Smitten with Him

grown-up stuff happens here sometimes

F*** Life

on August 24, 2020


Life has been beating me up recently

It doesn’t help that I can’t stop thinking about killing myself

(I do recognize how those two statements are related to each other in an evil downward spiral)

We’ll start in the middle because I don’t feel like writing about the beginning quite yet…

I adopted a dog last September 7th (read here). I’d never had a dog before.

Ultimately, I found out I was allergic to her but I tried to keep her and deal with it (read here).

One night she was sleeping and I cuddled up to her, like I did sometimes when she was awake.

She bit me. Hard!

It happened April 14th, during the heaviest of COVID shit. While we were locked down.

I should have gone to the hospital…

Right after it happened, I made my daughter cover all the mirrors so I couldn’t see my new ugly face.

That picture was 2 days afterward, and doesn’t show how bad my upper lip and ear were.

The next morning we humbly surrendered Tori back to the place where I got her. The lady was so understanding as she told me that her dog had bit her like that (worse actually) and she’d had it since it was a puppy. She explained that older dogs can get dementia – and Tori’s life was pretty crummy before I got her.

It helped. A little.

Poor Tori. I freaked out completely when she bit me and I locked her out of my room – her room… the next morning I fed her, my daughter took her for her morning walk and then I surrendered her 😭 I didn’t show her one tiny bit of affection for her last 8 hours with me.

It’s 4 months later and I still feel like a shitbag fuckface for that bout of stupidity. It’s so hard to not hate myself for that.

Any of it.

Especially since I teter on that edge every moment anyway.

Fast forward to a week ago…

I was coming home from a not-so-good evening of “Uber”ing. It was around 10:30.

There was a dog wandering down the middle of a very busy street, at an oddly not busy time.

I pulled my car into a parking lot, got out and started calling it to me. It actually started coming to me when I saw a big jacked-up truck coming down the street toward us. I tried to flag him down. I yelled.

But he ran right over the dog.

The dog flipped and flopped under the truck, but (amazingly) after the truck passed over it, the dog ran into a used car lot and hid. (Or it went further, I don’t know how hurt it was)

It was a bad neighborhood and I had left my car idling in a vacant lot. So I went back moved it to a “safe” place and locked it.

I proceeded to look for the doggo for about 45 minutes, but there was no way it was going to come to me at that point. On top of it, I didn’t have food or water and the busy street was now as busy as it should have been before.

– It’s an area with lots of used car lots and “ladies of the evening “, and also very near where I’d had a scary experience when Loserman was still in the picture… quite a while ago. (read here)

Anyway… I posted in Facebook on my page and in a couple groups and no one said shit…

Hopefully someone has found that poor dog and given it the help it needs.

But little things can really get to you.

Yesterday I was on a walk and a woman was walking her dog across the street (on one of those loooong leashes) and the dog was far behind. A truck was coming and I wanted to yell to the lady to fucking get her fucking dog, but it all worked out and no one was hit by a truck…

Now I can’t stop breaking out in hives for more than 3 days at a time. Originally, I thought it was Tori.

(completely unrelated…) Things that bring me pleasure when I eat them I now cannot eat without a severe physical reaction.

Sometimes it’s just a few little hives but, other times, my scalp or eyes or face or tongue or hands or feet swell up so bad I can’t help but whine.

Angioedema that’s called… It hurts like a mother-fer!!

So I’m kinda bummed.

4 responses to “F*** Life

  1. Da Absentee says:

    Hopefully, its healed up properly. Hope you can identify your triggers. Feel better *hugs*

  2. davebolter9111 says:

    Hope you’re doing well today.

    Warm thoughts toward your recovery.


  3. Kevin Halston says:

    Hoping that things are getting better for you.

Talk to me :-)

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: