Smitten with Him

grown-up stuff happens here sometimes

Suicidal Ideation

on December 4, 2019

“A person with suicidal ideation may not ask for help. However, that does not mean help is not needed or wanted. Many people who die by suicide do not actually wish for death – they only want the pain to go away. Prevention of suicide begins with recognizing  the warning signs of suicidal behaviors and taking action.”¹

I need help…

Recently I have been feeling pretty desolate.

Lonely…

Mostly because it seems like I can’t many any good choices and partly because my daughter (and best friend) is all grown up now and has a life (boyfriend) of her own. Even though she is still my roommate, she isn’t around for me the way she used to be.

I got a dog, hoping that she might be able to help me with my struggle.

To be honest, I feel even more like a failure with her…

“Individuals who struggle with thoughts of suicide usually have a hard time thinking flexibly and their ability to see an end to pain and a life worth living is greatly compromised.”²

Suicide is so easy for me to rationalize.

Life seems stupid and pointless to me.

I don’t like bringing it up with people because, most of the time, their response doesn’t help. It’s usually something along the lines of: “It’s not that bad” or “Other people have it worse”.

Like this one:

Those statements hurt and I end up feeling even more like a failure. Thinking: what is wrong with me!?!

I feel like a permanent problem that needs a permanent solution!

But….

What do you say to someone who tells you they want to kill themself? That they would rather be dead than alive?

As a person who is constantly contemplating suicide, *I* don’t even know what I want you to say.

suicidepreventionlifeline.org

¹ https://www.valleybehavioral.com/suicidal-ideation/signs-symptoms-causes/

² https://www.nationwidechildrens.org/family-resources-education/700childrens/2019/11/suicide-is-not-a-choice


9 responses to “Suicidal Ideation

  1. iamsunnyd says:

    I often find myself saying I don’t want to feel. Because that’s the only way I won’t hurt… I sleep a lot but that is a temporary fix. I’m debating on sitting on someone’s couch to fix me because I need help… I hope you find the strength to get some.

    • smitten says:

      Thank you, Sunny! ❤ I don't want to feel either. You're right about the hurting!

      I went to a shrink for 6 months and she didn't help me at all. She didn't give me any coping strategies or help me learn any cognitive behavioral techniques- she just wanted to medicate me. After the 3rd different anti-depressant, I fired her.

      Hoping you find the strength too!!! XOXO

  2. Hi babe, I’m here if you need to talk. I had two moments yesterday were I thought ‘wow, I’m so grateful to be alive, I’m so thankful to still be here’, and believe me, this time at the beginning of the year I was not thinking that at all, I felt thankful and relieved at the prospect of not being here, I know it may not help at the moment but I promise you, one day you’re gonna look back at this moment and be thankful you made it through. Love you ❤️

    • smitten says:

      Thank you for your positive words!!! I’m glad you’re still here too!! ❤

      For now, I will have to take your word that I will get better (and keep thinking positive)… it seems like I have always felt like this.

  3. matchpenalty says:

    Hi, I’ve had suicidal ideation for almost as long as I can remember. I have accepted it as one of the ways I cope with my past/stress/trauma/all of it. People cannot deal with it though. They don’t want to know that you think about killing yourself all the time. I’m sorry you are dealing with it, but know that it’s normal. It’s been 35+ years for me, and I’m still going. I have tried to talk with people about it but they don’t react very well. Some of us get it though, we are out there. I am listening, not very helpful but listening. I am so much better than I used to be – I promise it really will get better eventually.

    • smitten says:

      Thank you for saying something!! It is good to know that there are others out there feeling the same way. I have joined a couple Facebook depression groups, but most of the members are young people – and I can identify with them, but they can’t identify with me. It’s isolating in a group where I think I should feel a part of things… My feelings waver, too. Right now I am in a dark place, but sometimes it’s partly cloudy to mostly sunny!! I just have to remember those times and remind myself they are coming 🙂

Talk to me :-)

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