Smitten with Him

grown-up stuff happens here sometimes

Telling the Ex

NotYouItsMe

It looks kind of like they’re choking each other, doesn’t it?

Living with my ex-husband…

I’ve been thinking: at some point in the near future, I am going to have to tell Doom-n-Gloom that I am going ou on a date or that I am interested in someone and seeing (fucking) them ‘on the regular’. Especially since I am spending more and more nights away from home: sometimes 2 nights at Alaska’s, and there’s Mr. R…  And every once in a while I am still swiping on Tinder (but not really meeting anyone – lots of chatting).

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Karma Payback

image from giphy.com

image from giphy.com

I used to give Loserman money like it was going out of style.

And the fact that Doon-n-Gloom is still living with me after we’re divorced also speaks to my generosity stupidity.

I don’t know if I was trying to buy their love or just being nice.

Probably a little bit of both.

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If He’s Nothing Else, At Least He’s Persistent

amour-fantasies-happen

Admittedly, it’s a very flattering feeling to know that someone has been fantasizing about me for the last two and a half years. And he is a successful attorney after all…

We only met briefly in a courthouse; he was the collection company’s attorney, I was getting sued.

He met me under some rather unflattering emotional conditions – doing something new alone (ARGH!!), which just happened to be going to court.

  • He saw me panicking at the beginning while I was explaining things to him (I think I even cried…)
  • I know I cried when the company agreed to settle for half of what I owed
  • I was exceptionally grateful to him after everything was settled and done – I thanked him profusely for being patient and kind and helping to make the process easier for me.
  • Afterwards, when we rode down on the elevator alone together, I was my silly self – making small talk as one does, except I am a total dork…

The day after, I found him on LinkedIn and we connected there.

Maybe that’s why Brent is so attracted to me…

Inadvertently, I charmed his pants off.
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More Feelings or Introspection or Something

Sometimes I wonder if I am too overly critical of my partner. (Ya think?)

I mean, I am too overly critical of myself

Do I intentionally pick someone who cannot give me what I need and then hold them to some unachievable expectation?

Then they can never be what I truly want/desire in a partner?

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It Sucks I Have to Pretend You’re Dead

SickFuck

Well…

My divorce from Doom-n-Gloom is final.

According to the agreement, in order to avoid paying him support, he gets to live with me until our lease expires mid-September 2016.

But, I am single now and I could be yours if you would have me.

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The Wisdom of Divorce by Ricki Lake

Divorce_RickiLake

This morning at 11AM Mountain Time, if all goes well the way it should, Doom-n-Gloom and I will be finalizing our divorce.

Maybe some of the distress I have been feeling recently is a part of this process and the “ending of an era”. I mean, Ricki’s quote up there really rings true for me.

Things just slowly faded and then, one day I looked up and all the color was gone.

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Smitten and Doom-n-Gloom Go to Court

divorce

Last Thursday morning was our initial status conference for the divorce.

I was anxious that, because Doom-n-Gloom doesn’t have a picture ID, we might have some problems. So ahead of time I talked with a court adviser who explained that the facilitator probably wouldn’t even ask for identification — but we should bring whatever he has just in case.

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Word of the Day: Gaslighting (revisited)

gaslight1944dvd

Do you know what it is?

Wikipedia says:

Gaslighting or gas-lighting[1] is a form of mental abuse in which false information is presented with the intent of making a victim doubt her or his own memory, perception, and sanity.[2] Instances may range simply from the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred, up to the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim.
The term owes its origin to the play Gas Light and its film adaptations, after which it was coined popularly. Now the term even is used in clinical and research literature.

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Moving Right Along

without

In the marriage-ending department things are going well.

I guess I expected a little more bitterness/strife/anxiety from Doom-n-Gloom. Even though he hasn’t changed any of his core behaviors that I cannot live with (eg: his complete inability to realize anyone else exists in this world besides himself, yada yada…), he is being more conversational and ‘friendly’ than usual.

Please don’t get me wrong here. I am NOT complaining!! But Doom-n-Gloom’s lack of ‘passion’ or any sort of feelings towards this divorce gets me to thinking: most men fight back in some way when their wives are divorcing them. In some distorted and perverted and immature way, doesn’t that mean the husband still cares for the relationship and/or wife and is sad/upset/hurt to be losing it/her?? Kind of like pre-separation anxiety?

Anyway, what I think I am trying to say here is:

  1. I am very relieved. Hopefully he stays in his denial holding pattern (if that’s what this is) until after the initial hearing in mid-August (at least).
  2. If he’s this apathetic about me leaving him, how much did he even care about me (and/or us) to begin with?

Truly, none of that really even matters because our marriage was broken long before I started this blog.

It just took me this long to figure out that I deserve to be with someone who cares about me, myself, my well-being and (along with me) endeavors to work on our relationship every single day we’re together – and even on the days when we’re not.

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Quiet

I am thankful to say that the reason I haven’t been writing is because I have nothing really to write about. Things are mostly quiet in my life.

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