I’ve been seeing a shrink
It started after I told Thing #1 I wanted to kill myself and asked if she wanted to come with
That was when I finally realized I was out of control
It’s been since high school, some 30 years ago that I’ve felt so self-destructive
I hate you for stealing me from myself
I am so broken that all I can see is the ugly in people
Taking advantage of those who are generous
Lying, cheating and stealing to get what they want
Or to hurt someone deeply
Intentionally
And I am becoming that person
I’ve lost my trust
My willingness to help
It’s so hard to be nice
To remember that everyone has a story I don’t know
My heart used to be eager
Innocent
But it’s dead now
Or maybe in a coma
Kink isn’t my thing.
I tried it and I like it.
But I am unable to find a compatible partner.
And I’m sick of trying.
It hurts too much.
Suicide has always been something my brain tosses about when I get frustrated, but I never really talked to anyone about it because:
Why should they even care?
Everyone has their own shit to deal with.
What can they do to help?
My drinking has gotten completely out of control.
I drink in the morning.
I drink in the evening.
With food.
Without food.
This is a comment a friend of mine made.
It upset me more than I can explain or understand…
It was strange how I reacted so strongly to a simple, ignorant statement.
For some reason I felt the need to educate her in a gentle and friendly way.
I thought for quite a while on what I wanted to say.
My comment was very basic. I just wanted her to open her eyes a tiny bit. It wasn’t important to me that she understand the concept entirely.
It’s kind of like a pet name. Like Baby or Sweetheart or Honey.
Oddly enough, I was rereading some “related posts” when I came across this one: Lost
For the most part, I have overcome that feeling in regards to [Loserman].
Don’t get me wrong, I still feel very lost very much of the time, but situations (car-related and not) keep popping up in life (as they tend to do) and I am handling them on my own, without his help and/or support. Sometimes I probably don’t handle them in the best of ways, but I get through it and then deal with the consequences regardless…
Since Alaska pretty much shunned me last Monday, I’ve had little-to-nothing to say to him.
In all honesty, I am disgusted.
Disgusted with him.
Disgusted with myself.
Ugh…
Monday night I finally decided to talk to Alaska about his lack of respect for my time and money.
It started with, “Get me a beer.”
As I walked to the kitchen to get a new beer that *I* had paid for (since he drank the rest of my last 6-pack – that I paid for…), I grumbled, “You know, just a little appreciation and thanks goes a long way.”
“What’s that?” He asked.
I repeated myself.
Last week Alaska and I were talking about general things and, I don’t remember how the subject of self-esteem came up, but it did.
I told Him that, every morning while I am doing my yoga, I repeat over and over to myself: “I am light, I am love, I am a gift.” (I have been doing this since mid-January.)
But, even though I repeat that mantra to myself day after day, I am still unable to feel love for myself.
I mean, I think I am a cool person, and I believe that I am indeed light and love and a gift and all that, but I still don’t love myself.
In fact, for all the good things that I allegedly am, I still pretty much hate myself.
Smitten with Him 