Bipolarity

I’ve been seeing a shrink

It started after I told Thing #1 I wanted to kill myself and asked if she wanted to come with

That was when I finally realized I was out of control

It’s been since high school, some 30 years ago that I’ve felt so self-destructive

But for the past year or so, I’ve been worse than I ever was

Cutting myself

Isolating myself and drinking way too much

No sense of self-worth

So, I thought it would be best to find someone who could help me

Therapy started August 7^th and I go every 2 weeks like clockwork

But I’m not sure it’s helping

The first three sessions were just talk therapy

While she decided on what kind of crazy I have

Once that was out of the way, she could decide if medication would help

(She’s a psych, so of course she decided it would help)

This is the exact reason I didn’t want to see a shrink in the first place

But, in the second place, maybe something is actually chemically wrong with me

I’ve been on 3 medications so far

Latuda made me too ill, way before I got to a therapeutic dose

Pristiq made me feel inarticulate and slow

Lamictal is what I am taking currently

I’m at 75mg a day and I’m thinking about telling my Doc that I am done with meds

The Lamictal is messing with my head

When I don’t take my full dose every day, I feel out of it

But I can’t seem to notice anything has changed when I take it

Except that now I am seeing things

Which are either hallucinations

Or beings from the spirit world that I could feel before but never see…

My paranoia has increased

And I have become more withdrawn

(but I can’t tell if that’s from the medication or the depression)

Again, I want to quit

Both the therapy and the medication

What makes it worse is, there’s no one but me to tell myself I have to keep going

And she’s not here right now…

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