Suicide has always been something my brain tosses about when I get frustrated, but I never really talked to anyone about it because:
Why should they even care?
Everyone has their own shit to deal with.
What can they do to help?
The voices in my head can be overwhelming and I am the only one who can silence them.
My drinking has gotten out of control.
The voices in my head are getting harder and harder to silence (this could be related to the drinking)
I hardly even take pleasure in roller skating any more (and that one, folks, is the most upsetting!)
I recently started going to a Psychiatrist.
On my first visit I told the Doc that I had spoken with my oldest daughter, Thing #1 (now 22), about making plans to die together. My reasoning was:
Thing #1 would be the only one to miss me and I would be the only one to miss her. Life is stupid and hard, and I am so much over it…
Thing #2 doesn’t even reach out to me anymore. She’s lived with her dad for the past 2 years now and her communication with me gets less and less as time passes.
No one ever wants to talk about it. When I mention it, people pooh-pooh it and tell me the reasons why I shouldn’t kill myself.
But *I* want to talk about it!
I understand all the reasons. Those are the reasons why I haven’t done it yet.
Maybe people are worried that, if they acknowledge someone’s suicidal thoughts, it’s giving them a voice.
But don’t those suicidal thoughts already have a voice?
My problem is when I can’t let that suicidal voice out
When there is no outlet.
Talking to my shrink about it hasn’t helped. She said next time I talked about it, she would commit me and put me on suicide watch.
And I can’t see how that would help me – being locked up and told over and over again not to kill myself might make me want to do it more.
You know how sometimes “when it rains it pours”? You know the Law of Attraction?
Argh! They seem to be working in the opposite direction, not matter how positive and grateful I try to be.