Saturday night my roller skates broke. Well, one of them anyway… *sigh*
I just got them in January! A month before I went to Phoenix!!
As time passes and I get farther and farther away from my last contact with Loserman, I feel more and more lost.
Every day I think of a new reason to call him – or I just end up mulling over the old ones.
The biggest reason I don’t reach out to him is fear of rejection.
And, I guess if I had to be honest, pride…
There were really bad parts to our relationship, especially at the end when he seemed to turn into someone else.
But, before that, there were amazing times.
If there wasn’t, I never would have started this blog and named it what I did.
Today, right before the ass-crack of dawn, I will finally be on my way to TC for the weekend!!!
My flight leaves at 5:45 and arrives in Houston at 9:05. I have all day Friday and all day Saturday! The sad part is, my return flight leaves at 1:55 PM Sunday, which means that I really should be to the airport by noon. Especially since I am not familiar with it (LOL! I am so poorly traveled!).
I can have some anxiety in crowds/situations when I am not familiar with the environment or I don’t have “someone comfortable” with me. It’s something that I am working on because I know it’s a huge weakness of mine, but thinking about it can get overwhelming. I have to keep reminding myself that it is NEVER as bad as I think it’s going to be. And, the airport has literally thousands of people who can help.
My dream was that you would always be my “Papa Bear”
That you would take care of me
And I you
That I would be able make you proud
And you would be able to forgive me when I didn’t
I tried to help you slay demons from your past
I tried to help set your spirit free
I showed you everything I am
I gave you forgiveness
I wanted you to trust me
I needed you to trust me
…to be as vulnerable with me as I was with you
I sent the following message this Monday:
No response at all, so I tried again Tuesday morning:
Again, no response.
I decided that, since Facebook is Loserman‘s preferred forum for communication and he’s decided to ignore me in the real world (unless he’s been in jail, laid up in a hospital or dead), I would try to get his attention via the virtual one instead.
Don’t worry, though. I am not a teenage girl and I did not post this status update for everyone’s eyes: just mine and Loserman’s (and now yours 😉 ).
I guess that worked because, 5 hours later, I got this text response from him:
He’s been waiting for that “o-ring” since before he dismantled my engine over a month ago. I’m 90% sure his statement was a lie: a stall tactic because he hasn’t done or ordered shit!
But, at least it’s something, right?
Here’s my response:
He did not reply, but I can see that it was delivered to him.
I have had about as much shit I can take from his Loserman ass. Two and a half more weeks will probably put me at my limit, if not over the top.
I enjoy sucking cock. Given that it is clean and well-trimmed, etc… (irrelevantly, Loserman’s was practically perfect).
Mr. X’s is quite lovely. I would like to have sucked it and kissed it and worshipped it all night long if he would let me.
But Mr. X is the first man who told me that I don’t do it ‘right’ (I haven’t sucked that many dicks, though…)
This is a really big deal to me because it is something I actually enjoy doing. (Hence the reason I am still obsessing about this weeks later.) I have read about it and watched videos and practiced…
I like to be slow and methodical… I use my hands and my mouth… I suck his balls and fondle pretty much everything…
I have dentures so, when my teeth are in, I’m afraid that I will hurt a man.
Plus, everything I have read/heard says “NO BITING!”
Then I watched a NSFW video that Mr. X sent me. It is a ‘training video’ on how to give a perfect blow job.
OMG! I can’t do that!!! Maybe a couple of those things…
I guess if Mr. X was expecting that, he should have been disappointed with me… *shrug*
But it makes me wonder: was I ever even good, or were they just waiting for me to get it over with?
I kind of wish I could ask Loserman. I was never able to make him cum with my mouth. Is it because I wasn’t doing it ‘right’?
It’s incredible how one small, relatively insignificant, criticism can cause me so much self-doubt.
Maybe Loserman left me because my blow jobs only merit a 6.5
Perhaps it’s because my kisses are too sloppy or give him a rash
Either way it doesn’t matter, right?
He’s gone and no matter how *I* feel, it doesn’t matter.
My ‘friends” have been trying to get me to cry about Loserman.
They say I need to feel those feelings…
(My actual REAL friends, all TWO of them, haven’t said anything about it. When they found out Loserman was gone, they both just told me that they would be there for me if I wanted to talk. And that’s all they’ve said.)
Incidentally, I have cried about him every day since last Thursday.
It doesn’t help. Why does everyone tell me it will?
The last time I saw him I told him that I missed him, and his response was, “I miss you guys, too.” WTF? Who are ‘you guys’? My kids?!?!
I’m nothing special to him.
Maybe I feel like I want to quit Mr. X because things are getting difficult.
Emotionally. Physically. Chronologically.
Is this thing even worth it? What will I get out of it besides more broken?
I was excited for what lies ahead of us.
Sharing vulnerabilities. Learning something new together. Pushing boundaries.
But then there’s the disappointment…
And wondering if I am waiting for nothing…
I wish I hadn’t let him in.
I was so excited to learn about submission with him.
So eager to explore that part of myself without shame.
He already knows everything about me.
My mushed-up heart has been mushed-up all over again.
He helped me to put it back together just enough that there’s enough to break.
Then he smushed it.
And even though he didn’t intend for it to, it hurt.
More so because he just helped me fix it!
Because he told me he would.
My freshly broken heart…
We can’t build my trust up that way.
I can’t freely submit to him if I am expecting to be disappointed…
…or for my heart to be smushed.
I’ve become attached.
He wanted me to. I needed to.
I have to stop.
Stop being vulnerable…
Stop getting attached…
I expect too much.
I’m only a distraction.
It only leads to disappointment.
Meaningless words and empty promises…
Does he say them because he thinks it’s what I need to hear?
Words mean so very little when only spoken out of obligation or guilt.
He was supposed to be helping me pick up my pieces and put them together again.
But it’s just creating more pieces.
It’s like we were painting watercolor hearts together and he took his charcoal pencil and scribbled mine out.
The other day my broken heart felt like a panic attack
It started racing
My mind chased after
I had to remind myself to breathe…
“Why do you let him have that much power over you?” I asked myself
I miss us.
Not Loserman so much, but US…
What we were together
When we were awesome
Or were we ever really awesome?
Was I just lying to myself because I wanted us to be awesome?
I am SO angry with him for breaking us
For making me question what we were
I don’t even want us back
I don’t think we could even have us back
So now I’m trying to start fresh all over again
With someone else
Something different we’re learning together
It’s hard to be newly vulnerable and trusting
While I’m still hurting
But he’s being vulnerable, too
I am thankful for this blog so I can just word-puke it all out there
And I don’t have to try and explain all these feelings to Mr. X
He’s trying to help me, but I’m blocking part of myself from him
Right now I wish he could fix me
Beat it out of me
Tickle it, kiss it, love it
SCARE IT OUT!!!
I don’t know, just make it go away!
The memories hurt and I want to forget every bit of it