To read Part 1, click HERE
After all that bullshit, we didn’t have another interaction for 6 days.
And it’s the 5th week of barely any contact…
On that Friday afternoon, he sent me a text. “You won’t believe it, but I hyperextended my knee playing basketball last night.”
He was right. I didn’t believe it…
“Oh, that’s terrible,” I answered.
There were a few more trite comments where I tried to be nice and pretend like I gave a shit.
Then our chat was over.
After I told all you folks that I was completely done with Alaska and never ever in a million years going to take him back,
I took him back.
I was so ashamed that I couldn’t write about it.
Just like all those other times before I stopped writing because of him.
Because I didn’t want to hear your objections.
Because you were right.
And at the end end of it all, I ultimately broke.
I’ve been seeing a shrink
It started after I told Thing #1 I wanted to kill myself and asked if she wanted to come with
That was when I finally realized I was out of control
It’s been since high school, some 30 years ago that I’ve felt so self-destructive
I hate you for stealing me from myself
I am so broken that all I can see is the ugly in people
Taking advantage of those who are generous
Lying, cheating and stealing to get what they want
Or to hurt someone deeply
Intentionally
And I am becoming that person
I’ve lost my trust
My willingness to help
It’s so hard to be nice
To remember that everyone has a story I don’t know
My heart used to be eager
Innocent
But it’s dead now
Or maybe in a coma
Kink isn’t my thing.
I tried it and I like it.
But I am unable to find a compatible partner.
And I’m sick of trying.
It hurts too much.
I don’t know, can you even call them that?
Am I confused or lost? Are they the same?
Hmmmm… And there’s double meaning to it, too…
What did *you* think I meant when you read the title of my post?
I meant the crying kinda tear, but after I looked at it a second time, it could also mean the ripping kind of tear.
Maybe that explains why it hurts so much – are my eyes crying because my heart is torn?
Suicide has always been something my brain tosses about when I get frustrated, but I never really talked to anyone about it because:
Why should they even care?
Everyone has their own shit to deal with.
What can they do to help?
