Since Alaska pretty much shunned me last Monday, I’ve had little-to-nothing to say to him.
In all honesty, I am disgusted.
Disgusted with him.
Disgusted with myself.
Before my skate trip to Houston in February, I mentioned to Alaska that I might like for him to pick me up from the airport when I returned.
At that point, it had been 4 weeks since we’d seen each other and I was really starting to miss him. Even for my extracurricular escapades and the fact that we’d been communicating nearly every day, I missed the hell out of him and wanted to feel his gigantic chocolate body next to mine…
When he couldn’t make the effort to come and get me because he was showing houses to a client he already admitted to disliking immensely (AND after knowing about my trip for over a week), I composed my little note to him on the train/bus ride back to my apartment.
And later, when I texted him I’d made it home safe, he simply answered: masturbate for me now and send me the video
Just do I as I say
This made me even more upset with him, but I did as I was told…
Before I fell asleep, he did send me a “good girl” 😉
It’s possible he won’t like that “Someone” is the name I chose for him…
We’ve been conversating through my blog for quite some time; it was right before my skate trip to Dallas when we exchanged numbers.
He came to my hotel one evening while I was there and we met in the lobby.
We chatted for an hour or so. I enjoyed his company, he was handsome, gentlemanly, very intelligent…
I actually wondered why he didn’t try to kiss me, but I figured it was meant to be a platonic friendship and that was totally alright with me!
Sex messes things up for me anyway, and my 21-year-old daughter was sleeping up in our room… There wasn’t much we could have done.
Why must I question everything? Why is so imperative there is an answer?
Why can’t I just be happy when there is no reason?
A couple of weeks ago, the thought popped into my head, “I totally suck at personing.”
Don’t use old pictures to attract me
Don’t put them on dating websites
Don’t send them to me in regards to craigslist posts
I think part of my issue with my submitting to you 100% is that I don’t really know my place. It’s hard for me to define myself as your little girl (or you as my Daddy) because, no matter what, for right now I am only the temporary ‘side bitch’. The thought is preventative and defeatist, I know, but I can’t get it out of my head. I am so lost and confused in my feelings about ‘us’. Right now I am supposed to be yours as your kitten/toy/doll/little girl, but I don’t really know what that means or entails. We’ve established boundaries, but not enough for me to establish a definite ‘role’. We are just starting to touch on which behaviors of mine are acceptable to you and which are not. When do I call you Sir or [Mick] or Daddy? Or are they interchangeable? Also something to think on, I don’t know why but I am having a tough time with calling you “Daddy”. It has slipped out in the past, before you defined yourself as such, now I find myself resistant to it. I am so fucked up…