Smitten with Him

grown-up stuff happens here sometimes

Sk8cation: Saturday Morning

To read about Friday’s adventure click here

BlameItOnYourPeriod

I got my mother-fucking period.

Again!

And on my Sk8cation, too!!

That is officially 3 ‘cycles’ in as many weeks.

Before we left I figured I should be safe for a few days, right? Even a few weeks?

Fuck this change-of-life shit!

It actually started at the end of our drive Friday night, but I was hoping it was a fluke and only mild spotting (just like I thought the prior week right before I got period #2).

Nope. It wasn’t spotting. Saturday morning I woke up with another full-blown menstrual period!

Read the rest of this entry »

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Crying Doesn’t Help

Maybe Loserman left me because my blow jobs only merit a 6.5

OR

Perhaps it’s because my kisses are too sloppy or give him a rash

Either way it doesn’t matter, right?

He’s gone and no matter how *I* feel, it doesn’t matter.

AnotherGirl

My ‘friends” have been trying to get me to cry about Loserman.

They say I need to feel those feelings

(My actual REAL friends, all TWO of them, haven’t said anything about it. When they found out Loserman was gone, they both just told me that they would be there for me if I wanted to talk. And that’s all they’ve said.)

Incidentally, I have cried about him every day since last Thursday.

It doesn’t help. Why does everyone tell me it will?

The last time I saw him  I told him that I missed him, and his response was, “I miss you guys, too.” WTF? Who are ‘you guys’? My kids?!?!

I’m nothing special to him.

14 Comments »

Still on a Break

So, I guess we’re still on our “break” (not that I am counting, but it has been 20 days).

I am completely losing my mind! I can’t focus on a goddamn thing!

I need to get out of my marriage… *sigh* Loverman is almost out of his and I think he is wanting me to take a bigger step. I don’t know. The things he said to me Sunday were so cryptic. I have so much thinking to do…

He is trying to get all of his stuff moved out of Diva’s house before the bank finally forecloses on it. He has no idea when that’s going to happen, but she hasn’t paid the mortgage for almost a year now. After that he has nowhere to go. Literally nowhere.

I am scared for him and I love him (I think) so I want to help and protect him (I think).

Sunday we got together to test drive my car. He’s been working on my Plymouth Breeze forever the last five years. It’s totally done now. I feel like I should be happier and more excited. I feel like I didn’t appreciate him enough.

On Father’s Day, after he hadn’t slept for over 24 hours (his choice, I get it, but still), I decided to push his buttons.

I fucked up a perfectly good day because I wanted to have a fucking discussion about trust (trust seems to be the theme-of-the-month).

He was telling me that he didn’t want to give me the switch for the sunroof in my truck because he thought the glass was slightly off track and wanted to be sure it was secure before I opened it on the highway and it flew off. We have talked about this already a couple of times.

I understood and told him that I just wanted the switch so I could open it a crack on my way home waiting in traffic (the AC in my truck fucks up the gas mileage something fierce so I don’t run it, but it gets really hot in there) and I don’t drive on the highway to get to and from work.

He said something about his friends Sean and Joseph and how he lets THEM have/do stuff and they don’t listen to him and then call him a week later to tell him those things are now broken.

I tried to tell him that I don’t like it when he doesn’t trust me based on something SOMEONE ELSE did (my parents were like that – it’s totally a sore spot for me). Most times I try to do what he asks me to do. Really hard. Most times he is right, and I like how he’s proud of me when I do what he says.

You would think that all the times I do (or don’t do) something that he asked me to (or not to) do, I should get credibility points or something. (I totally understand that my reasoning is flawed here because Loverman would be devastated if he found out I was fooling around on him – regardless of what he has told me in the past.)

He kept interjecting with “But” and giving me a reason why he didn’t trust me based upon a different someone else’s actions.

I got really upset, then he got really upset.

He left to get the sunroof switch.

He brought it back to me.

I could tell you the rest, but it’s long and boring. I was being a douche and so was he. We talked about uneven teeter-totters, trust and living together, broken marriages and futility.

None of it good, sadly. Or maybe it was, in the bigger picture.

This week he has been avoiding me, but I get it. He needs space and right now he is totally overwhelmed with life kicking him in the ass. The last thing he needs is a selfish girlfriend telling him she needs more validation.

I miss him, but every single year in June this shit happens with us. So, this year I am going to try and let it blow over and appreciate my alone time to sit back and reflect.

taking-a-break

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I HATE Being a Girl!!

BlameItOnYourPeriodI don’t want to get a sex change or anything. I am just saying that maybe if I had been born a boy it wouldn’t have been so bad.

I wish I knew what it was like to be a boy so I could compare.

Girls have all of these stupid, tangled emotions that get in the way. They’re impossible to sort out and sometimes the very worst ones come at the most inopportune times.

I can’t fucking shut off my damn brain! I just want to stop thinking. But no matter how hard I try, thoughts keep slipping in.

Like: why did I feel so disappointed this morning? I write here trying to figure out the answer to that very simple question.

Maybe it was because today was the first time in ever that Loverman didn’t get me off. I’m not sure I got off last night either… But, last night was about him. It was my time to worship him because he has been taking such good care of me lately.

We didn’t take a shower together like we always do. I showered alone. He hadn’t slept well the day before (he works 3rd shift and went to a friend’s house to work on their car and get a short nap) and then he said he didn’t sleep well last night, so he took the opportunity to sleep in while I was cleaning up and getting ready for work.

When he dropped me off this morning, I had spent our entire waking morning together crying on his shoulder. Not the weeping, sobbing kind. It was the kind where tears just keep rolling out of my eyes no matter how hard I try and stop them. He didn’t ask me to stop. He just let me do it. I’m pretty sure that he was uncomfortable because he was sitting next to a crying girl, but he let me cry and then gave me beautiful, sweet huggs and kisses when he dropped me off at work.

You should see me right now, sitting at my desk, all pathetic and fighting back the inescapable tears. Getting frustrated with myself for getting ‘so emotional’ that have to try even harder to hold back the tears.

I’m not really this upset that I didn’t have an orgasm, am I? My period just ended, is that it? I have been doing some deep de-tox treatments on my belly, could that be causing my emotions to spiral out of control? Is it stupid peri-menopause? I’m there: night sweats, hot flashes, apparently violent moods and depression now, too… My period was two weeks late — maybe it’s the extra 14 days of build-up…

Connection Lost by ookami-zone on DeviantArt

Connection Lost
by ookami-zone on DeviantArt

I think part of it is because we didn’t get to see each other last week, so I didn’t get my usual “fix”. The more time we spend together, the more I miss him when he’s gone (Distance) and we have been spending a more-than-normal amount of time together lately. This week I craved his closeness so much and I guess last night/this morning I didn’t get enough to get me “over the hump” (pardon the pun). Could it be that I am simply missing the connection that we usually make? Hopefully skating with him tonight will help…

Loverman has been so good to me for the last few weeks. I can’t even begin to enumerate his wonderfulness here, but most of it has to do with his incredible patience with me and the fact that my truck, Bear, has been going completely insane! Maybe I am upset because I am feeling like I am not meeting his needs — a personal feeling of inadequacy, he has never said such a thing. He tells me quite frequently how well I take care of him…

I have a better relationship with my OM than most of my friends have with their actual spouses and here I am trying not to cry about it?! WTF? It doesn’t seem like I really have anything to cry about…

Skating tonight will help….

3 Comments »

Found

i found you by ilona on DeviantArt

i found you
by ilona on DeviantArt

I got this message this morning:

I got my phone back

That was it. I don’t know what I expected, but I definitely hoped it would be more than that! It took me a few minutes to sort out how I should answer because the waves of relief were so strong I could barely take a breath. Immediately after, I was filled with a peaceful calmness

But!

Once he sense of relief started to wane, as it tends to, it was like my brain decided that it was okay to feel the other emotions, too! The ugly ones! The dam busted open and now I am faced with:

anger (I was worried about you and this is all you have for me?)

betrayal (You told me that you don’t like going gambling without me!)

humiliation (How did I let myself get so worked up about this?)

and jealousy (Did you find someone else who’s more fun to go with?)

but the biggest one is disappointment (all of those other things put together.).

At least that’s what I think it feels like (and right after I wrote that fucking poem for him Saturday!!).

So, before I over-thought it and got angry said the wrong thing, I decided my best response would just be, “Okay” — because if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Right?

His response to that was simply:

I’ll talk to you later.

I was completely underwhelmed by the amount of information that he decided to give me! That’s seriously all I get? I’m pretty sure he would expect a better explanation from ME if I had been MIA all weekend!

I didn’t even get an: “I’m safe.” or a “Thanks for trying to get my phone back for me.” or an “I’ll bet you were super worried about me.” or a “Sorry to keep you waiting for so long.” I know I am being selfish right now, but I just spent all of yesterday worrying about him! And, I still don’t know if he’s okay or where the fuck he is!

My stupid Green Monster has double-teamed with Self-Doubt and they keep putting horrible thoughts in my head!!

Again, I couldn’t think of anything to say except, “Ok.” (Truthfully, I could think of A LOT more things to say, but none of them were nice. They were all “fightin’ words”! And I don’t want to fight, mostly I am grateful he isn’t dead!)

I want to write more here, but I don’t know what to say. At this moment I am filled with so many emotions tumbling around inside of me; every one of them trying to scream louder than the rest of them. It’s so loud and confusing I don’t know what the true core feelings actually are… Or if it’s just my PMS enhancing them…. Or if maybe this is karma’s helpful reminder not to get too close…

What should I be feeling right now?

How Do I Breathe
by Mario

It feels so different being here
I was so used to being next to you
Life for me is not the same
There’s no one to turn to
I don’t know why I let it go too far
Starting over – it’s so hard
Seems like everywhere I try to go
I keep thinking of you

I just had a wake up call
Wishing that I never let you fall
Baby you are not to blame at all
When I’m the one that pushed you away
Baby if you knew I cared
You’d have never went nowhere (nowhere)
Girl I should’ve been right there

How do I breathe
Without you here by my side?
How will I see
When your love brought me to the light?
Where do I go
When your heart’s where I lay my head?
When you’re not with me
How do I breathe?
How do I breathe?

Girl I’m losin’ my mind
Yes I made a mistake
I thought that you would be mine
Guess the joke was on me
I miss you so bad, I can’t sleep
I wish I knew where you could be
Another dude is replacing me
God this can’t be happening

I just had a wake up call (call)
Wishing that I never let you fall (fall)
Baby you are not to blame at all
When I’m the one that pushed you away
Baby if you knew I cared (cared)
You’d have never went nowhere (nowhere)
Girl I should’ve been right there

(And I wonder…)
How do I breathe
Without you here by my side?
How will I see
When your love brought me to the light?
Where do I go
When your heart’s where I lay my head?
When you’re not with me (I’m saying)
How do I breathe?
How do I breathe?

I can’t get over you, no
Baby I don’t wanna let go, no
Girl you need to come home
Girl come back to me
Cause girl you made it hard to breathe
When you’re not with me

(Tell me)
How do I breathe
Without you here by my side?
How will I see
When your love brought me to the light?
Where do I go (where do I, where do I go)
When your heart’s where I lay my head?
When you’re not with me
How do I breathe?

How do I breathe?

Without you here by my side?
How will I see (how will I see)
When your love brought me to the light (baby, baby)?
Where do I go (where do)
When your heart’s where I lay my head?
When you’re not with me (you’re not with me)
How do I breathe (How do I breathe)?
How do I breathe?

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What should have been Monday’s post

Cloudy by hanariku on DeviantArt

Cloudy
by hanariku on DeviantArt

It’s been really hard to shake the cloudy funk that came over me Saturday. The littlest things have been making me cry. I hope it’s just PMS, because I really don’t want to give Mr. Doom-n-Gloom that much power over me.

On a positive note, Loverman was actually waiting at my job yesterday morning when I got there! His “broken” truck, Ranger, was sitting in the parking lot in the spot right next to mine. It made me so happy to see him; words cannot express! Since my disagreement(s) with Doom-n-Gloom on Saturday, all I have been able to think about is climbing into Loverman’s arms to recharge myself and my positivity. It was so nice to be able to actually do that for a few minutes before work.

His excuse was that he wanted to use my truck to drive to an interview, but I think he stopped by because he missed me, too. We haven’t seen each other since the Sunday before Christmas and we were both probably starting to feel some serious “withdrawal symptoms”.

His interview finished up right at the end of lunch so he stopped by work to drop off my truck and we took another opportunity to spend time together with a nice lunch at McDonald’s — we took his truck. There wasn’t much time so we didn’t get to talk a lot, but it seems that his marriage is right on track with mine: his wife didn’t get him anything for Christmas either, she didn’t even tell him “merry Christmas”!

But *I* got him gifts and I told him Merry Christmas enough times for everyone!

He was the last person on my list that I bought gifts for, and his presents practically fell into my lap.

  • Smelly lotion because that’s just part of what I get every year for everyone.
  • A “Love Coupon Book” on The Dating Divas website that I printed that out for him. There were three blank coupons so I filled one out myself that says, “Good for one skate adventure in the year 2014!”
  • Cold medicine — this wasn’t really a gift, but I slipped it into his gift bag because he was catching a cold 🙂
  • A gift certificate for a 25-minute drive through the foothills in a Ferrari!! I am SO jealous! I wish I could ride with!

Ferrari 430 Scuderia

And last night, when I got into my truck to go home, Loverman had installed new front speakers for me while he had it earlier! There was a little post-it note waiting for me that said, “I hope you enjoy your new speakers. Merry Christmas!” signed with a happy little smiley face that he draws at the end of all his notes to me 🙂 It turns out that he needed my truck for more than just its fuel.

Needless to say, I had a very loud drive home last night and in to work again this morning!

Loverman met me for donuts before work today at our usual 7-11 and I think it’s fair to say that, I am feeling much better and definitely partly re-charged!

I hope all of you have a very bright and wonderful Happy New Year!!! Be safe tonight and enjoy yourselves thoroughly!

Happy New Year by pincel3d on DeviantArt

Happy New Year
by pincel3d on DeviantArt

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Broken Silence

Loverman: You at home?

Me: Yes

Loverman: Can I drop your oil pan off?

Me: Sure

Loverman: I’m here

the_space_between_by_HippieVan57

And that is how he broke the silence.

I went outside to unlock my truck for him.

Pretending to smile as I walked.

Sometimes, if I pretend to be happy I actually become happy.

That didn’t happen this time, but I didn’t get sadder.

I told him again that it really hurts my feelings when he ignores me.

He responded with a blank look and, “What do you mean?”

Really?!?! Are you for real?

I said, Usually we talk every day and you kind of just dropped off my radar.

“I’ve been really busy working on this dude’s car and getting some stuff accomplished.”

(I hate when you say that shit: getting some stuff accomplished…

WTF? You still have my car in your garage waiting for you to drop the engine into it!

When will you be accomplishing that stuff?)

It’s time for a break. I am glad we are having one.

There’s too much anger filling me up inside and I don’t know if it’s me or PMS.

It’s still to hard to choose nice words.

We talked for a while longer.

I told him I was skating tomorrow and if he wanted to come with he needed to let me know.

I told him that I wanted to back off from and not bother him so much to do stuff with me.

I am always the one who asks if we can do something and I am sick of it

I wasn’t going to bother him about it again, I said. So, if you want to come you have to tell me.

I’m going skating either way, I told him.

“Yeah. I’m taking it day-by-day right now.”

WHATEVER!

I replied, I understand. You’re worried about losing your car.

There were other words. Small talk.

It felt awkward to me.

I don’t know how it felt for him.

He gave me a hug before he left and I went back upstairs to get comfortable and ready for bed.

3 Comments »

Broken: Day 106 (Facebook Makes Me Sad)

Facebook sucksLabeda G80 Silver Streak

Checking my newsfeed makes me sad

I am a member of two roller skating groups

Where people talk about how much fun they had skating last night

Or they post pictures and videos of having fun skating

I am very jealous of them

I got my skates out yesterday and put them on

And sat on the couch staring at my feet in them

They still fit…

Two more weeks before I find out if I’m un-broken enough to skate in them again

inner-page-separator

Loverman got himself a Smart Phone

Now he’s on Facebook, too

Last night I went to his page and saw that he entered that he is married

I was upset

My heart sank

I liked it better when he thought Facebook was a waste of timePomegranate Molasses Syrup

I texted him to call me when he got up for work

The waiting minutes oozed by like a molasses mudslide

In my mind I chanted, “Breathe… You’re being silly…” “Breathe… You’re being silly…”

“Breathe… You’re being silly…”

Because I was

My sweet Loverman called me at 9:30

I asked him when is your wedding anniversary

He asked me why

Because you posted on Facebook that you are married

That’s because I am married, sweetie

…I know and I feel silly for getting upset. I just hate to be reminded.
Why did you have to put it there? Forget it… It’s silly…
Thank you for calling me…
I’m sorry that I’m upset.
I miss you baby and wish that you could give me a hug.

Awwww, baby, that’s sweet. I miss you, too. Maybe I’ll see you Tuesday morning.
I think I have to be up in your neighborhood for an appointment. I will give you that hug as soon as I can.

I felt a little better and also a little sillier

But it sure would be nice to feel his strong, reassuring arms holding me tight against him

And possibly a little more 😉

inner-page-separator

Facebook is just a big, rotten reminder of what I can’t do

And what I can’t have

I think it’s time to take Facebook off my list of things to check before I go to bed

6 Comments »

Emotional Turbo-Shuffle

PMS sucks!PMS Monster

Usually I can manage the mood swings. Usually the mood swings only last 2-3 days and then I get my period and things go back to normal for another 25-28 days. Usually I don’t have a broken ankle and have to be on blood thinners because of a blood clot in my leg. Usually I know exactly what’s going to happen and I don’t have a weeks’ worth of anxiety built up inside of me.

This is the first time, in a LONG time, that I have actually wanted to get my period (even my 15-year-old daughter commented last night that she thinks it’s hysterical that I am actually wanting to get my period!). My emotions have been on turbo-shuffle for 6 days now and last night I just couldn’t keep up mentally. I just wanted my  “time of the month” to come so I could go “back to normal”.

Like I said, usually the mood swings only last 2-3 days — that is do-able. I can cope with the ever-changing emotional roller coaster for those 2-3 days, I just have to slow down and think a VERY LONG time before I respond to people and remember that my anger and frustration is just my stifling emotions getting the best of me. But last night I lost total control, my strength for holding back was gone. My coping mechanism had clocked out and gone home for the day.

It all started because I sent him a sexy text yesterday morning and I was waiting for him to respond.

After waiting all day for nothing, it seemed like he was just blowing me off… And while I was waiting I kept getting madder and madder at him for ignoring me. So, by the time he responded to my text with “call me when you get off”, I was completely bent out of shape (for NO reason at all).

Because I was frustrated, I decided I would ignore HIM for a little while to see how he liked it (that NEVER works, I don’t know why I keep trying it…). The car needed one of the tires pumped back up and the brake fluid needed to be topped off, so I thought I would do all that before I called Loverman.
** FYI, it’s difficult for me to get anywhere or do anything with my crutches and it’s even harder to do those things on crutches while talking on the phone which is part of the reason I waited to call him. I told him that… I do remember that part of our conversation. **

Well, it turns out that “call me when you get off” really meant “call me right now, I’m just down the street from your office”. But, I DIDN’T KNOW THAT BECAUSE THAT’S NOT WHAT HE SAID! So, I went about my business taking care of the car and called him when I was done.

He was two blocks away from where I was and I couldn’t stop being angry for long enough to listen to what he was saying to me!! And then I got even angrier because I was mad at myself for screwing up what could have been a sweet little rendezvous.

That is when I proceeded to be a super-mega-bitch-from-hell! I am sure that is an exaggeration, but I was so crazy I can barely remember the things that I said to him. I do know that was not the craziest I have ever been with him, but it had been ages since I let that monster out of the closet.

I was so mean to Loverman that I think he hung up on me! (I say “I think he hung up on me” because he answered the phone when I called him back and told me that his new phone hung up on me — it’s okay, I was being stupid-crazy and I deserved it if he did it! Also, it helped to calm me down a bit, because the last time he hung up on me, he didn’t talk to me for 5 months!)

phone hanging up

The way I acted was totally stupid, because I know that Loverman has other obligations besides me. In reality I understand that I am not the only person that Loverman needs to be there for. In reality I know that he cares about me very, very much and he would not consciously ignore me or hurt me. In reality I feel special every day that he has chosen to include me as one of his closest friends.

And I did finally get my period last night. Now I hope that my emotions can go back to being somewhat consistent again. Maybe it’s just psychosomatic, but I felt a million times more stable when I woke up this morning… There was no inexplicable desire to bawl my eyes out, no desire to tear out someone’s heart and eat it in front of them, I even made it through my morning commute without swearing at anyone! (really there was no traffic to swear at, but I will take my victories where I can get them!)Thank you

I called him this morning and apologized for my craziness. I didn’t make any excuses, I just apologized for being a crazy-ass bitch.

My Sexy Loverman accepted my apology with a simple “thank you” and then went to my office and waited in the parking lot to save a Handicapped parking spot for me.

I am SO lucky!!! I am SO grateful!!

4 Comments »

Am I bi-polar?

Wow! I was just looking through my posts here.

Anger to erotic…

I’m just trying to keep it interesting.

So, today I feel sad. It’s a strange thing to say because I also feel pretty.

I HATE mixed feelings! You will probably hear me saying that again and again. I understand them, I just HATE having them. I just plain feel conflicted.

But right now, until about next Monday, my conflicts will be completely unresolvable because my monthly monster has temporarily abducted all of my rational sensibilities. Right now, I will have to take each thing as it comes (big and small – because for the next few days everything will seem too hard to handle) and s…l…o..w…  d…o…w…n… and think it through.

For example:My commute this morning was really no different than usual – it took the same amount of time, no one tried crashing into me like yesterday morning, etc… – but I could feel every minute I was kept waiting making me more tense. Being prepped ahead of time is no help when the hormones are on overdrive, I guess.

At work I am sitting here, wanting to cry my eyes out. For the stupidest of reasons, but I genuinely want to cry…  So I did. It’s a gorgeous day, so I left my office and walked around the block for about 15 minutes hoping that if I just let the tears come I would feel better when I got back to my desk. Nope, still want to cry. And don’t try telling me to think about all those people out there who have it much worse than me – that will just make it worse, because then I will just start feeling guilty because I am being so self-absorbed. Not to mention how I will feel for the people with bigger problems than my monthly monster…

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