Smitten with Him

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Life is Like a Joke (for Someone Else)

There were a couple of days last week that could have possibly gone a little bit better.

Last Tuesday started out like it was going to be a normal day. I woke up with Alaska, morning sex, shower, kiss good-bye, the whole bit. It was nice.

But…Tuesdays

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“Emotional Intelligence”

fuckyou

What Is Emotional Intelligence?

According to Psychology Today:
Emotional intelligence is the ability to identify and manage your own emotions and the emotions of others. It is generally said to include 3 skills:

1. Emotional awareness, including the ability to identify your own emotions and those of others;

2. The ability to harness emotions and apply them to tasks like thinking and problems solving;

3. The ability to manage emotions, including the ability to regulate your own emotions, and the ability to cheer up or calm down another person.

Why am I telling you this? Read the rest of this entry »

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Work and Sex Don’t Mix?

Sex on Desk

There’s a gentleman at work. He’s one of our agents and works as an independent contractor. He doesn’t come into the office very often, but we talk on the phone quite a bit.

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The Nigerian

Azi = Youth

Azi and I have had 3 “dates”: one back in November, one two weeks ago and one last Monday. We had dinner together the first time and sex all 3 times.

It was good sex all 3 times. He’s a very nice man, but there isn’t any ‘electricity’ (probably that’s because he’s not a total douchebag asshole that needs me for my money *sigh*).

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Lunch

Holy Fuck! This is supposed to be a blog about my Adventures in Infidelity, but I have been so consumed emotionally with work that I can barely think about anything else.

I need to get the fuck out of this place and here is why:

Crazy Girl at work offered to take Boss Lady to lunch today.

Boss Lady accepted.

I can’t help but worry that it’s because they want to talk about me behind my back.

Maybe they’re going out to lunch with my Caregiver so all 3 of them can bitch about what a cunt I am.

It sure would be nice if I didn’t feel that way.

It would be a lot easier to do my job if I wasn’t constantly worrying about my co-workers going out of their way to find my mistakes (electronic, verbal and emotional).

I completely understand that the world doesn’t revolve around me.

And I am trying not to think about it.

But, the truth is, I fucking care about what other people think and (especially) what they are saying about me behind my back.

I want to, but I can’t shut it off.

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Entitlement or Reasonable Expectation?

This post is from last Wednesday.

I am going to whine.

Again.

I have been dreading coming into work.

Every.

Single.

Day.

The only thing motivating me lately is my paycheck.

Sad.

Yesterday, when I woke up, I even tried thinking:

If you know it will be a great day, it will be a great day!

But, as soon as I could see the office building on the horizon, my heart sunk in my chest and I felt like I would vomit.

I’ve been craving donuts every morning and there is a Voodoo Donuts right on my way to work.

am proud that I have only gone there twice since I started working here a little over 2 years ago.

But, both of those times were in the last 14 days *sigh*

In the last month I have had some challenges.

Not only with the Off-the-Chain-Crazy-Girl that I work with in my local office (who I have written about a couple of times in the past), but also with two ladies that work in the Atlanta office. Those two are always challenging my authority and trying to find all my mistakes. I make mistakes, of course. And I own them when I find them — or someone else finds them for me — I just don’t like it when they are put on public display and I am humiliated in the process of pointing it out.

My awesome Boss-Lady nipped the Atlanta ladies about 2 weeks ago, but there is still residual tension…

Which would be okay to work through except for Off-the-Chain-Crazy-Girl here in Denver. It’s just her and me and Boss-Lady; the 5 Realtors are in and out of the office all of the time, but none of them work full-time here (and all of them are men).

I am lucky that I have my own office, right?

That should be one of the things that I look forward to when I come to work, right?

Or should I feel more like I am in a cage being held captive for 40+ hours every week?

I used to work in a cubicle environment. It was not ideal, but it was okay.

There have been many times recently when I wished I still worked in a cubicle because, then, no one would be able to come into my office and close the door behind themselves to have a “private” conversation with me. The start of the conversation being, almost every time, “I don’t know what your problem has been lately. Blah, blah, yammer, yammer…”  (her ‘polite’ approach really helps me to be attentive to her…)

When I try to speak up, I am then told not to interrupt: interrupting is rude.

Once, I did get to say, “This right here, when you come into my office, close my door and start off by telling me I can’t defend myself. That’s kind of what my problem is.”

Needless to say, that didn’t end well.

Every time I defend myself to her she says, “But YOU did that to ME, too.” Sometimes I did, more often I didn’t.

Am I wrong to think that my office should be an environment that I can actually have some control over? (notice I say “some”, I understand that complete control is out of the question.)

There are so many uncontrollable elements that come at me every day, I wish I could feel that my office was more of a safe haven. Someplace where I can feel comfortable and “in control”.

But I can’t.

When Off-the-Chain-Crazy-Girl comes into MY office and closes the door behind herself, I am immediately put on edge and feel defensive. At that moment, I have lost complete control of my “safe haven” environment and I feel like I am in fight-or-flight mode. Especially when she is standing over me, directly between me and my only way out (my office is very small. There is no room for both of us to be standing on that side of my desk in front of the closed door. It’s definitely not big enough in which to have a heated conversation) and I am forced to wait until she allows me to speak or she finally leaves.

Most times, these conversations start with, “I don’t know what’s been going on with you lately” or something very similar to that. And, when I attempt to respond (aka ‘defend myself’) I am told not to interrupt!

Basically, it feels like I am sitting captive in MY office while she stands over me ‘insisting’ on how we need to make things right. Right now. Eventually, when there is a break where I can speak and I try to weigh in, I am told not to interrupt?!…

It’s like Off-the-Chain-Crazy-Girl is a bully who wants me to be her BFF and will keep forcing me to like her until I finally do (even if it’s out of sheer terror!).

I would love to be able to work from home 1 or 2 days a week like Boss-Lady. Or maybe work four 10-hour days? I asked. It’s not possible.

I also asked about moving to one of the agents’ cubicles and letting the agents use my office as theirs. That’s not possible either.

I should just be thankful that I have a job. Office or not.

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Words About My Weekend

I have all sorts of thoughts racing around in my head. If this is fragmented, I apologize. It’s just my frustrated thoughts.

The trip to my Caregiver last Friday night went much worse than I expected. *sigh*

Like every other time when I go to buy my stuff from her, I gave my Caregiver a hug right away, put my money on the counter, and asked her for what I wanted.

This time she said, “I don’t think so, Hita. Not right now. First I think we need to talk about what’s been going on at work the last couple of weeks. I’m really upset with the way you’ve been treating my daughter .”

The look on her face and the tone in her voice led me to believe that she was going to be cutting me off.

I asked if I could sit down and take off my jacket (I wanted to get comfortable for the rest of my “talking to”, and I also wanted to listen to what she had to say because I really respect this woman). She told me to make myself comfortable and then asked me if I wanted a glass of water.

“No, thank you.” I responded.

Before I went over to her house, I expected that she was going to want to talk with me about how things are going at work; about my interactions with her daughter. I actually wanted to talk to my Caregiver about it and see if there is a different way that I can approach her daughter.

I also hoped that maybe she wanted to hear my side of the story.

She didn’t, at least not until all of the very worst things had been said.

I am an idiot to have thought that initially would want to hear my side of the story. According to her daughter, I had been a complete ogre to her for the last two weeks.

My Caregiver proceeded to stand in front of me and tell me all the things wrong that I had said to her daughter.

The Off-the-Chain-Crazy-Girl that I work with has been lying to people outside of my normal circle (yet whom I still respect) about what I am saying to her. Apparently, I told the Crazy Girl that I don’t want to be best friends any more (???), and I told her she treats me just as badly as she treats her boyfriend (every time he makes her unhappy she threatens to leave him, then she fucks him later to ‘make it right’ – I would be happy if she left me!).

I never said a single one of those things to Crazy Girl.

I guess I make the poor girl cry every single day and now all the people in my office can’t stand being around me because of it. The exact words from my Caregiver’s mouth were, “Nobody in your office likes you right now.”

My heart fell out of my chest onto the floor and I think I stopped breathing. I thought that most of the people I worked with, the 5 agents in the office, liked me just fine. Boss-Lady gave me my annual review just last week and told me that I was doing really well working with the people around me and is proud of my improvement.

In my head, I was ready to put my jacket back on and leave. But, like I said, I respect this woman. She has helped me through some difficult emotional times and I appreciate her straightforward point of view — and I really REALLY wanted to buy my drugs(!!!).

Eventually, after she had broken me down to the point of trembling and barely being able to breathe, she let me defend myself.

I told her that I understood her protecting her daughter and I appreciated it because I have daughters, too.

I explained that I never said those things to her daughter. Not once. Ever.

I said that Crazy Girl has a tendency to take things very personally when I am simply being professional. I explained that I have been a trainer at several of my past jobs and have NEVER had these kinds of problems when I am trying to teach someone something.

It’s like Crazy Girl is holding me responsible because she feels stupid when she finds out how simple the thing was… You know? She even calls herself an idiot after I help her. *I* don’t.

My Caregiver heard everything I had to say and apologized for hurting my feelings and bringing up the whole thing.

But she had to. In order for our relationship to survive, she had to concede a small bit and I had to listen to an hour of slander.

It hurt and I am SO glad that I had today off (Columbus Day, bank holiday).

I don’t think it was a long enough time to erase the hurtful things I heard on Friday night. I will just have to hunker down and work on the budgets and try not to think about the lies that my crazy co-worker is telling about me behind my back. *sigh*

I don’t know how to be anyone else but myself…

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Saturday night, right after I parked my truck at the skating rink, my friend ‘Amy’ knocked on the passenger window and asked if she could get in. She needed to talk.

I unlocked the door. She sat down next to me, closed the door and started to cry.

She told me that, about a month ago she got herself involved with Sexy Skaterman. She had just broken up with him that morning.

It turns out that she couldn’t handle all of his sexy talking to other women (and sexy touching). Even when he told her that he was “just talking to them, baby. It’s nothing.”

Last Thursday night, someone approached Amy and told her that she shouldn’t get involved with Sexy Skaterman because he was a player.

That, along with him touching some other woman all night Friday while they were supposed to be on a date, made her rethink her “relationship” with him! Then, he took her home and acted like it was no big deal.

She couldn’t handle it and broke up with him. She was glad to see that I showed up to go skating Saturday night because she didn’t know if she would have been able to make it by herself.

I had no idea this woman was involved with that asshole.

But, apparently Loverman knew all about it.

And when I told him about it later while we were talking on the phone, Loverman said, “I told you I didn’t like that guy. I know he’s a player. If I ever find out that you slept with him, you will be SO sorry. I get so angry when I see you talking to him.”

First, I guess I’m glad that I didn’t sleep with Skaterman.

Second, I am kind of grateful to see that Loverman is finally claiming some kind of ‘possession’ of me.

Third, what he said really hurt me. I can’t figure out where I am at with Loverman. He’s very jealous and scared that I will fuck someone else, but he practically throws me into their arms with his vocal and blatant lack of trust.

I tried to reassure him by saying, “I’m not going to fuck Skaterman. I know what kind of douchebag he is and I am glad I haven’t fallen under his spell. I just wish that you could hear me when I tell you that my heart is all yours. I wish you could see it. It breaks my heart when you tell me how much I don’t care about you.”

Loverman wouldn’t hear me. He was blinded by jealousy and focused on the fact that he thinks (rather, he knows) I am definitely going to fuck Skaterman (which I am not).

I got upset with him and asked him to change the subject. I told him that it would be a lot easier for me to NOT screw around on him if he wasn’t constantly telling me he knows I’m going to.

When he gets like that I can’t talk to him. He’s completely blinded by jealousy and rage at all of his exes.

But, instead of getting my feathers ruffled this time (because he is partly right about me), I let him be angry with me for potentially cheating on him with someone I didn’t. Even though I could have because Loverman is always telling me I am going to anyway.

I realize the last paragraph was practically unintelligible. I just hope you could understand what I am trying to say…

And I haven’t even had a single drink since the bottle of wine when I got home Friday.

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Must Haves

Yesterday was meeting-centric at work.

There is one Wednesday every month where we have a sales meeting for 2 hours in the morning, then we have an hour break to check our email, eat and pee, etc… and then we’re back in a manager meeting for another hour.

I don’t look forward to those Wednesdays, but I don’t necessarily dread them either.

It’s the one day a month when our office has more testosterone than estrogen. Meetings with the sales men have been some of my favorite meetings and it just so happens that I fancy one of them. I always try to get a spot next to him…

Anyway, we currently only have one sales woman and she’s the boss (Boss-Lady).

She said something in yesterday’s morning meeting that made me think.

When someone wants me to help them buy a home, the very first thing I do is sit them down and make a list.

One side of the list will say “Must Have” and the other side of the list will say “Want to Have”.

I make a copy of that list and as we walk through each house, I check off the items on the list.

Do you think it would help if we carried around a list of the things that we “Must Have” when we’re trying to find our someone?

DatingChecklist

How often do you think the things on that list would change?

Every time we have a failed relationship?

Sometimes maybe in the middle of them?

It got me to thinking, though, and I think my current list would read a bit like this:

  • I need him to want to act like an adult. For example — take responsibility for his actions (mistakes and all).
  • I need him to want to take care of himself (because if he can’t care for himself how can I possibly expect him to care for me).
  • I need him to want to grow and learn.
  • I need him to be patient and understanding with, and not isolate himself from me for a week (or longer) when I have an attack of PMS or disagree with him. Clue = that is when I need him the most.
  • And I need him to NOT tell me that I am ALWAYS oversensitive because I am NOT!!

Most times I fight it successfully. I’m sorry that my stupid PMS monster comes out that goddamned twice a year, for fuck sake! It’s not like punishing me with silence is going to make me happier or something.

Ahem… **attempts to regain composure**

Anyone?

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Can I Be Friends With My Boss?

Me: I never really liked her. I thought she was a bitch.

Boss-Lady: Oh, you knew her well?

Me: No, but I usually go off my gut feelings. She was always so aloof and unfriendly.

Boss-Lady: To be fair, you think everyone’s a bitch.

Me: Are you saying that I think you’re a bitch?

Boss-Lady: I’m pretty sure you do.

Me: I definitely don’t like it when you tell me how I feel. That’s for sure.

Boss-Lady: It is how it is.

Me: Okay. Well, I’m sorry you feel that way.

And I walked out of her office.

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I thought about that conversation for a couple of hours after it happened. It really bothered me. We were talking about a former employee that was fired for insubordination and just plain bitchiness — I would say that, in this case, I was right to trust my gut instincts, but wrong to express my feelings to my boss.

Which is sad because I thought she was my friend (well… she was my friend before she was my boss at least…) but lately she’s been just plain mean to me.

I’m starting to get the feeling that she isn’t my friend at all. She’s just a mean-spirited lady tucked inside a facade of niceness.

Here’s the deal, her daughter is going through some health issues and just had a baby. Also, her daughter is very much like me (and Boss-Lady) — strong-willed. I think that, because she is unable to fight with her daughter right now, she’s transferring that shit over to me.

At work.

Twice now she has actually said to me, “You’re just like my daughter. You can’t be happy with anything!”

Is that an appropriate thing to say to your employee? Friend or not…

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Happy Friday!

I hope that your Friday is going better than mine is — and Thing #1‘s.Bear

My Truck, Bear, decided to act like a COMPLETE nut this morning and idle at 3,000 RPMs! I couldn’t settle him down at all and there was no way I was trying to drive in 45+ minutes in traffic with that going on. Oh, hell no!!! Tomorrow morning I will have to get up early before grocery shopping and try to clean out the spark plugs, wires and cylinders…

I am so lucky that Boss-Lady is so cool! Not everyone can call their boss up at 7:30 in the morning, trying not to cry, and ask for a ride to work. She doesn’t live too far away from me and we still ended up getting to work mostly on time — only 5 minutes late.

While I was riding in with Boss-Lady, Thing #1 called me and when I said, “Hello,” I could only hear her angry huffs on the other side in response. After a couple of seconds listening to her, I concluded she was mad at herself and said, “Speak to me, my child. What is wrong?”

“I left my shears on the couch in my bedroom and I had a haircut appointment this morning. They sent me home!”

Shitty! She rode the bus all the way to Beauty School this morning just to have to turn around and wait again to ride home. It’s a 30-minute ride and it was 5 degrees BELOW zero this morning — for both her trip to school and for her trip home! She texted me when she got home, “My toes hurt SO bad!” Now she’s stuck with Mr. Doom-n-Gloom for the rest of the day. Happy times for her…

Good luck to all of you with your days. Maybe this sweet, little video will help you to smile 🙂 It did me.

Do-Wah-Doo
by Kate Nash

HAPPY FRIDAY!

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