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Saying “I Love You”

Image result for saying i love you

Sometimes those three words are easy to say.

…to my daughters, my friends…

Other times, even thinking about their utterance is frightening.

I yearn to tell Alaska that I love him, but I don’t.

Is it fear of rejection?

I know he won’t reject me…

If he was going to reject me, it would have been long before now. Read more

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First Time Closeness

A friend of mine said something to me last week that made me think (probably more than I should have):

“The first time in the BDSM life style can be a bit overwhelming and, if you really enjoy it, a person can fall fast and hard for their first partner if they are not careful.”

I remember how much I liked my first “boyfriend”…

How enamored I was with the man I gave my virginity to…

Firsts are special.

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On: Making an Effort

Since our little ‘disagreement‘ a couple of weeks ago, I haven’t had much to say to Alaska.

He has called to check up on me a few times and my interaction with him has been minimal at best.

Also, I have been trying to stay busy so it’s easier to say, “No” to him when he wants to ‘hang out’.

It’s difficult to share pieces of myself and be vulnerable when I don’t feel I’m being appreciated.

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Aside

Throwback Thursday: Comment

Oddly enough, I was rereading some “related posts” when I came across this one: Lost

For the most part, I have overcome that feeling in regards to [Loserman].

Don’t get me wrong, I still feel very lost very much of the time, but situations (car-related and not) keep popping up in life (as they tend to do) and I am handling them on my own, without his help and/or support. Sometimes I probably don’t handle them in the best of ways, but I get through it and then deal with the consequences regardless…

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Weekending with Dreamboat – Part 2

Read Part 1 HERE

For all the ‘screwing around’ we’d been doing over the past couple of days, Dreamboat still hadn’t had one single orgasm, which he says is totally normal to him. While I’d cum countless times…

He and I have talked about it before, blue balls and all that, but he says that he’s never experienced that phenomenon even once. Personally, I feel bad and kind of like a failure when I don’t bring my partner to climax.

This may be oversharing, but WTF this is my blog… Dreamboat has one fake testicle. He was in a car accident when he was a teenager and now he’s left with a pretty messed up ankle and a fake testicle. The right one feels like a ping pong ball and the left one feels normal. Needless to say, it makes giving him head a bit interesting…

Oh! And another thing, he doesn’t even like blow jobs (Not even mine!)!!! He giggles like it tickles him. LOL! (Although, I have to admit it’s kind of nice to get a break from Alaska’s almost-constant face-fucking)

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Weekending with Dreamboat – Part 1

My weekend in Steamboat Springs with Dreamboat was pretty dang fun!

However, we didn’t talk about anything serious until Sunday afternoon, and then it was only a result of circumstance…

Friday was fairly uneventful. I took the city bus to the Greyhound station. All of my busses left on time.

It was a gorgeous 4-hour drive up into the mountains.

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People Change

There are a couple of posts from over a year ago – namely this one – that paint Alaska in a bad light… “we” were new and I was scared/timid and not able to communicate my feelings to him. So I communicated them here… It’s still scary for me to go back and read some of those words because it’s truly how I felt.

But, as our “old” relationship evolved, I got better at communicating with him…

As a matter of fact, I “broke up” with him on New Year’s Eve (2015) because I had expressed my feelings to him and he chose to ignore them.

AND, even after that, as we re-continued things, I was able to articulate all my feelings to him when the whole Amanda incident happened…

When I read that post now it still hurts, but I wonder if maybe Alaska was just as shocked about things as I was… I mean, we did just finish a whole orgasmic mutual masturbation thing… 😉 and were in our post-coital cuddling place… naked… and he made love to me three times after that…

 …and he with me (even though his communication is more non-verbal) – The Morning After

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