Smitten with Him

grown-up stuff happens here sometimes

Sunday Night with Cevichito

(I have tried to write this post a bunch of times and I’m just not feeling it. I even drank half a bottle of wine Tuesday night hoping it would help. It didn’t. So, if my writing seems ‘off’ to you, that’s probably just because it is… Maybe I need to go back to reading smut…)

bamboo-divider-line

The evening went fairly well.

Not phenomenal or anything, but I didn’t expect it to.

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Giving Head

I enjoy sucking cock. Given that it is clean and well-trimmed, etc… (irrelevantly, Loserman’s was practically perfect).

Mr. X’s is quite lovely. I would like to have sucked it and kissed it and worshipped it all night long if he would let me.

But Mr. X is the first man who told me that I don’t do it ‘right’ (I haven’t sucked that many dicks, though…)

This is a really big deal to me because it is something I actually enjoy doing. (Hence the reason I am still obsessing about this weeks later.) I have read about it and watched videos and practiced…

I like to be slow and methodical… I use my hands and my mouth… I suck his balls and fondle pretty much everything…

I have dentures so, when my teeth are in, I’m afraid that I will hurt a man.

Plus, everything I have read/heard says “NO BITING!”

Then I watched a NSFW video that Mr. X sent me. It is a ‘training video’ on how to give a perfect blow job.

OMG! I can’t do that!!! Maybe a couple of those things…

I guess if Mr. X was expecting that, he should have been disappointed with me… *shrug*

But it makes me wonder: was I ever even good, or were they just waiting for me to get it over with?

I kind of wish I could ask Loserman. I was never able to make him cum with my mouth. Is it because I wasn’t doing it ‘right’?

StopGivingHead

It’s incredible how one small, relatively insignificant, criticism can cause me so much self-doubt.

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Crying Doesn’t Help

Maybe Loserman left me because my blow jobs only merit a 6.5

OR

Perhaps it’s because my kisses are too sloppy or give him a rash

Either way it doesn’t matter, right?

He’s gone and no matter how *I* feel, it doesn’t matter.

AnotherGirl

My ‘friends” have been trying to get me to cry about Loserman.

They say I need to feel those feelings

(My actual REAL friends, all TWO of them, haven’t said anything about it. When they found out Loserman was gone, they both just told me that they would be there for me if I wanted to talk. And that’s all they’ve said.)

Incidentally, I have cried about him every day since last Thursday.

It doesn’t help. Why does everyone tell me it will?

The last time I saw him  I told him that I missed him, and his response was, “I miss you guys, too.” WTF? Who are ‘you guys’? My kids?!?!

I’m nothing special to him.

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Baby Steps

HonestyFoundationTrust

He said he gave me a 6.5 because he wanted to be honest.

I appreciate that. It gives me something to work towards.

I am not denying that it hurt or that it was a pretty huge blow to my ego (whether or not I am actually a 6.5).

We talked about it at breakfast Friday. He told me that he mentioned it to 2 of his friends and they thought he shouldn’t have been such a dick about it so blunt. Although he agreed there could have been a kinder way to say it, it worked out fine this way, too…

Because, either way, it’s important that I know if I am or am not pleasing to my lover, right? What kind of sub would I be if I didn’t care how good he thought I was? Or how good he thought I felt or performed.. I want him to be proud of me… Pleased with me… Pleasured by me…

I am not changing for him, but we are learning each other.

Does that make sense?

Also, it’s possible he was trying to gauge my emotions and how I will react to different things – a bit of a test maybe. Not to be an asshole, but to get to know me/feel me out. He eluded to it a bit at the beginning of our breakfast Friday.

It was something he said and his words totally perplexed me… It was strange. He saw it on my face but didn’t ask me about it – I could tell and appreciate that he held back.

Incidentally, Mr. X confided in me that he thought I was going to “break up” with him for his 6.5 comment. It actually felt reassuring that he thinks about those types of things sometimes, too…

We are still just getting to know each other.

Baby steps.

We’re jumping into a pretty huge adventure together.

Baby steps.

Both of us learning something new.

Exploring that side of ourselves together.

We’re being straightforward-honest with each other and, in that, vulnerable to the core.

As far as I’m concerned, so far so good! 😀

Mr. X told me, “We’re building a skyscraper and we can’t do that overnight. We’re on the 2nd floor. Be patient.”

Baby steps.

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6.5

I’ve thought about it for a few days now…

And 6.5 is a pretty bad score…

PracticeMakesAwesome

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