You ok?

I went to bed at 6 PM on Wednesday night

To answer your question, I am sick.

I’ve been fighting ***serious*** depression and alcoholism for 5+ years. It’s not getting any better. It gets worse every week… Drinking a literal shit-ton and then passing out is my way of coping. (Example: Last night)

When I told you that I was trying to get my apartment ready for you, and then you told me that you would have to get a hotel or sleep in your car – It was like you didn’t read any of the words I sent. Did you even notice that I was trying? I bought a crate for my dog, put a privacy curtain up over my bedroom doorway and even explained to you that the kittens spend most of their time in Thing #1’s room…

Anyway:

Lovely Molly

I got Molly for me, so I could try and start healing myself. I’m so lost and alone… Molly has helped me lose over 20 pounds – and she gets me outside every single day. Maybe I’m not happy, maybe I haven’t stopped drinking, but she’s helping me. A lot! (Way a lot more than I have been able to help myself!)

I need to get better and I haven’t found a way yet. So far, Molly is the best way that I have found.

Finding the kittens just happened. They belong to Thing #1 🤷‍♀️

Kaska

Lyra

If my having these animals is a problem, please just say it outright. They help me. I am alone and I feel so alone.

Every. Damn. Day…

The Return

Loverman (aka: Loserman) finally came back to me on July 3rd, 2021

I don’t know why… maybe because I finally gave up on Alaska (Meet: Alaska)… maybe because I was finally able to have gratitude for his part in my life… maybe because water is finally under the bridge…

Maybe it has nothing to do with me and he came to a point in his life he could finally accept my love…

No matter what, I am so grateful 😇

Panic Stricken

The past two weeks I have been having mild panic attacks. Nothing debilitating, but my heart and brain start racing and I can’t focus on anything else except being worried.

Worried about what? I don’t fucking know – which kind of makes it worse.

Anyway…. I reached out to a friend for some kind words and I was told “at least you have it better than me.”

That really hurt and definitely didn’t help me feel better. I started comparing! There were examples on either side proving the other has it better….

This is the message I wrote but did not send. I knew it wouldn’t help.

FYI, no part of this conversation helped me to feel better. In fact, I feel way worse than I did when I reached out to you.

I would do anything if you could get over Kim and remove all of that hatred from your heart. It was over 20 years ago and, even though it will always be with you, it doesn’t have to be the **only** thing that defines you.

What you said to me today about how I’m better off than you are??? I’m sad that you don’t know and that you haven’t asked how I am. FYI l, I’m struggling with ALCOHOLISM, severe(!) depression, and not being able to make ends meet. The matter of fact that I texted you, telling you how I was freaking out, should give you some kind of clue.

I’m. Not. Ok

“Babe, you could have paid 6 months mortgage at the lake house for that kind of money!”

My family will never help me, while your family is there for you every day…. I wish more than I can say that I had a family like that. 😢

They know as little as you do about me…

Sadly, we can compare each other and our individual lives forever, but that won’t bring either one of us any happiness.

Love, Me

So, what happens is:

I spend my entire week (through thoughts of suicide and self-destruction) trying to build myself up and tell myself that I am amazing and smart and worth it – basically, trying to love myself…

(Trust me, it’s not easy fighting the thoughts that I am insane and shit. You *totally* don’t help me. Check it out):

Actual Goals

10/12/2020

I set a few actual 30-day goals last week (gotta start small, since sticking to my goals is a relatively new concept to me)

• Journaling at least twice a week (pretty good about it)
• Exercise every single morning (pretty good about it)
• Only eat when hungry (not so good about it)
• Start exercise every day by 7PM (50/50 on this one)
• Make at least $200/week driving rideshare (fail)

Except I am writing this entry instead of exercising…

Life is Hard (and scary, too)

Life is overwhelming me. So much so, that I am curious how I’ve made it this far.

I mean, my kids are grown and I am 49 years old. Somehow I managed to get married and stay married for 20 years. I found the courage to get a divorce… I’ve interviewed for many jobs, left those jobs for new ones, made friends and met new people, moved from MN to CO…

But, the past couple of years haven’t been going very smoothly for me and life has become increasingly difficult.

Loneliness

It’s Christmas.

You’re the only thing that I miss.

There’s no reason; I never meant anything to you; you never got me a gift.

Holidays were just a time for you to ignore me.

What She Wants

Freeing Myself

The love-bombing started right away

We started seeing each other near the end of October (4 years ago now…*sigh*)

Inviting me to holiday events with his family

Helping me to feel instantly important

Beyond Broken

I have lost the ability to articulate

My stories

My feelings

I feel stuck

Broken

Shy

Withdrawn

Lost