Smitten with Him

grown-up stuff happens here sometimes

Struggling with Self-Control

on April 29, 2021

Working through my ‘new’ allergies (or whatever-the-fuck-they-are) has made things a bit more challenging than I would prefer.

I guess it serves me right for all those times I thought someone was faking their food allergy.

And trying to keep my drinking in check is barely working at all 😦

There are weeks when I can go Mon-Fri and not “need” any alcohol (then I “celebrate” over the weekend because I stayed sober all week).

Other weeks, I can barely wake up without having a compulsive need to start drinking immediately.

Funny thing is, I haven’t noticed that my depression subsides any more when I don’t drink than when I do.

There is very little that I look forward to any more and, unfortunately, drinking alcohol is something I look forward to nearly every single day.

Alcohol is what keeps me from doing pretty much anything. I look forward to getting home and starting to drink.

And it’s not beer or wine or mixed drinks. I am drinking straight-up alcohol (I mean, who needs those extra calories anyway?) – tequila is my choice, but anything will do “in a pinch”.

Some nights I can’t even remember what I ate for dinner! But that’s really the whole point of drinking so much.

Who really wants to remember their day, anyway?

On my computer desktop I have a shortcut to the AA Meetings list. I seriously look at it 3-4 times a week, planning to actually go to one of the meetings. But, as the day goes on, I talk myself out of it and into buying a bottle instead.

I have only been to one AA meeting <read post here>. It was in December of 2019 and it completely overwhelmed me! I chose a small-ish location that was between home and where I was working at the time and I could tell that the people were happy to see me there and wanted to help…

But, I guess I wasn’t ready to start that part of my life’s journey or maybe it wasn’t the right location/crowd.

I couldn’t get up the courage to go back.

1.5 years later, I can barely get up the courage to do anything…

Except going to the liquor store on my way home from work…

Talk to me :-)

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