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Suicidal Tendencies

 

Suicide has always been something my brain tosses about when I get frustrated, but I never really talked to anyone about it because:

Why should they even care?

Everyone has their own shit to deal with.

What can they do to help?

The voices in my head can be overwhelming and I am the only one who can silence them.

But how?

My drinking has gotten out of control.

The voices in my head are getting harder and harder to silence (this could be related to the drinking)

I hardly even take pleasure in roller skating any more (and that one, folks, is the most upsetting!)

I recently started going to a Psychiatrist.

On my first visit I told the Doc that I had spoken with my oldest daughter, Thing #1 (now 22), about making plans to die together. My reasoning was:

Thing #1 would be the only one to miss me and I would be the only one to miss her. Life is stupid and hard, and I am so much over it…

Thing #2 doesn’t even reach out to me anymore. She’s lived with her dad for the past 2 years now and her communication with me gets less and less as time passes.

No one ever wants to talk about it. When I mention it, people pooh-pooh it and tell me the reasons why I shouldn’t kill myself.

But *I* want to talk about it!

I understand all the reasons. Those are the reasons why I haven’t done it yet.

Maybe people are worried that, if they acknowledge someone’s suicidal thoughts, it’s giving them a voice.

But don’t those suicidal thoughts already have a voice?

My problem is when I can’t let that suicidal voice out

When there is no outlet.

Talking to my shrink about it hasn’t helped. She said next time I talked about it, she would commit me and put me on suicide watch.

And I can’t see how that would help me – being locked up and told over and over again not to kill myself might make me want to do it more.

You know how sometimes “when it rains it pours”? You know the Law of Attraction?

Argh! They seem to be working in the opposite direction, not matter how positive and grateful I try to be.

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12 thoughts on “Suicidal Tendencies

  1. There is a big difference between sharing suicidal thoughts with a therapist, and giving them reason to believe you are actively suicidal. A therapist should be able to distinguish between these two or at least ask you: Do you have a plan? Do you have means to follow through with this plan? etc… Your therapist should create a safe space for you to discuss these things, but has every right to refer you to an inpatient hospital if you have a plan in place and express your desire to follow through. I think it would be really important to discuss with your therapist. You have the right to ask them why they are unwilling to discuss the topic of suicide. I hope you are able to work it out and feel like you have a safe format to express your feelings.

    1. Attacking a person with a barrage of questions and hope and facts – after that person tells you they want to die – ISN’T going to help them. I promise. It will probably make them feel worse than they already do (like your words did with me).

      When a person mentions suicide I don’t think they should EVER be told that their decision is wrong. Maybe try to understand the person and try to be compassionate with them.

      I strongly believe that we are not put on this planet to judge others and their situations and whether or not they can handle them.

      I copied and pasted most of this reply from another because I felt it also applied to your comment.

      Thank you for sharing your opinions. 🙂

      1. I never once said you do not have the right to commit suicide, I simply said that YOUR THERAPIST has a legal obligation to provide a safe space for you to discuss it, but if you have given them the inclination that you are going to follow through, they are obligated to report it. It is their job, and they could lose their license if they did not do their job properly. Your therapist asking you “are you going to follow through?” is not meant to be insensitive or unhelpful; it is protocol.

  2. I’m really glad to hear you feel like talking about it. Most suicidal people will never open up and discuss it. Which is why the world ends up being SO SHOCKED they killed themselves. It’s a terrible thing if we can’t feel free to talk about the most serious things in our lives. Is it at all possible you would consider seeing a counselor in addition to your psych? Most psychiatrists are not into therapy these days – just prescribing more and more meds until the troubled person is so doped up they can’t think clearly anymore. A really great therapist however, might offer you some help.

    You might try really hard to cut back on the drinking because you’re pickling your brain and thought processes. Okay, so daughter #2 is out of your life for now, but that doesn’t mean forever. Suicide IS forever. And, may I ask… why would you talk your other daughter into doing it with you? There is much to see and do in life and even if you currently think it’s all for shit and worthless, she has a future. As you do, even if it all seems hopeless.

    I say this feeling pretty hopeless myself but it’s not the issue. Everyone has tough luck and crap to deal with. People with no money, no friends, no job, poor heath, etc etc. It goes on and on. Then there’s all the addictions we all have. But you know what? The one thing we all have is hope. We can always wait one more minute, hour, day, etc and things are always changing. We ourselves have an amazing and incredible capacity to change when we really want something.

    I hope you choose to change and that things improve for you. I do get it. I have been suicidal in the past too. Always here to chat if you feel like it.

    1. I didn’t try to talk her into it, I asked her. Maybe it’s the same, maybe it isn’t.

      I’m not generally a mean person, but I really am curious why anybody who doesn’t know me gives a shit whether I’m alive or not. You don’t know me. What difference does it make if I’m here or I’m not here?

      This is what I wonder about people. Maybe I’m a terrible person because I believe when someone feels so bad they can’t do anything to change their situation but be dead, they should do what they feel is right for them.

      1. I don’t know why. I just do. It seemed like a cry for help but even if it wasn’t, I guess I’ve always been a caregiver – in that I mean I care about others. I give a shit when someone writes about obviously being miserable enough to off themselves. Yes, I’d like to prevent that happening, but more than that I guess I just want to know WHY are you so unhappy you just don’t want to exist anymore – and have your daughter go too? I did not think you were being mean btw.

        1. Why am I so unhappy that I just don’t want to exist any more?
          – Because I have never been good enough to be firstly important in someone’s life – not even my parents. Because every time I feel like I have a victory, it gets squashed by some new battle. Because I am exhausted with being confronted every single day with things I don’t know how to handle or cope with. I’m 47 and I thought life would get easier for a little while, but it doesn’t and it hasn’t.

          When does it get easier?

          You said: “Everyone has tough luck and crap to deal with. People with no money, no friends, no job, poor heath, etc etc. It goes on and on. Then there’s all the addictions we all have…”
          – Even if my psychiatrist would rather dope me up than do actual talk therapy, SHE STOPS ME EVERY TIME WHEN I COMPARE MYSELF TO SOMEONE ELSE’S SITUATION!!! She says that everyone is different and no person or situation is like another AND that I shouldn’t torture myself by telling myself that other people have it worse than me.

          Fine, the daughter thing was wrong, but I do not regret it.

          However, it still doesn’t make sense to me why any person I do not know – and never will know – gives a crap. I care about others too, but if they really want to kill themselves, attacking them with a barrage of questions and hope and facts ISN’T going to help them. It will probably make them feel worse than they already do (like your words did with me). When a person mentions suicide I don’t think they should EVER be told that their decision is wrong.

          I strongly believe that we are not put on this planet to judge others and their situations and whether or not they can handle them.

  3. Don’t know what to say Smitten. But saying I sometimes feel the same does not help either. I know because I have been told that before and it would just anger me. Distractions is the way to go, although when it is heavy, there isn’t much that can actually distract you.

Talk to me :-)

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