To read Part 1, click HERE
After all that bullshit, we didn’t have another interaction for 6 days.
And it’s the 5th week of barely any contact…
On that Friday afternoon, he sent me a text. “You won’t believe it, but I hyperextended my knee playing basketball last night.”
He was right. I didn’t believe it…
“Oh, that’s terrible,” I answered.
There were a few more trite comments where I tried to be nice and pretend like I gave a shit.
Then our chat was over.
He’s gone. I shouldn’t be so sad anymore.
But I am.
He’s gone. I should feel relief instead of loneliness.
But I don’t.
He’s gone. I need reach out to others for support.
But I can’t.
He’s gone. I still hate myself for being so stupid.
But I’m not.
He’s gone. So, why am I still broken?
Because he never refilled my cup.
After drinking so selfishly from it…
After I told all you folks that I was completely done with Alaska and never ever in a million years going to take him back,
I took him back.
I was so ashamed that I couldn’t write about it.
Just like all those other times before I stopped writing because of him.
Because I didn’t want to hear your objections.
Because you were right.
And at the end end of it all, I ultimately broke.
I’ve been seeing a shrink
It started after I told Thing #1 I wanted to kill myself and asked if she wanted to come with
That was when I finally realized I was out of control
It’s been since high school, some 30 years ago that I’ve felt so self-destructive
I hate you for stealing me from myself
I am so broken that all I can see is the ugly in people
Taking advantage of those who are generous
Lying, cheating and stealing to get what they want
Or to hurt someone deeply
And I am becoming that person
I’ve lost my trust
My willingness to help
It’s so hard to be nice
To remember that everyone has a story I don’t know
My heart used to be eager
But it’s dead now
Or maybe in a coma
Kink isn’t my thing.
I tried it and I like it.
But I am unable to find a compatible partner.
And I’m sick of trying.
It hurts too much.
Suicide has always been something my brain tosses about when I get frustrated, but I never really talked to anyone about it because:
Why should they even care?
Everyone has their own shit to deal with.
What can they do to help?
My drinking has gotten completely out of control.
I drink in the morning.
I drink in the evening.
This is a comment a friend of mine made.
It upset me more than I can explain or understand…
It was strange how I reacted so strongly to a simple, ignorant statement.
For some reason I felt the need to educate her in a gentle and friendly way.
I thought for quite a while on what I wanted to say.
My comment was very basic. I just wanted her to open her eyes a tiny bit. It wasn’t important to me that she understand the concept entirely.
It’s kind of like a pet name. Like Baby or Sweetheart or Honey.
Oddly enough, I was rereading some “related posts” when I came across this one: Lost
For the most part, I have overcome that feeling in regards to [Loserman].
Don’t get me wrong, I still feel very lost very much of the time, but situations (car-related and not) keep popping up in life (as they tend to do) and I am handling them on my own, without his help and/or support. Sometimes I probably don’t handle them in the best of ways, but I get through it and then deal with the consequences regardless…