My Psychotic Break (Part 2)

My Psychotic Break (Part 2)

To read Part 1, click HERE

After all that bullshit, we didn’t have another interaction for 6 days.

And it’s the 5th week of barely any contact…

On that Friday afternoon, he sent me a text. “You won’t believe it, but I hyperextended my knee playing basketball last night.”

He was right. I didn’t believe it…

“Oh, that’s terrible,” I answered.

There were a few more trite comments where I tried to be nice and pretend like I gave a shit.

Then our chat was over.

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Aside

He’s Gone

He’s gone. I shouldn’t be so sad anymore.

But I am.

He’s gone. I should feel relief instead of loneliness.

But I don’t.

He’s gone. I need reach out to others for support.

But I can’t.

He’s gone. I still hate myself for being so stupid.

But I’m not.

He’s gone. So, why am I still broken?

Because he never refilled my cup.

After drinking so selfishly from it…

Aside

Show Me

Reminders so I don’t take him back:

  1. Telling me my feelings are stupid when he doesn’t understand them
  2. His conceit and selfishness
  3. He’s a loud open-mouth chewer
  4. It’s always a struggle for his attention and time
  5. Not keeping his word, aka: empty promises
  6. Lack of respect and appreciation
  7. EXCUSES!!!
  8. Ignorance (circling back to #1)

If you love me, fucking show me!!!

(It’s taped at the head of my bed, so it’s there as the first and last thing every day)

Chat

7 Ways to Tell You’re Just a Booty Call (and/or that Your S.O. has Probably Moved On)

  1. He/She doesn’t show any interest in any of the things that interest you
  2. He/She doesn’t buy you gifts “just because”, or for holidays, or ever
  3. He/She doesn’t take you anywhere and always says “No” when you ask them to do something with you (outside of the bedroom)
  4. He/She stops inviting you over to his/her house
  5. He/She forgets your birthday, even after being reminded it’s coming up
  6. He/She only hears what he/she wants you to want, not what you actually want
  7. He/She can only find 3-4 hours a week to spend time with you – sequestered alone in your bedroom, working at least 50% of the time and ‘letting’ you please him/her the rest of the time

Don’t find out the hard way 😦

Chat

Saying “I Love You”

Image result for saying i love you

Sometimes those three words are easy to say.

…to my daughters, my friends…

Other times, even thinking about their utterance is frightening.

I yearn to tell Alaska that I love him, but I don’t.

Is it fear of rejection?

I know he won’t reject me…

If he was going to reject me, it would have been long before now. Read more

Chat

First Time Closeness

A friend of mine said something to me last week that made me think (probably more than I should have):

“The first time in the BDSM life style can be a bit overwhelming and, if you really enjoy it, a person can fall fast and hard for their first partner if they are not careful.”

I remember how much I liked my first “boyfriend”…

How enamored I was with the man I gave my virginity to…

Firsts are special.

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