To read Part 1, click HERE
After all that bullshit, we didn’t have another interaction for 6 days.
And it’s the 5th week of barely any contact…
On that Friday afternoon, he sent me a text. “You won’t believe it, but I hyperextended my knee playing basketball last night.”
He was right. I didn’t believe it…
“Oh, that’s terrible,” I answered.
There were a few more trite comments where I tried to be nice and pretend like I gave a shit.
Then our chat was over.
He’s gone. I shouldn’t be so sad anymore.
But I am.
He’s gone. I should feel relief instead of loneliness.
But I don’t.
He’s gone. I need reach out to others for support.
But I can’t.
He’s gone. I still hate myself for being so stupid.
But I’m not.
He’s gone. So, why am I still broken?
Because he never refilled my cup.
After drinking so selfishly from it…
“We probably can’t change our templates of attraction”, but we CAN change how we respond to trigger behaviors.
Reminders so I don’t take him back:
- Telling me my feelings are stupid when he doesn’t understand them
- His conceit and selfishness
- He’s a loud open-mouth chewer
- It’s always a struggle for his attention and time
- Not keeping his word, aka: empty promises
- Lack of respect and appreciation
- Ignorance (circling back to #1)
If you love me, fucking show me!!!
(It’s taped at the head of my bed, so it’s there as the first and last thing every day)
Mid-December I broke up with Alaska via video:
It lasted all of 2 weeks
I took him back because he agreed with what I said
And told me he would start trying harder
- He/She doesn’t show any interest in any of the things that interest you
- He/She doesn’t buy you gifts “just because”, or for holidays, or ever…
- He/She doesn’t take you anywhere and always says “No” when you ask them to do something with you (outside of the bedroom)
- He/She stops inviting you over to his/her house
- He/She forgets your birthday, even after being reminded it’s coming up
- He/She only hears what he/she wants you to want, not what you actually want
- He/She can only find 3-4 hours a week to spend time with you – sequestered alone in your bedroom, working at least 50% of the time and ‘letting’ you please him/her the rest of the time
Don’t find out the hard way 😦
Sometimes those three words are easy to say.
…to my daughters, my friends…
Other times, even thinking about their utterance is frightening.
I yearn to tell Alaska that I love him, but I don’t.
Is it fear of rejection?
I know he won’t reject me…
If he was going to reject me, it would have been long before now. Read more
A friend of mine said something to me last week that made me think (probably more than I should have):
“The first time in the BDSM life style can be a bit overwhelming and, if you really enjoy it, a person can fall fast and hard for their first partner if they are not careful.”
I remember how much I liked my first “boyfriend”…
How enamored I was with the man I gave my virginity to…
Firsts are special.
Since our little ‘disagreement‘ a couple of weeks ago, I haven’t had much to say to Alaska.
He has called to check up on me a few times and my interaction with him has been minimal at best.
Also, I have been trying to stay busy so it’s easier to say, “No” to him when he wants to ‘hang out’.
It’s difficult to share pieces of myself and be vulnerable when I don’t feel I’m being appreciated.