Crazy Times

The last two years have been all over the place.

More bad than good, sadly.

You know, sometimes, no matter how positive you are (or try to be), life is just shit?

I moved across Denver a little over 2 years ago.

A week after that, my car was stolen. Presumably by an ex-boyfriend.

Last summer (2017) I finally lost my real estate accounting job with the crazy girl and the incompetent upper management.

For a minute (6 weeks), I had my absolute dream job working for Romantix (an adult toy store). It was a high-volume accounts payable job. Almost every single word on every single invoice was NSFW. That was AWESOME!! I loved it. But I clearly wasn’t meant to have that job. The day after my 46th birthday, a Friday, I was fired.

The icing on that cake is: the dude who fired me, was fired the following Monday ☹

I was destroyed. Tears still come to my eyes when I think about it. It kind of feels like a really bad breakup

And all during that time, I attempted to have a relationship with a narcissist…

Over and over and over and over and over again

…that totally ruined me.

I turned to self-harm, alcohol (lost and lots of alcohol), one-night stands, food; I was a recluse.

At least the only drug I was doing was marijuana.

The self-harming ended when I ended that relationship.

Since all of that I have attempted to “get along” with quite a few men and it seems that all of them only want sex.

I don’t want to be that person any more.

I don’t want to simply fuck.

I want something more meaningful.

I only stayed with Alaska for so long because I enjoyed our physical connection, but he didn’t want to do anything more than fuck, too.

At the very end, he made a feeble attempt at what he called a “relationship”.

But his talking on the phone with an ex-girlfriend who was trying to buy a house (and other clients) while we were “on a date” at Burger King, wasn’t MY idea of a date.

And his constantly telling me I was crazy when I was legitimately upset at him felt like gaslighting.

I want someone that will go out in public with me and try new things with me while NOT working or talking on the phone or checking social media accounts.

I want someone who listens to my issues and actually tries to understand me.

Apparently, at my age, that is a tough order to fill.

I want to find a connection like the one I had with Loserman – however brief that was.

OH! And speaking of Loserman… Every once in a while, I reach out to him because I feel like torturing myself mentally.

He used to respond in kind.

The last time, this spring, he replied like he had no idea who I was.

It surprised me how it felt. My heart clouded over a little and I lamented the time I spent with him…

But it also helped to give me closure.

And now here I am, some random person with a random dating blog who hasn’t written about life in ages, talking about not dating any more…

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