think I am a cool person, and I believe that I am indeed light and love and a gift and all that, but I still don’t love myself.

In fact, for all the good things that I allegedly am, I still pretty much hate myself.

Alaska got fairly upset with me for not being able to see my wonderfulness and began to list things about me that should make me proud of myself…

Instead they made me cry.

We talked some more, and He gently explained that, as with everything in life, loving myself is going take practice. And the place I absolutely have to start is by telling myself, “I love meevery time I feel like directing a hateful or mean thought inward.

“You really do just have to fake it ’til you make it, sweetheart. It works for so many things,” He said. “Every day you have to fight those negative feelings with positive thoughts. One day you will say how much you love yourself, realize that you believe it and you will feel amazing.”

So, I’ve been trying.

But every time I add the words “I love myself” onto the end of my mantra, I can’t stop the flood of tears that follows.

And they don’t feel like tears of joy or relief.

But change growth takes time.

And I’m not used to this feeling…

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11 thoughts on “On: Hating Myself

  1. You are loved, you are enough and people are thankful for you. I can’t say it any better than my good friend Justin Bieber. “Love yourself” 😘 Xoxo

  2. Imposter Syndrome takes many forms. One of the things I’m still working through (with the help of an expensive but qualified professional) is my gut reaction to compliments. I don’t hear “you’re good at this thing.” Instead, I hear, “You’ve managed to fool everyone into believing you’re actually good at this! Well done, you! Better hope they never figure out the truth!” It’s the same for all compliments, too. “Good person” = managed to con this one into thinking I’m kind, “Pretty” = did my makeup especially skillfully today, etc.

    And when we first started working on just believing honest compliments? Ooh, the brain weevils came out in force, ready to burst that bubble before someone else could do it for me. They said nasty, bitey things whenever I tried being kind to myself. It was a defense mechanism, of sorts, but a very maladaptive one.

    Now, I don’t know for sure that that’s what you’ve got going on… but the feels you’re describing sound very familiar to me.

    1. oh my goodness, what you wrote just made me burst into tears
      that’s exactly how I feel and I know I am fucking crazy for it, but those are like the things my brain says too!!! And I don’t feel like I can ‘fake it til I make it’.

      You’re amazing for pointing this out to me!!! I’ve never heard of it before and now I am going to research the HELL out of it. I can’t thank you enough because knowing is half the battle! XOXX

      (“brain weevils”, LOVE that!!)

  3. i did not learn to love myself until i found a way to forgive myself for all of the crap i thought was so wrong with me. Day by day i come to a clearer understanding of who i am. of what my needs and wants are and that they are ok. There is nothing BAD about me. My king loves me and my desires. And that is all that matters. Slowly i began to see myself through his eyes. Eyes of love not eyes of ridicule and judgment. Yes there will always be pieces of me i wish were better, different. But I have embraced myself as a lovable smart, funny human with much to offer the world and my loving partner in this life. I hope you find your self love too.

  4. From what I’ve seen and read, you are a beautiful woman, inside and out.
    What Alaska said was pretty spot on and kudos to him.
    You have many friends who love you. The proof is in the pudding. I, for one, think you are the cats meow! The Bomb!
    When you look in your mirror there is beauty and love and you MUST tell your self each and every time.
    When you start to think negatively, give your self a hard little swat and tell your self how amazing you are. Because, little one, your are! ❤

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