Life is Hard (and scary, too)

Life is overwhelming me. So much so, that I am curious how I’ve made it this far.

I mean, my kids are grown and I am 49 years old. Somehow I managed to get married and stay married for 20 years. I found the courage to get a divorce… I’ve interviewed for many jobs, left those jobs for new ones, made friends and met new people, moved from MN to CO…

But, the past couple of years haven’t been going very smoothly for me and life has become increasingly difficult.

Mostly because literally everything scares me any more, and that fear is starting to affect my quality of life.

Some of these fears are normal fears that most everyone has; others are so irrational and intangible that they’re hard to put into words..

Where did all this fright come from?

I’m scared of getting fired from my job, being evicted from my apartment, starting and keeping relationships, responsibility, change, trying new things, sticking with things… and the list just goes on…

It’s seeming to get worse, not better!

My extremely successful father (who I have never been close to) is on the brink of death, yet I can’t bring myself to call him because I’m scared.

Like, honestly, at this point of his dementia, does he even remember me? Do I want to have to deal with my feelings if he doesn’t? It already feels like I didn’t matter to him, do I need to turn the knife?

And, to be honest, my father has never (and I say that as an actual 100%-NEVER-EVEN-ONCE) reached out to me once I moved out (over 30 years ago!): never called, never wrote a letter… When he visited for my eldest daughter’s graduation weekend, he didn’t even speak to me (or my daughter for that matter).

I’m having self-confidence issues and feeling very much like a “lucky imposter”.

I (think I) am really good at my job (in accounting). I feel knowledgeable and like I know what I am doing, yet my supervisor frequently says and does things that make me think like she feels I’m a moron. When I make suggestions, she says “Just do it my way”, but I have 25 years of fucking experience and she only has 8; I’ve had 10 jobs to her 3… I feel that merits at least a little acknowledgement – or does it?

It’s starting to make me doubt my intelligence and my ability. Like, have I been lying to myself?

I have a side business that I can’t get started because I am scared to put myself out there. I tell myself that it’s because I’m not a salesperson, but I know it’s because I am more comfortable inside of myself than outside.

I’m even scared of my blog here (let alone the one on my ‘actual’ website). I don’t know what to share any more… When I was writing often, it was because I had someone to write about; experiences I wanted to memorialize. Now, it seems like I only have shame and the fear of you learning about it…

I don’t know where all of this fear came from (or is it shame?), but like in my last post (read here), I am still teetering on the edge of sanity and trying to convince myself every single day that life is worth staying alive for.

I am trying to add more gratitude and positivity to my days with goals (and CBT – cognitive behavioral therapy)

• Quit drinking (some days are more positive and successful than others)
• Yoga every morning
• Exercise 5 nights/week
• Journal once-twice/week
• Uber/Lyft to make at least $200/week (both to get myself out and also because I am broke AF)

And, I still can’t figure out what is causing my hives and angioedema. As soon as I think I have the issue pinned down, I break out for no reason with no triggers and have 3-5 days of miserable discomfort.

---