What are these marks on your arms?
There sure are a lot. How did they get there?
*smirk* It’s a bad habit… I always catch my arm on the rack or the top of the oven when I’m taking something out; even when I have a mitt on.
Are you doing it on purpose?
I told you to stop hurting yourself.
Ummm… you told me to stop cutting myself. I am not cutting myself.
To read Part 1, click HERE
After all that bullshit, we didn’t have another interaction for 6 days.
And it’s the 5th week of barely any contact…
On that Friday afternoon, he sent me a text. “You won’t believe it, but I hyperextended my knee playing basketball last night.”
He was right. I didn’t believe it…
“Oh, that’s terrible,” I answered.
There were a few more trite comments where I tried to be nice and pretend like I gave a shit.
Then our chat was over.
He’s gone. I shouldn’t be so sad anymore.
But I am.
He’s gone. I should feel relief instead of loneliness.
But I don’t.
He’s gone. I need reach out to others for support.
But I can’t.
He’s gone. I still hate myself for being so stupid.
But I’m not.
He’s gone. So, why am I still broken?
Because he never refilled my cup.
After drinking so selfishly from it…
I hate you for stealing me from myself
I am so broken that all I can see is the ugly in people
Taking advantage of those who are generous
Lying, cheating and stealing to get what they want
Or to hurt someone deeply
And I am becoming that person
I’ve lost my trust
My willingness to help
It’s so hard to be nice
To remember that everyone has a story I don’t know
My heart used to be eager
But it’s dead now
Or maybe in a coma
I’m not good enough to be anything but last.
How do I know?
People keep showing me
Mid-December I broke up with Alaska via video:
It lasted all of 2 weeks
I took him back because he agreed with what I said
And told me he would start trying harder
If you were in a serous relationship with a guy for 16 months and just found out that he’s known he had another child since last Father’s Day, would it bother you? (she’s 14 – so he wasn’t cheating or anything)
If so, how would you handle it?
If not, why didn’t it bother you?
About a week ago, Alaska asked me to drive him to a client’s upcoming new home (or however you want to say it. I’m not a Realtor® and I don’t technically care about the technicality of it 😉 )…
… because the new home buyers wanted to take some measurements for some stuff they were moving in and other stuff they wanted to buy, yadda. yadda…
The thing about it was, we had already made a different type of plan to spend time together.
Have lunch, watch some cool stuff on the computer…
Other stuff… (I really like the other stuff!)
Right now my ‘relationship’ isn’t going anywhere… Timeline-wise anyway…
And I am totally okay with that.
On the surface, I think that I am ready; I act like I am ready.
I want to be ready… I write about it here – how much I crave it…
Long-term relationship companionship…
Sometimes those three words are easy to say.
…to my daughters, my friends…
Other times, even thinking about their utterance is frightening.
I yearn to tell Alaska that I love him, but I don’t.
Is it fear of rejection?
I know he won’t reject me…
If he was going to reject me, it would have been long before now. Read more