Right now my ‘relationship’ isn’t going anywhere… Timeline-wise anyway…
And I am totally okay with that.
On the surface, I think that I am ready; I act like I am ready.
I want to be ready… I write about it here – how much I crave it…
Long-term relationship companionship…
Before dinner last Thursday evening, we were having a discussion on the power of positive thinking…
It’s true, there isn’t anything you want that you can’t have.
Yes there is.
There is? Tell me what you want that you can’t have.
I’m right here, aren’t I?
Love this quote… It’s in another post back there somewhere…
A friend of mine said something to me last week that made me think (probably more than I should have):
“The first time in the BDSM life style can be a bit overwhelming and, if you really enjoy it, a person can fall fast and hard for their first partner if they are not careful.”
I remember how much I liked my first “boyfriend”…
How enamored I was with the man I gave my virginity to…
Firsts are special.
Oddly enough, I was rereading some “related posts” when I came across this one: Lost
For the most part, I have overcome that feeling in regards to [Loserman].
Don’t get me wrong, I still feel very lost very much of the time, but situations (car-related and not) keep popping up in life (as they tend to do) and I am handling them on my own, without his help and/or support. Sometimes I probably don’t handle them in the best of ways, but I get through it and then deal with the consequences regardless…
Since Alaska pretty much shunned me last Monday, I’ve had little-to-nothing to say to him.
In all honesty, I am disgusted.
Disgusted with him.
Disgusted with myself.
DIS – GUS – TED
I decided to step outside my ‘box’ and try something a little different for a change. It is too comfortable in my little closed-off world and I need to start “BECOMING”.
Becoming what, I don’t have a clue, but I have been hating myself for long enough for no good reason.
THAT SHIT NEEDS TO CHANGE AND THE ONLY PERSON TO CHANGE ME IS ME!
So, this past Wednesday night, I attended a local monthly Submissive Group.
Read Part 1 HERE
For all the ‘screwing around’ we’d been doing over the past couple of days, Dreamboat still hadn’t had one single orgasm, which he says is totally normal to him. While I’d cum countless times…
He and I have talked about it before, blue balls and all that, but he says that he’s never experienced that phenomenon even once. Personally, I feel bad and kind of like a failure when I don’t bring my partner to climax.
This may be oversharing, but WTF this is my blog… Dreamboat has one fake testicle. He was in a car accident when he was a teenager and now he’s left with a pretty messed up ankle and a fake testicle. The right one feels like a ping pong ball and the left one feels normal. Needless to say, it makes giving him head a bit interesting…
Oh! And another thing, he doesn’t even like blow jobs (Not even mine!)!!! He giggles like it tickles him. LOL! (Although, I have to admit it’s kind of nice to get a break from Alaska’s almost-constant face-fucking)
Last week Alaska and I were talking about general things and, I don’t remember how the subject of self-esteem came up, but it did.
I told Him that, every morning while I am doing my yoga, I repeat over and over to myself: “I am light, I am love, I am a gift.” (I have been doing this since mid-January.)
But, even though I repeat that mantra to myself day after day, I am still unable to feel love for myself.
I mean, I think I am a cool person, and I believe that I am indeed light and love and a gift and all that, but I still don’t love myself.
In fact, for all the good things that I
allegedly am, I still pretty much hate myself.
Sorry I’m a week late on this one!!