Smitten with Him

grown-up stuff happens here sometimes

Just Because I Had an Affair …

… doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings

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Fixing Breezy

Loserman was supposed to help me replace the alternator in Breezy Saturday. Help me do it.

But before that could happen, last Monday afternoon I got a text from him:

I can work on Breezy tomorrow (Tuesday) since it’s supposed to be warm.

So, Tuesday morning before I left for work, I put $100 in the trunk along with the new alternator and belt. The cash was supposed to be his payment – time/labor/trip charge, whatever… He’s my mechanic now or Loserman, not my “boyfriend” or AP (or loverman).

He didn’t come over Tuesday as planned. I was hardly surprised. I wasn’t at the forefront of his radar before, why would I be now?

At 3:30 Tuesday afternoon, I got the following message:

Hey, wanted to let you know that I didn’t get a chance to put the alternator on due to I was babysitting and now going to take a nap. I will do it tomorrow.

I simply texted back, “Okay”.

Earlier, I had decided that for each day he was late in replacing my alternator, I was going to take away $20 from his payment. I didn’t tell Loserman.

Tuesday night, before I went to bed, I took $20 out of the trunk.

I didn’t hear from him again until I was getting ready to go to lunch Wednesday afternoon, when we had the following text conversation (Loserman is Red and I am Blue):

Alternator

I needed to know if the core and the new belt were in there with the receipts so I could get my $53 back.

Also, I left his roller skates in the trunk for him to take “home” (and I was feeling a bit passive-aggressive, I’ll admit it). They were a birthday gift from me 2 years ago. I figured that, if he wasn’t going to be skating with me, he might as well have them to skate. His old ones are falling apart and are held together with duct tape.

Alternator2

Nice. Burned again.

If he’s returning the skates I gave him (and he’d better be careful, I might just donate the fuck out of them!), does that mean I have to return the things that he gave me?

Because I don’t want to.

I am using the speakers he put in my truck, and the sunroof motor. However, I have thought about giving back the Cartier Delices he gave me. Smelling like that is heavenly, but it reminds me of him…

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Loverman = Loserman

Until my vehicles are completely fixed (or, until I find a different person to help me fix things I have already paid someone else for), I am going to have to continue communicating with “Loverman”.

Since he isn’t my lover or my man any more, I decided to change what I call him.

So, that prick has now officially been re-named:

Loserman

If he decides to stop being such a mother-fucker, I might forgive him.

Someday.

But he has a lot of work to do to make things up to me and I am not ready yet to even entertain the thought of giving him a chance.

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P.S. You Broke My Heart

My new tattoo. For me. To remind me.

PS_BrokenHeart

 

 

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The Talk

As promised, Saturday morning Loverman came over to my apartment to check on my broken-down car, Breezy, and he needed to put the catalytic converter back on my truck, Bear. (OMG! That’s twice in a row now that he has stuck to the plan! Holy shit!).

While we were waiting for the battery in Breezy to charge, I was going to sit in the cold and just wait – I didn’t really want to sit anywhere close to Loverman – but he told me not to be silly out in the cold when I could just be in his warm and running truck with him.

Electric sparks of tension bounced back and forth between us as we sat together uncomfortably, and then we started talking about our horrible, terrible, no good, very bad vacation.

For 30 minutes or so, he maintained that the entire skate debacle was my fault and that if I hadn’t “started everything off just like last year”, things would have gone well (hmmm… like they did last year???).

The battery was charged completely and I got out to start Breezy. Loverman checked to make sure that it was the alternator that had gone bad.

It was.

With the charge that was left in the battery, I moved Breezy to a better parking spot closer to my apartment, and then Loverman asked me to get back into his truck so we could continue our argument discussion. For a moment we talked about the plans for fixing Breezy, then we went back to talking about the sk8-venture from hell.

As we started to talk, he drove away from the apartment parking lot – so we could have a longer talk without getting interrupted by curious family members of mine wondering when we would be leaving to do the grocery shopping. I tried to break the tension with a joke (huge mistake!). I said, “Well, heck. If you’re kidnapping me and taking me to Mexico at least let me go back and grab my purse so we can get gas and food!”

Holy shit! He stopped so fast that the tires squealed and I thought his truck was going to flip end-over-end (and we were only going 5MPH, still in the parking lot). He pretended like he thought I was serious and acted super-offended that I thought he was going to ‘kidnap’ me. I tried to explain to him that it was only a fucking joke – we used to joke about running away to Mexico together all the time. What the fuck!?!? After another argument, he finally turned around and we continued to exit the parking lot to further our discussion from hell.

After talking to him about it in length, it seems that when I asked him for a kiss and a smack on the ass Saturday morning after our Friday night skate party, it was just too much pressure for him to handle. He simply wanted to shit, shower, shave and sleep. He still doesn’t know why I couldn’t just be happy with a couple pecks when “we had the entire weekend to spend together!”

I said, “I wish you would have told me that our vacation wasn’t going to be sexual. If I would have known that ahead of time, I never would have pressured you for sex or tried to be intimate with you.”

He responded, “I just wasn’t feeling that into it at that moment and I didn’t think I needed to. I was all gross and smelly and we had 3 days to ‘get together’. So I didn’t think we had to be all rushed about it.”

From my point of view, it seems like I had no chance at all of having a good sk8-venture with him. There was no way I could have done anything right — because, in his crazy imagination, I had already done everything wrong, before things even got started.

He didn’t even tell me the rules! (not that knowing them would have helped me at all, though)

Just as I suspected, he had set me up to fail – consciously or subconsciously, it doesn’t matter.

While we were talking, he asked me how much of a relationship is about sex to me. It didn’t take long for me to respond, “It depends on the type of relationship. The kind that I thought we had…. About 50/50, intimacy to friendship. And, intimacy isn’t just sex — I count sharing private thoughts, holding hands, kissing in public, being comfortable talking to each other, etc…”

He then clarified that “friends with benefits” means the same to him as “being in a serious relationship” does to me. He explained that my definition of intimate partners is the same as his definition of friends with benefits.

And after over 2 hours of all of that bullshit over and over again, the mother-fucker still wouldn’t take any responsibility for ruining our weekend.

I spent most of my time trying to explain to him how badly he treated me and how hard I kept trying to have a good time with him – even after he kept kicking me down.

He spent most of his time putting thoughts in my head and words in my mouth — telling me that he knew how I was going to be and what I was going to do. That’s what ruined things.

He’s completely focused on how everything went wrong with our sk8-venture 2014 because of me and (whether it’s my fault or not) he refuses to forgive me or try to get past it.

Unless I will take full responsibility for the nightmare.

He would only apologize for being late.

Remember – his tardiness is something I was never really angry about *sigh*

Like I said at the beginning of this stupid ‘adventure’: “He needs to learn forgiveness or we are done.”

Especially if it’s something I didn’t even do.

He’s already punished me for over a week.

I have been struggling with this thought for the past few days and it gets harder to deny as time passes: I think Loverman and I are done.

Until he has my vehicles up and running, he will be my mechanic. After that, I just don’t know…

Things will probably never be the same with us. From now on, I think it will always be a struggle to communicate with each other.

He is too busy holding onto demons from his past – a time before he ever even knew me.

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The End?

Loverman dropped me off at almost midnight Sunday night (almost two days early) and he took the catalytic converter (aka = cat) off of my truck, Bear, before he left. I have to pass emissions in January and he has been promising to replace my cat before then. We had a brief conversation about it on the hellishly-uncomfortable drive home.

He left and was supposed to text me when he made it home safe. I wasn’t at all surprised when he didn’t.

While I was getting ready for bed, I emailed Loverman a lightly-edited version of what happened last year. Re-reading it broke my heart; I was hoping that it might stir a little emotion in him as well. I didn’t expect that he would read it for a while (or at all), I just wanted to put it out there, so he could see how *I* remember last year.

I was finally in a peaceful place and relatively comfortable. It wasn’t where I wanted to be, but at least it was comfortable. So, I fell asleep waiting on his text.

I woke up Monday morning and surprised the hell out of my family that I was home. I walked Thing #2 to school because she felt bad for my pathetic self. When Doom-n-Gloom got home from work that morning we talked briefly about why I was home so early. Thing #1 woke up later and we talked about what happened and she put a new perspective on things:

Maybe he was feeling really guilty about disappointing you so much all on the first day and he just couldn’t forgive himself for it. Then, when you didn’t get angry with him, it just festered inside because he had no way to release it.

Such a wise point.

Then, the other day, a friend commented:

I feel like after reading both stories that there is more to this story than either of us may know. Two things come to mind that may be possible…he thinks he knows something, like he saw something on your phone, or somebody told him something… or…There could be another woman. I don’t think it is anything you did, I think there is more to the back story than you may be aware of. That is what my gut is telling me…

NOTE: I’ve been thinking about that a lot. Maybe he found the condoms in my purse. Maybe he got divorce papers from his wife (he no longer has a relationship status on Facebook). Maybe he talked with his Mom about going to KC with me and she said something… I don’t fucking know…

Regardless, if he would have said something, then we could have talked about it.

Then I would at least fucking know…

At 9AM that morning I got a text from Loverman (he is RED and I am BLUE):

DayAfterTexts_1

DayAfterTexts_2
That was the end of it.

Thing #1 and I sat and watched some recorded TV shows, I wrote a bit and the day passed uneventfully.

I did a lot of ruminating.

I went out and checked the center console of Bear to get my things and see what “Hawaiian Stuff” he was talking about. (Incidentally, he had found some marijuana ‘wax’ in a parking lot a few days before our sk8-venture. We were going to try it then. I had forgotten about it.)

Also, he left me his spare set of keys to my vehicles. They are were his spare set. They belonged to him. I gave them to him. *sigh*

And he left them for me on his JESUS-fish key chain.

You know…. If the douche-nozzle is trying to tell me something, why the fuck doesn’t he just say it already?!?!

For fuck sakes!

Was that him breaking up with me??? Because it sure as fuck appeared that way to me!

Please help me to understand this!?!

I moved away from the crazy state of Minnesota to get away from innuendo and passive-aggressive bullshit. I’m not going to play games with Loverman, no matter how much I think I love him! No matter how much he wants to!

So…

After no contact for over 2 days, Loverman posts twice on Facebook Wednesday evening.

NOTE: this is something on which I have very strong negative feelings: people airing their personal drama all over Facebook. To me, Facebook is a place where I keep in touch with the people I care about. If I have problems (aka: personal drama) with those people, I take it off-line and communicate with them like we are adults.

Because we ARE adults!

Loverman’s first status update was on his page:

FaceBookDrama_1
“Messed up a little bit”?!?!?! He’s kidding, right?

“My Fault!” ?!?!?! Was that an apology?

Were we even on the same fucking vacation?

Was that his way of saying that *I* fucked it up?!?!

(I hate feeling this way about him, by the way. I used to trust this asshole with my complete and total vulnerability! I think he is still buried somewhere deep down in my heart, but I can’t figure out what in the bloody hell is going on right now. Have I stepped into the Twilight Zone? Did I get hit by a bus and I am currently in a coma and this is all just a horrifically bad dream from which I will wake up and be relieved and thankful?)

He got his ass handed back to him in family comments on that post. Boy, are they angry with him for blowing them off! Especially his two eldest daughters. But, like both of them said, they’re used to it. *smh*

I swear he likes to fuck up so he can have people be angry with him. What the fuck is up with that?!?! For the record, I don’t actually want to be mad at him — it’s just that he was such an epically huge prick this time that it’s difficult to forgive/accept his behavior.

Then he had the balls to post a status update on MY page!!!! He couldn’t call me or text me or write me an email, or even fucking Facebook private message me?!! He has to post his stupid drama on my page; like I am some kind of 14-year-old-girl just like his ass.

FaceBookDrama_2

I haven’t ‘liked’ any updates or comments. I have simply replied, “You’re welcome” to his post on my page.

Maybe you all can provide me with some guidance and enlightenment because, I have no idea what to say.

And, right now, I think I’m okay with that.

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Lethargy and Sadness

I’m only fucking 42

… and a half!

I really don’t know what’s wrong with me.

Something’s pretty wrong with me, too. Because I don’t even want to go skating this week!

In fact, I don’t really want to do much of anything.

It’s not PMS. According to my schedule, I should be ovulating right now. I should be horny as hell.

Which I am, but something else is wrong and  I can’t put a finger on it.

My right hand keeps trying to fall asleep. That’s been going on for about 6 weeks now, on and off.

It doesn’t only happen when I am lying on my arm, it also happens when I am actually doing things with my hand/arm.

I’m pretty sure it’s a pinched nerve in my mid-back. If you wanted, I could show you exactly where it is.

I don’t want to go to a doctor.

I don’t want to do much of anything.

My ankles are starting to hurt me again, like they did right after my broken ankle healed and I started to resume “normal” activity.

I haven’t changed my diet significantly and I can’t think of any new supplements I’ve been taking that would make me hurt more.

My grandfather died of rheumatoid arthritis, but (again) I don’t want to go to a doctor to find out if I have it.

Because if I do, he could tell me what’s wrong with me and that makes it real.

Maybe it’s just the barometer and I can blame the “monsoonal flow” for my incredible joint soreness.

There’s a dark brown patch of skin on the side of my face that just appeared this year.

My face has always been blotchy, but this is a new spot.

The other spots irritated me, but this spot is dark and it’s big and it’s new.

And this sadness thing. That’s different.

I am usually sad as hell and cry at the drop of a hat for 3 days every month, right before I have my period. Then I go back to being a emotionally-regulated human being.

I’m not going to menstruate for at least two more weeks. *sigh*

My gratitude meter is dangerously low.

Usually I uplift myself with thoughts of thankfulness. I have so much to be thankful for.

It’s not working.

I really don’t want to do much of anything.

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Falling Down

Skate Dangers

Last Thursday’s Skate Night was epically bad for me (and epically good at the same time). Thing #1 and I were skating together, arm-in-arm, when one of the “cut-offs” (see reference picture above) turned right in front of us so quickly that we didn’t have a chance to get around him. Our skates got tangled together with his and Thing #1 and I went down hard. She hit her knee really bad and my right hip twisted underneath me. Loverman skated over to help us and we rolled slowly off the floor to take inventory of our injuries.

Both of us seemed to be mostly okay (the guy that collided into us skated away almost immediately. He didn’t even fall), but when I stood up I noticed that my back side seemed a little extra drafty. So, I reached back and felt around and, what do you know? I ripped my pants! Loverman looked at me with laughter in his eyes and I had to ask him if he had any spare pants in his truck (he almost always has spare clothes with him). That day, he did not. So, I asked one of my other skate friends, positive that HE would have an extra pair of sweats in his car. He didn’t either, but told me that they probably sold sweat pants at the Walgreen’s across the street and reminded us that there was a Wal-Mart about a mile down the road.

My sweet Loverman didn’t even blink an eye as he he took off his skates and went across the street to buy me sweatpants, using the $20 bill I had given him earlier for gas money! It was the only money he had and he needed it for gas (so he could get to and from work for the weekend) but instead, he spent it on me and bought me outrageously expensive sweat pants at Walgreen’s! Not only did the pants fit me well, but now I have another sweet reminder of how wonderful that man is to me; and I can wear them whenever I want to feel close to him!

I quickly changed pants and tossed the ripped ones in the garbage, got a drink from the fountain and we were back on the skate floor. My hip was sore, but I skated it out. Thing #1 and Loverman skated together for a couple songs — she was teaching him to do something that he says is impossible, but Thing #1 and I do it all the time… It was a beautiful thing to watch!

It was nearing the end of the night (10:15) and a slow, couples-skating song started to play. Loverman rolled over to me and we started doing one of our backwards steps together. It went fine for the first half of the song, but I was tired and I caught one of my wheels on his. My hip didn’t have the strength to catch my fall, so I was back on the ground again. This time I was completely unable to get myself up and had to crawl off the skating floor (thank goodness I fell by an entrance). My awesome skate-family was there to make sure I was okay, and I was definitely done skating for the night.

Loverman and Thing #1 helped me walk out to the truck… I forced him to take my last $10 because he used all his gas money to buy me pants… He followed us home to make sure that I would be able to drive and then made sure that I made it up the two flights of stairs to my apartment.

When I woke up Friday morning, Thing #1 was there to give me a hug (and wipe the tears) and Thing #2 helped me get around the apartment, but I was struggling to walk and had a terrible limp.

My biggest day-brightener last Friday was when I found out that Loverman waited for me, at a McDonald’s on my route to work, until he got my “safe at work, baby” text. He waited for me to make sure I was okay!

I am so grateful to have such wonderful people around me to look out for me. I try to show them how special they are to me every single time I am with them!

Make sure you go out and give your “special people” a hug today. Some of them might not even know how special you think they are!

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Conflicted

Make A Choice

Loverman has a weird pain in his leg for over a week now. When he describes it, it sounds like the symptoms I had when I had a blood clot in my left calf, but he won’t go to the doctor to get it checked out.

We just texted about it this morning.

Loverman Leg Pain

Last night he sat out from skating. I asked him to remember how he felt when he found out about my blood clot and what could have happened to me. He understood, but only a little because he still hasn’t made that doctor’s appointment. Even after I told him that I would help him pay for the appointment and go with him for moral support, he only told me that he would think about it.

On a conflicting note, two different guys have been bugging me to go out with them. Like, seriously. Both of them are very cute and very successful and they both have enough money to actually buy me things and take me places… They also take fairly good care of their bodies and totally look like it! One is the attorney-man, Brent, and the other is a gentleman that I met roller skating about 6 months ago. Last Saturday he told me that he really liked me and wanted to take me out to dinner.

Mr. Doom-n-Gloom is still not noticing anything about me. Ever. He only talks to me when he needs me to do something for him.

Neither my shitty husband, nor my incredible Loverman care enough about their bodies to take care of themselves. I hate watching them be miserable and in pain when I am constantly trying to help them get better.

I finally gave up on Mr. Doom-n-Gloom because he knows exactly what he needs to do/eat in regards to his chronic kidney disease/insanely high blood pressure; his doctor has given him written instructions on what to eat and exercises that he can do. I even found him a support group, but he refuses to join because they’re all probably too old and he wouldn’t like it. He simply refuses to do what he’s supposed to do to get/feel better! His kidneys are currently functioning at 42% and that’s good enough for him. He’s dreadfully overweight and refuses to exercise because it hurts too much (agreed, but I told him that he can start slow. Exercise hurt me, too, before I got fit! Also, cutting out the soda pop and kool-aid would really help him shed pounds fast! But he refuses to listen!) He takes his prescriptions and that’s about it.

high-low_bpConversely, Loverman has heart disease, high cholesterol and dangerously low blood pressure (except he doesn’t take any meds to maintain). Pounds are practically falling off of him because he only eats one meal a day — and it’s small and full of unhealthy-ness. He knows that he needs to eat fruits and veggies and healthy things (i.e. oatmeal) for his heart to work more easily, but he doesn’t think he will like the way it tastes so he turns up his nose at pretty much everything without even trying it. I am an AWESOME cook and I make awesomely healthy food: even Thing #1 will eat most everything I cook as long as it doesn’t have tomatoes or pickles (except pizza — pizza can have tomatoes), and she’s almost as picky as Loverman!

It’s so hard to watch someone you love let themselves waste away, knowing that they have the power to make it better.

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Hospitality Schmospitality

I received a collections invoice for $1,100 a few days ago, so I called to see what it was for because I couldn’t find a bill for this amount (or even from the original biller) in all of my invoices for my broken ankle.

It turns out that I am in collections for an ambulance ride that the Sheraton, where I used to work (they fired my in February of 2010), should have paid for along with all the other worker’s comp expenses from when I fell down and hit my head at work WAY back on 9/4/2009!!

How do I resolve this if the Human Resources Dept at the hotel doesn’t call me back? Do *I* have to pay the bill?!?!

AARRGGHH!!! This is SO frustrating because I am almost getting caught up on my broken ankle bills and now there’s this?!?

(the original name of this post was supposed to be “Worker’s Comp and Bill Collectors” but I like this one better 😉 )

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