Smitten with Him

grown-up stuff happens here sometimes


on November 27, 2018

I’ve been seeing a shrink

It started after I told Thing #1 I wanted to kill myself and asked if she wanted to come with

That was when I finally realized I was out of control

It’s been since high school, some 30 years ago that I’ve felt so self-destructive

But for the past year or so, I’ve been worse than I ever was

Cutting myself

Isolating myself and drinking way too much

No sense of self-worth

So, I thought it would be best to find someone who could help me

Therapy started August 7th and I go every 2 weeks like clockwork

But I’m not sure it’s helping

The first three sessions were just talk therapy

While she decided on what kind of crazy I have

Once that was out of the way, she could decide if medication would help

(She’s a psych, so of course she decided it would help)

This is the exact reason I didn’t want to see a shrink in the first place

But, in the second place, maybe something is actually chemically wrong with me

I’ve been on 3 medications so far

Latuda made me too ill, way before I got to a therapeutic dose

Pristiq made me feel inarticulate and slow

Lamictal is what I am taking currently

I’m at 75mg a day and I’m thinking about telling my Doc that I am done with meds

The Lamictal is messing with my head

When I don’t take my full dose every day, I feel out of it

But I can’t seem to notice anything has changed when I take it

Except that now I am seeing things

Which are either hallucinations

Or beings from the spirit world that I could feel before but never see…

My paranoia has increased

And I have become more withdrawn

(but I can’t tell if that’s from the medication or the depression)

Again, I want to quit

Both the therapy and the medication

What makes it worse is, there’s no one but me to tell myself I have to keep going

And she’s not here right now

6 responses to “Bipolarity

  1. You are telling all of us here and we all are ready to listen. It is indeed hard and you are doing well to even talk about it. One better than so many others out there.

  2. A step forward, however small is still a step. You are doing brilliantly. Asking for help is the biggest step. We are all here and listening and supporting.

Talk to me :-)

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