Smitten with Him

grown-up stuff happens here sometimes

Speechless and Senseless

Speechless…

I hate how there are tons of things I want to write to you; about you.

But when I start to put the thoughts to words, the ideas just seem stupid. Read the rest of this entry »

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Incidentally…

AirportTree2

…there was something else that happened last weekend while I was on vacation. Something irrelevant but silly, so I thought I would share it here with you.

About 3 weeks before I left on my trip to Sacramento, I sent out some messages on Ashley Madison to a few men in that area.

Only 1 responded.

That’s okay… It’s the quality not the quantity, right?

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Teasing Scorpio

I was bored and horny last Friday evening, so I thought I would harass the hell out of Scorpio. (He’s staying with an aunt about two hours away. She recently had surgery and he’s staying with her to help out.)

GonnaDo

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Bye, Mr. X

If you truly love your wife and want some advice and perspective on making your marriage work, here is the website I told you about. This is the page with all of Matt’s Letters to Shitty Husbands – http://mustbethistalltoride.com/an-open-letter-to-shitty-husbands/. If you don’t have much time, read these, but I really like this guy and read almost every one of his posts.

For what it’s worth, thank you for taking time to dump me (but I suspect you have already deleted this email account and you were just being kind to me when you said you wanted to still be “friends”. I should have known better when you told me “It’s not you, it’s me”… Cliché or not…)

Good luck with the job, the wife and your beloved daughter. I wish all of you the best… Even though I hope to hear back from you someday, I’m sure I’m only deluding myself.

I’m sorry, Mr. X. I totally fucked everything up.

Someday maybe I will get it right, but for now I am off to break some serious asshole hearts before I am too old to have my revenge…

*sigh*

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An Ending

Mr. X broke up with me last night.

But he told me he still wants to be friends *sigh*

Sure, whatever…

It hurts so much.

I shared more of myself with him than I have ever shared with anyone.

Even you guys.

I haven’t shared most of what happened between Mr. X and I with you all.

Regardless, I got quite attached to him as a result of transference.

Then he rejected me.

At least he had the decency to tell me.

I guess.

At least he wasn’t like Loserman – Mr. X had the courage to tell me it’s ‘over’.

To my face.

At this point I’ll take my lumps over in the corner…

Alone…

Feelings On-Off

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It’s not you, it’s me

It is *definitely* not you
It definitely *is* me
I am too needy

And
You weren’t the one who didn’t make himself clear

*I* was

It is so very important to me that you keep your word

Crucial, actually

Once the trust is broken
It’s broken
How can I know now?
What you mean and what you don’t?

My heart is guarded from you
Tender from your random radio silence
Convinced that you will do it again

And again

And again

Image result for broken trust
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My Response/s

I find it oddly coincidental that I received so much communication from you immediately after I re-opened my Ashley Madison account.

Why did you wait to send all of your emails at the same exact second? Why couldn’t you send each email one at a time, every 2-3 days starting last Sunday…??? If you had done that, this wouldn’t even be happening and we would probably be on “better terms” as you say.

This is stoopid hard! In fact, I don’t even know why you keep coming back… Is it so you can let me down again and then be able punish/hate yourself for fucking up again? Do you want (or need) me (or your wife) to be disappointed in you? Are you creating distance between us on purpose? Why are you making it so hard for me to be vulnerable with you? Why do you find it so difficult to be vulnerable with me? I don’t understand… It always seemed like Loserman was doing all of that, too…

I don’t believe you are being entirely forthcoming with me. My thinking that you are keeping things from me doesn’t help me to trust you.

Your poem was entirely too cryptic…

We had become attached.
There was more to it than that.
The layers and partitions have changed.
It was never my intention to become estranged.
Strange how this works.
Both women in my life are saying I am making them hurt.
I apologize for my change in focus.
My changes, are the things that broke us…

 

(his response to my post Fade Away)

I just want to give up every time things get tough. I like you a big fat shit ton, but I’m not actually convinced that you like me as much as you think you should/do. Or maybe you feel sorry for me and don’t want to hurt my feelings. That’s how it seems from here.

I don’t want pity. I need help. I need to know that you will keep your word and not be entirely consumed by every squirrel that darts past…

you-were-born-to-be-real-p

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There’s Still Hope

Monday night I received a text from Scorpio:

Hey just to let you know I got some of that money ready for you to pick up whenever you want

I was SO surprised! Based on my past experiences with men (and a recent conversation) I honestly thought I would never hear from Scorpio ever again.

We met on Tuesday night after work and he paid me $100 of the $140.

He greeted me with a hug and I’ll admit that it was pretty awkward. We haven’t even spoken, only exchanged a few texts about the money he owes me from our Sk8cation a month ago.

Also, he had a friend with him and I didn’t know if they were expecting me to give them a ride or what. I asked if they needed a ride, they discussed it for a minute and decided to stick with Plan A: take the bus.

Scorpio told his buddy that he was going to talk to me in my car for a second and would be right back.

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Fade Away

Image result for if you ignore me quotes

I wish I could tear my heart away from you

As easily as you have withdrawn yours from me

Talking to me less and less

As if you’ve completely lost interest

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Sunday Night with Cevichito

(I have tried to write this post a bunch of times and I’m just not feeling it. I even drank half a bottle of wine Tuesday night hoping it would help. It didn’t. So, if my writing seems ‘off’ to you, that’s probably just because it is… Maybe I need to go back to reading smut…)

bamboo-divider-line

The evening went fairly well.

Not phenomenal or anything, but I didn’t expect it to.

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