Smitten with Him

grown-up stuff happens here sometimes

Bipolarity

I’ve been seeing a shrink

It started after I told Thing #1 I wanted to kill myself and asked if she wanted to come with

That was when I finally realized I was out of control

It’s been since high school, some 30 years ago that I’ve felt so self-destructive

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My Stolen Self


I hate you for stealing me from myself

I am so broken that all I can see is the ugly in people

Taking advantage of those who are generous

Lying, cheating and stealing to get what they want

Or to hurt someone deeply

Intentionally

And I am becoming that person

I’ve lost my trust

My willingness to help

It’s so hard to be nice

To remember that everyone has a story I don’t know

My heart used to be eager

Innocent

But it’s dead now

Or maybe in a coma

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I’m Over It

Kink isn’t my thing.

I tried it and I like it.

But I am unable to find a compatible partner.

And I’m sick of trying.

It hurts too much.

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Suicidal Tendencies

 

Suicide has always been something my brain tosses about when I get frustrated, but I never really talked to anyone about it because:

Why should they even care?

Everyone has their own shit to deal with.

What can they do to help?

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Addiction

My drinking has gotten completely out of control.patron

I drink in the morning.

I drink in the evening.

With food.

Without food.

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Daddy?

This is a comment a friend of mine made.

It upset me more than I can explain or understand…

It was strange how I reacted so strongly to a simple, ignorant statement.

For some reason I felt the need to educate her in a gentle and friendly way.

I thought for quite a while on what I wanted to say.

My comment was very basic. I just wanted her to open her eyes a tiny bit. It wasn’t important to me that she understand the concept entirely.

It’s kind of like a pet name. Like Baby or Sweetheart or Honey.

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Throwback Thursday: Comment

Oddly enough, I was rereading some “related posts” when I came across this one: Lost

For the most part, I have overcome that feeling in regards to [Loserman].

Don’t get me wrong, I still feel very lost very much of the time, but situations (car-related and not) keep popping up in life (as they tend to do) and I am handling them on my own, without his help and/or support. Sometimes I probably don’t handle them in the best of ways, but I get through it and then deal with the consequences regardless…

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Over It

Since Alaska pretty much shunned me last Monday, I’ve had little-to-nothing to say to him.

In all honesty, I am disgusted.

Disgusted with him.

Disgusted with myself.

DIS – GUS – TED

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Respect

Ugh…

Monday night I finally decided to talk to Alaska about his lack of respect for my time and money.

It started with, “Get me a beer.”

As I walked to the kitchen to get a new beer that *I* had paid for (since he drank the rest of my last 6-pack – that I paid for…), I grumbled, “You know, just a little appreciation and thanks goes a long way.”

“What’s that?” He asked.

I repeated myself.

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On: Hating Myself

Last week Alaska and I were talking about general things and, I don’t remember how the subject of self-esteem came up, but it did.

I told Him that, every morning while I am doing my yoga, I repeat over and over to myself: “I am light, I am love, I am a gift.” (I have been doing this since mid-January.)

But, even though I repeat that mantra to myself day after day, I am still unable to feel love for myself.

I mean, I think I am a cool person, and I believe that I am indeed light and love and a gift and all that, but I still don’t love myself.

In fact, for all the good things that I allegedly am, I still pretty much hate myself.

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