Aside

Throwback Thursday: Comment

Oddly enough, I was rereading some “related posts” when I came across this one: Lost

For the most part, I have overcome that feeling in regards to [Loserman].

Don’t get me wrong, I still feel very lost very much of the time, but situations (car-related and not) keep popping up in life (as they tend to do) and I am handling them on my own, without his help and/or support. Sometimes I probably don’t handle them in the best of ways, but I get through it and then deal with the consequences regardless…

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Sub Group

I decided to step outside my ‘box’ and try something a little different for a change. It is too comfortable in my little closed-off world and I need to start “BECOMING”.

Becoming what, I don’t have a clue, but I have been hating myself for long enough for no good reason.

THAT SHIT NEEDS TO CHANGE AND THE ONLY PERSON TO CHANGE ME IS ME!

So, this past Wednesday night, I attended a local monthly Submissive Group.

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Respect

Ugh…

Monday night I finally decided to talk to Alaska about his lack of respect for my time and money.

It started with, “Get me a beer.”

As I walked to the kitchen to get a new beer that *I* had paid for (since he drank the rest of my last 6-pack – that I paid for…), I grumbled, “You know, just a little appreciation and thanks goes a long way.”

“What’s that?” He asked.

I repeated myself.

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What to say…

Image result for egyptian steampunk costumes

Last week Dreamboat PM’d me on Facebook to invite me to a costume party.

It’s an Egyptian Steampunk Costume Party.

Sounds fun, right?

As you may or may not know, I am not a social events type of girl – especially if I don’t know anyone there and I don’t arrive at the choice to go there on my own.

That latter bit is something I just learned about myself. Maybe it seems dumb that I didn’t see that before now, but I am stubborn. If I feel any pressure at all to do something I don’t want to do, I then want to do it even less.

Recently I have been forcing myself to get out and do those different things, but they are events and environments and times of my choosing. That way I can feel a little more in control of the situation…  and I can leave whenever I want.

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On: Hating Myself

Last week Alaska and I were talking about general things and, I don’t remember how the subject of self-esteem came up, but it did.

I told Him that, every morning while I am doing my yoga, I repeat over and over to myself: “I am light, I am love, I am a gift.” (I have been doing this since mid-January.)

But, even though I repeat that mantra to myself day after day, I am still unable to feel love for myself.

I mean, I think I am a cool person, and I believe that I am indeed light and love and a gift and all that, but I still don’t love myself.

In fact, for all the good things that I allegedly am, I still pretty much hate myself.

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I Hate Myself for Loving You

But I guess that’s kind of what love is, right?

Before my skate trip to Houston in February, I mentioned to Alaska that I might like for him to pick me up from the airport when I returned.

At that point, it had been 4 weeks since we’d seen each other and I was really starting to miss him. Even for my extracurricular escapades and the fact that we’d been communicating nearly every day, I missed the hell out of him and wanted to feel his gigantic chocolate body next to mine…

When he couldn’t make the effort to come and get me because he was showing houses to a client he already admitted to disliking immensely (AND after knowing about my trip for over a week), I composed my little note to him on the train/bus ride back to my apartment.

And later, when I texted him I’d made it home safe, he simply answered: masturbate for me now and send me the video

???

Just do I as I say

This made me even more upset with him, but I did as I was told…

Before I fell asleep, he did send me a “good girl” 😉

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The Kisser: Now I Remember…

Refreshers: Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3

(Finally!! Right?!)

I arrived at The Kisser’s house and let myself in as instructed.

He stood up from his place on the couch, walked toward me and immediately began kissing the hell out of me.

Mmmmm! They was as good as I remembered!!

Unlike the first/last time, there was no small talk while we sat and got comfortable with each other – I don’t even know why he led me over to his couch! We only kissed there for a couple of moments before he said, “I’m gonna cum all over the living room before I even taste your pussy! Let’s go to the bedroom.”

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People Change

There are a couple of posts from over a year ago – namely this one – that paint Alaska in a bad light… “we” were new and I was scared/timid and not able to communicate my feelings to him. So I communicated them here… It’s still scary for me to go back and read some of those words because it’s truly how I felt.

But, as our “old” relationship evolved, I got better at communicating with him…

As a matter of fact, I “broke up” with him on New Year’s Eve (2015) because I had expressed my feelings to him and he chose to ignore them.

AND, even after that, as we re-continued things, I was able to articulate all my feelings to him when the whole Amanda incident happened…

When I read that post now it still hurts, but I wonder if maybe Alaska was just as shocked about things as I was… I mean, we did just finish a whole orgasmic mutual masturbation thing… 😉 and were in our post-coital cuddling place… naked… and he made love to me three times after that…

 …and he with me (even though his communication is more non-verbal) – The Morning After

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