Smitten with Him

grown-up stuff happens here sometimes

Frustration

How many of you feel like it would be easier to give up than to keep going?

I’ve tried to adopt 3 dogs – 3 fails

I’ve stopped dating completely – again ultimate fails

Nothing brings me joy any more

Ok… to be fair, I look forward to alcohol 🍷

But is that really something to live for?

Ummm, no!

This is my last outlet. I no longer want to tell my ‘friends‘ that I’m feeling lost and want to die.

They call the cops on me and then I have to explain, to people that don’t give a shit, why they need to leave me alone because I’m “okay”.

Maybe if one of them actually came to me instead of calling the police….

But I get it, they’re scared.

Aren’t we all?

(Please don’t call the cops on me. I’m not okay, but they have way better stuff to do. Really!)

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Panic Stricken

The past two weeks I have been having mild panic attacks. Nothing debilitating, but my heart and brain start racing and I can’t focus on anything else except being worried.

Worried about what? I don’t fucking know – which kind of makes it worse.

Anyway…. I reached out to a friend for some kind words and I was told “at least you have it better than me.”

That really hurt and definitely didn’t help me feel better. I started comparing! There were examples on either side proving the other has it better….

This is the message I wrote but did not send. I knew it wouldn’t help.

FYI, no part of this conversation helped me to feel better. In fact, I feel way worse than I did when I reached out to you.

I would do anything if you could get over Kim and remove all of that hatred from your heart. It was over 20 years ago and, even though it will always be with you, it doesn’t have to be the **only** thing that defines you.

What you said to me today about how I’m better off than you are??? I’m sad that you don’t know and that you haven’t asked how I am. FYI l, I’m struggling with ALCOHOLISM, severe(!) depression, and not being able to make ends meet. The matter of fact that I texted you, telling you how I was freaking out, should give you some kind of clue.

I’m. Not. Ok

“Babe, you could have paid 6 months mortgage at the lake house for that kind of money!”

My family will never help me, while your family is there for you every day…. I wish more than I can say that I had a family like that. 😢

They know as little as you do about me…

Sadly, we can compare each other and our individual lives forever, but that won’t bring either one of us any happiness.

Love, Me

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Struggling with Self-Control

Working through my ‘new’ allergies (or whatever-the-fuck-they-are) has made things a bit more challenging than I would prefer.

I guess it serves me right for all those times I thought someone was faking their food allergy.

And trying to keep my drinking in check is barely working at all 😦

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So, what happens is:

I spend my entire week (through thoughts of suicide and self-destruction) trying to build myself up and tell myself that I am amazing and smart and worth it – basically, trying to love myself…

(Trust me, it’s not easy fighting the thoughts that I am insane and shit. You *totally* don’t help me. Check it out):

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Temporarily Reunited

So…. Something very unexpected happened to me recently.

Lov(s)erman returned the $800 he borrowed from me BACK IN 2014!!!

Long Story, Short:

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F*** Life

Seriously…

Life has been beating me up recently

It doesn’t help that I can’t stop thinking about killing myself

(I do recognize how those two statements are related to each other in an evil downward spiral)

We’ll start in the middle because I don’t feel like writing about the beginning quite yet…

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Life Goals

I guess I’m supposed to have them, right?

Every time I set a life goal for myself, I rationalize myself out of it

Or I make it totally un-achievable or something

So then I can hate all over myself for failing

Or quitting

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My First Meeting

So… last Thursday night I finally bit the bullet and went to my first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting

I’d been sober for 12 days and it was getting tougher and tougher to resist stopping at the liquor store on my way home from work

Two weeks seems to be about all I can handle before I need to cave and buy another bottle

Therefore

Meeting

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Suicidal Ideation

“A person with suicidal ideation may not ask for help. However, that does not mean help is not needed or wanted. Many people who die by suicide do not actually wish for death – they only want the pain to go away. Prevention of suicide begins with recognizing  the warning signs of suicidal behaviors and taking action.”¹

I need help…

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Hysterical Reaction

Three weeks ago my face swelled up from an allergic reaction (or something)

To what? I have no idea. As far as I know, I have no allergies.

So, after a weekend of terrible snowy weather and barely being able to see out of my eye holes, I went to urgent care first thing Monday morning. (looking like I had been in a terrible fight and gotten the shit kicked out of me!!)

The lovely Dr. there wouldn’t help me because the reaction was too severe and my blood test results wouldn’t come back for 2-3 days!!! (urgent care, my ass!)

So, it was off to the hospital with my sorry face…

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