Smitten with Him

grown-up stuff happens here sometimes

So, what happens is:

I spend my entire week (through thoughts of suicide and self-destruction) trying to build myself up and tell myself that I am amazing and smart and worth it – basically, trying to love myself…

(Trust me, it’s not easy fighting the thoughts that I am insane and shit. You *totally* don’t help me. Check it out):

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Idiotic Ramblings of a Lost Soul

Interesting conundrum:

I need to love myself more and start believing that I am, in fact, relevant and worthy.

However, I also need to remember that the world doesn’t revolve around me and my heightened sense of self is irrational

How do I reconcile the two?

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Resonance

If you’re a bank robber, you attract bank robbers

People who go to Church on Sundays, hang out with people who go to Church on Sundays

Peacocks are not attracted to pigeons

C-chords will recognize another c-chord and resonate

… becoming the mop and broom for other people, because you don’t know your own self…

… automatically, narcissistic people are manifested in your life…

—- Me, right now —-

But I am choosing to be alone, and learn myself.

Right now, I just need to focus on me.

Like all y’all, be safe and care mostly about your own self and well-being.

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Jiggly Bits and Insecurities: REVISITED

love

(Original post here, but they’re pretty much the same)

I have learned very recently that most men don’t give a crap about jiggly bits. Even younger men…

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Less

10/19/2020 (a Monday)

Less drunk. Less mad. Less hate.

Not drunk at all, as a matter of fact. But it took me a full day to recover from it.

Still there is hate and anger, but much less today than the past week – it was relentless (hence the over-drinking Friday and Saturday).

Got another 100% on my Master Herbalist course. It feels good, but I’m not exactly into it, per se. I hope I can get into it more when I get to learning more about the actual plants, and making stuff, instead of the botany sections where I am presently.

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Temporarily Reunited

So…. Something very unexpected happened to me recently.

Lov(s)erman returned the $800 he borrowed from me BACK IN 2014!!!

Long Story, Short:

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Actual Goals

10/12/2020

I set a few actual 30-day goals last week (gotta start small, since sticking to my goals is a relatively new concept to me)

  • Journaling at least twice a week (pretty good about it)
  • Exercise every single morning (pretty good about it)
  • Only eat when hungry (not so good about it)
  • Start exercise every day by 7PM (50/50 on this one)
  • Make at least $200/week driving rideshare (fail)

Except I am writing this entry instead of exercising…

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Life is Hard (and scary, too)

Life is overwhelming me. So much so, that I am curious how I’ve made it this far.

I mean, my kids are grown and I am 49 years old. Somehow I managed to get married and stay married for 20 years. I found the courage to get a divorce… I’ve interviewed for many jobs, left those jobs for new ones, made friends and met new people, moved from MN to CO…

But, the past couple of years haven’t been going very smoothly for me and life has become increasingly difficult.

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F*** Life

Seriously…

Life has been beating me up recently

It doesn’t help that I can’t stop thinking about killing myself

(I do recognize how those two statements are related to each other in an evil downward spiral)

We’ll start in the middle because I don’t feel like writing about the beginning quite yet…

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Life Goals

I guess I’m supposed to have them, right?

Every time I set a life goal for myself, I rationalize myself out of it

Or I make it totally un-achievable or something

So then I can hate all over myself for failing

Or quitting

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