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Suicidal Tendencies

 

Suicide has always been something my brain tosses about when I get frustrated, but I never really talked to anyone about it because:

Why should they even care?

Everyone has their own shit to deal with.

What can they do to help?

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Aside

Daddy?

This is a comment a friend of mine made.

It upset me more than I can explain or understand…

It was strange how I reacted so strongly to a simple, ignorant statement.

For some reason I felt the need to educate her in a gentle and friendly way.

I thought for quite a while on what I wanted to say.

My comment was very basic. I just wanted her to open her eyes a tiny bit. It wasn’t important to me that she understand the concept entirely.

It’s kind of like a pet name. Like Baby or Sweetheart or Honey.

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Aside

Throwback Thursday: Comment

Oddly enough, I was rereading some “related posts” when I came across this one: Lost

For the most part, I have overcome that feeling in regards to [Loserman].

Don’t get me wrong, I still feel very lost very much of the time, but situations (car-related and not) keep popping up in life (as they tend to do) and I am handling them on my own, without his help and/or support. Sometimes I probably don’t handle them in the best of ways, but I get through it and then deal with the consequences regardless…

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Respect

Ugh…

Monday night I finally decided to talk to Alaska about his lack of respect for my time and money.

It started with, “Get me a beer.”

As I walked to the kitchen to get a new beer that *I* had paid for (since he drank the rest of my last 6-pack – that I paid for…), I grumbled, “You know, just a little appreciation and thanks goes a long way.”

“What’s that?” He asked.

I repeated myself.

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Aside

On: Hating Myself

Last week Alaska and I were talking about general things and, I don’t remember how the subject of self-esteem came up, but it did.

I told Him that, every morning while I am doing my yoga, I repeat over and over to myself: “I am light, I am love, I am a gift.” (I have been doing this since mid-January.)

But, even though I repeat that mantra to myself day after day, I am still unable to feel love for myself.

I mean, I think I am a cool person, and I believe that I am indeed light and love and a gift and all that, but I still don’t love myself.

In fact, for all the good things that I allegedly am, I still pretty much hate myself.

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Aside

I Hate Myself for Loving You

But I guess that’s kind of what love is, right?

Before my skate trip to Houston in February, I mentioned to Alaska that I might like for him to pick me up from the airport when I returned.

At that point, it had been 4 weeks since we’d seen each other and I was really starting to miss him. Even for my extracurricular escapades and the fact that we’d been communicating nearly every day, I missed the hell out of him and wanted to feel his gigantic chocolate body next to mine…

When he couldn’t make the effort to come and get me because he was showing houses to a client he already admitted to disliking immensely (AND after knowing about my trip for over a week), I composed my little note to him on the train/bus ride back to my apartment.

And later, when I texted him I’d made it home safe, he simply answered: masturbate for me now and send me the video

???

Just do I as I say

This made me even more upset with him, but I did as I was told…

Before I fell asleep, he did send me a “good girl” 😉

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I *Am* a Babygirl

littles

For a pretty long time, I’ve been struggling to fit into a “role” – trying to figure out who I am; what I want, what I need, etc…

Until recently, I have always deceived myself in thinking that, for a female, I am very low maintenance.

When the truth is, just like any other person on this planet, I am anything but low maintenance.

I just haven’t been taking care of myself properly

And THAT needs to come, first and foremost.

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