Off the Deep End

Off the Deep End

Desperate2

I am very disappointed in myself for re-engaging with Mick. I should have let his little tantrum be the end of us.

*sigh* But that isn’t the choice I made and I’m now reaping the consequences = excuses, excuses, excuses…

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My Response/s

My Response/s

I find it oddly coincidental that I received so much communication from you immediately after I re-opened my Ashley Madison account.

Why did you wait to send all of your emails at the same exact second? Why couldn’t you send each email one at a time, every 2-3 days starting last Sunday…??? If you had done that, this wouldn’t even be happening and we would probably be on “better terms” as you say.

This is stoopid hard! In fact, I don’t even know why you keep coming back… Is it so you can let me down again and then be able punish/hate yourself for fucking up again? Do you want (or need) me (or your wife) to be disappointed in you? Are you creating distance between us on purpose? Why are you making it so hard for me to be vulnerable with you? Why do you find it so difficult to be vulnerable with me? I don’t understand… It always seemed like Loserman was doing all of that, too…

I don’t believe you are being entirely forthcoming with me. My thinking that you are keeping things from me doesn’t help me to trust you.

Your poem was entirely too cryptic…

We had become attached.
There was more to it than that.
The layers and partitions have changed.
It was never my intention to become estranged.
Strange how this works.
Both women in my life are saying I am making them hurt.
I apologize for my change in focus.
My changes, are the things that broke us…

 

(his response to my post Fade Away)

I just want to give up every time things get tough. I like you a big fat shit ton, but I’m not actually convinced that you like me as much as you think you should/do. Or maybe you feel sorry for me and don’t want to hurt my feelings. That’s how it seems from here.

I don’t want pity. I need help. I need to know that you will keep your word and not be entirely consumed by every squirrel that darts past…

you-were-born-to-be-real-p

Our First Night Together

Our First Night Together

Thursday, late afternoon, Mr. X texted me our hotel address and room number. He would be picking up some family at the airport and dropping them off at home; after that he would be on the way to meet me.

There was a key waiting for me at the front desk and he asked if I could pick up some dinner on the way…

Of course, Mr. X!

Subway it was 😉 I got a foot-long cold-cut combo and salt and vinegar chips to share.

Later when we were eating he commented on how he really likes salt and vinegar chips…

It’s just a little thing, but I like discovering our commonalities… Like when he found out that I prefer to drive a manual transmission vehicle, that our favorite color is green, or when I found out that he likes coffee and also eats healthy food (Doom-n-Gloom and Loserman are both very anti-healthy-food)…

One of the first questions I had for Mr. X, while we ate dinner, was “Since you’ve been married, how many other women have you slept with?”

His response was, “I haven’t really counted honestly.”

I giggled and then asked him to remind me how long he has been married. “13 years,” he said.

“Ummm, I see… So, how many do you think?” I persisted.

“Definitely less than 10, probably like 5 I think. I didn’t start cheating on her until like 2-3 years ago.”

Another giggle from me, then I said, “You’ve been kind of busy…”

The subject evolved to different hotels in the city. It turns out that he takes his wife out on date nights and they will make an entire night of it, movie, dinner, room, etc… And, of course in my illicit ‘relationship’ with Loserman, I have stayed at several hotels as well.

We discussed the good the bad and the ugly hotels in the area while we finished up our sandwiches.

**I also found out he hasn’t started reading my book. You know, the one I finished right before our last rendezvous and gave to him so he could review it???** That was disappointing… But I know he’s busy with family life and it was just the holidays.

We moved over to the bed and started undressing each other (that part always goes better in my head – there doesn’t seem to be a sexy or easy way to take of 3 layers of a man’s clothing).

He let me be on top first.

But he was still in charge.

When I would start going too fast or I would pull him out of me too far, he held my hips firmly on his. He was deep inside me and simply gyrating my pelvis on his made me cum several times. When he started stroking my clit with his thumb, I came so hard that I saw stars.

It felt so good and I couldn’t stop.

I was still straddling him when he wrapped his strong hands around my neck and started to lightly squeeze my throat. I could still breathe without much struggle; there was just enough pressure on my windpipe for me to wish there was a little more. Would he let me pass out? Would I like that? How was he feeling at that moment?

I savored the moment of his dominance, focused on the sensation of his control over me and I thought, How does this make me feel?

As many of you know I have a very heightened lack of self-control and as a result, I have had to overcome some self-destructive tendencies.

On that note, it was nice to feel like he was “destroying” me. I liked letting him have his way with me. I wanted more.

I felt very vulnerable, giving my self to this man and trusting him with it. Trusting that he cared about my self enough not to take things too far…

*I* can’t even to that!!!

It’s very difficult describe how I felt; I liked it very much – knowing he could destroy me, but he wasn’t…

I nuzzled at his hands as they were gently strangling me, lightly overpowering me. I liked it and I wanted to show him.

We orgasmed together like that…

Later I even had the opportunity to practice my oral skills and I even got my spanking 😉

Finally! Someone who could take me seriously. Someone who smacked my ass hard enough that his palm probably burned a little afterward. (I didn’t get to survey my ass when he was done, but I suspect the devil-kitty side was quite red when he was finished with her).

Hello Kitty Devil

He even mentioned it the next morning while we were eating breakfast together:

Oh! I didn’t give you that spanking this time either.

Yes you did. You got that one side very well! I’m surprised it’s not still glowing this morning…

I smacked you an even number of times 😉

Hmmm… Did you? Was that number divisible by four, because I really like numbers divisible by four? They’re my favorite!

Yes! I’m sure I did 😉
But I suppose
next time you’ll want me to “balance it out”?

Of course…

Like a Punch In the Chest

Like a Punch In the Chest

I wish I had some tequila right now… 😦

Crying Heart by Moshin Khan
Crying Heart by Moshin Khan

Loverman went to a wedding this afternoon without me.

It was one of our skate friends that invited both of us a couple of months ago. He took down all the information in his phone, blah blah blah…

We talked about going together if he had time. So, I thought if he went, he would be going with me.

But I guess I should have expected him to go without me. I am always the one asking him to do stuff and he has a nasty habit of not sticking to what we had planned.

I found out when he texted me this evening:

Hey, babe. I went to XXX & XXX’s wedding. They missed not seeing my ‘wife’ 😐

I tried to call him before I sent my first response text. He didn’t answer.

I really really wish you had brought me.

But, I was REALLY hurt so I followed it with:

You didn’t even ask me.

My heart was hurting so much. It still is. I can’t believe he went without me!

I waited a couple more minutes and then I called him, hoping he would answer.

He answered and the first thing I said was, “I’m trying really hard not to cry. It really hurts that you didn’t talk to me or tell me you were going to that wedding. We skated together with them on Thursday. You talked to them and everything. Didn’t you think or want to ask me or let me know that you were going?”

He made a bunch of excuses:

I woke up late
My buddy wanted me to help bleed his brakes when I got up and, when I finally got going, there was hardly any time to get there
There was a motorcycle accident on the highway and it made me so late I only saw their vows
I wasn’t going there to have fun or anything, I just went to support some friends

He’s not lying. I know all of that is true. What is hurting is that he didn’t even THINK to call me and TELL me that he was leaving!

I asked him to please just tell me that he’s sorry for not asking me, and mean it.

He apologized.

But I can’t believe he excluded me. Just like that!

I asked him, “Before they asked you about your ‘wife’, did you even think about me?”

He didn’t answer the question. I was crying and he could tell. So he started just talking to me to make me feel better. He does that. Just on and on and on and on. Changing the subject from the wedding to everything else, because (I want to think) he felt bad for leaving me out and hurting me.

I only cried for a little while during our conversation. We talked for 45 minutes and it just ended about 20 minutes ago

I sit here feeling like there’s a lead weight on my chest. Is it possible for a heart to actually cry?

It hurts that he left me out.

It hurts that, after all this time, he still doesn’t think of bringing me to things — but I think of bringing him to everything. *sigh*

I really want some tequila right now, but tonight’s my skate night. I leave in 40 minutes.

I don’t even want to go, but I have to because it’s exercise and I need to exercise. It will help.

They’re just feelings and they will pass.

Loverman’s Current Situation

Loverman’s Current Situation

moving-day

For the last month, Loverman has been moving his things to a storage unit about 40 minutes away. Except for a few of his most important things — his bed, his 3 vehicles that don’t work, 1 vehicle that does work, some clothes, etc… — he is totally moved out of his wife’s house.

But he has nowhere to go.

His wife‘s house no longer has power. Water has been shut off for a second time. It has been 11 months since she has made a mortgage payment. Her son has been taken away by her mother to go live with his uncle. It’s only a matter of time before the bank forecloses on her house and she has to leave.

Loverman doesn’t want to be living there when it happens, so he is sleeping in a friend’s spare bed for the time being. While he’s there, he’s using their internet to find a place to live and a second job and a place to store his 3-4 vehicles.

I don’t talk about his money much, but his checks are garnished for child support (3 kids) so he gets very little of it after everyone else has taken their pieces. That’s why I am always giving him money and trying to help him out. I would want someone to help me if I needed it, right?

Which is why he needs to get a second job. I can’t give him enough money for an apartment and he can’t live with me… Even if Doom-n-Gloom wasn’t there, I wouldn’t be able to live with Loverman, not until Thing #2 has graduated from high school in two years. I joke about how he could come over and sneak up into my loft and sleep there all day. No one would notice…

I have been thinking about this a lot recently along with sorting out what I really want and trying to get my life in order. I have tossed around the idea of putting a down payment on a trailer home or condo or something for him/us. It would be in both of our names and he would make the monthly payments. I’m not planning on moving in with him or anything, at least not right now. But I would have something to fall back on when I finally do split from the husband.

Or, I’d have a rental property if things don’t work out.

But all of that depends on whether or not I get a bonus at the end of this year, and how much it is.

I’m not trying to put the cart in front of the horse here, but I enjoy having these ideas to toy around with. It gives me something to look forward to. I’m not building expectations here, just dreams.

And somewhere in those dreams, I feel power.

SunClouds

Back to Our Regularly Scheduled Date Night

Back to Our Regularly Scheduled Date Night

It was so nice to be with Loverman again: my addiction. It’s like I’ve come down from a high and then I get high again and have to come down all over.

Or, maybe a better analogy would be a pendulum. I feel like I am swinging over to one side and then momentum carries me all the way across to the opposite side, just to be flopped back for forth.

Again and again and again.

But, I guess that’s what love is, right? Ups and downs, highs and lows, ins and outs 😉 …

Twice I told him that I love him. Once last night before bed and once this morning when we woke up. Something totally unprecedented!

Some of you may be thinking, “If you love him so much, why are you fucking Mr. AM on the side and still entertaining messages from other men?

Truthfully, I really don’t fucking know. All I know is that I am trying to figure this shit out like everyone else in this crazy place. Maybe I think I need a diversion when Loverman isn’t around, maybe I am trying to maintain some type of separation from him because I don’t want to get too close. Maybe I need a self-confidence boost. Maybe I am trying to mess things up…

But the fact remains, I really do love my sexy Loverman, and the feelings I have for him confuse and befuddle me every single day.

Of course there are things that I don’t love about him, too. But on the whole he’s a pretty awesome guy with some commitment issues.

We are creatures of habit, Loverman and I. So, our reunion Date Night this week was like we just went all back to normal again. A nice drive “up the hill” to our casino hotel. We saw our regular bartender who, over the course of 2 hours, served us 4 shots of tequila each — I love drinking with Loverman — then we strolled back to our room.

We took off our clothes in front of the television while we were still talking, about what I cannot remember, and then climbed into bed.

The topic of conversation changed then, and I can completely remember what we were talking about. It was one of the strangest thing to mention when you getting ready to sleep with your Other Woman. He asked me, “When we’re at skating, what do people call me?”

Me: Ummm… Your name?

Him: No, Peanut! I mean, do they call me your husband or boyfriend or what?

Me: Most everyone there thinks you are my husband.

Him: Do you say anything to them?

Me: Yes. I tell them you’re not my husband. Why do you ask?

Him: Because everyone refers to you as my wife. I tell them the same thing as you: that you are not my wife, that you are my best friend.

Me: One guy calls you my husband every single time he refers to you, and I correct him every single time. He just replies, ‘Whatever’ and shrugs.

Him: Yeah. I know who you’re talking about. I get that response from pretty much everyone anyways. What I think is strange is that all of them know your daughter, too.

(I don’t mention it here much, because it doesn’t really matter, but Loverman is almost as black as night. I’m a German Girl and most definitely white.)

Me: Yeah, and she’s as white as chalk! Obviously they don’t think you’re her father! But, we do all get along together very well and we kind of act like a family when we’re skating together.

He nodded in agreement and I said, “This is sure a strange conversation to have while we’re lying here in bed together, a little drunk, getting ready to have sex” and then I leaned over him and kissed him.

“Well, what do you want to talk about then?”

“How about no more talking right now,” and I kissed him again, deeply this time. Enjoying the feel of his full lips on mine, savoring the lingering taste of tequila on his breath. The alcohol allowed my thoughts to move from the awkward conversation to something completely different.

My right hand wandered down his body, underneath the sheets, to find that he was already erect and at full attention. I giggled and pulled the sheets down so I could take him slowly into my mouth and taste his salty firmness.  It felt so good to have him this close to me again, to be able to feel his skin next to mine, feel the power I have over his body.

We made love like magical clockwork.

Like there had been no break.

There has never been a man who fits me so well.

Inside of me.

Outside of me.

I fell asleep in his arms.

We woke up the next morning and made love again.

It was perfect, and I would have loved to stay there in his arms but we needed to shower and get to work.

We made really good time on the way back and stopped for our breakfast of Lamar’s Donuts 🙂

I loved being able to spend so much time with him, talking and just being together.

I think I just need to keep reminding myself to slow down and stop thinking so much.

Since our date night Tuesday, we skated together Wednesday and Loverman was supposed to leave for his family reunion in Mississippi Thursday. Well… Thursday afternoon, half-way through Kansas, his passenger-side rear axle went out and he had to be towed back to Denver: 365 miles.

That’s a totally boring and long story that will be left untold, except to say that Loverman is home safe and now has nothing working of his own to drive.

Which I will probably learn more about this afternoon when I call him to tell him he can borrow my car 🙂

I hope everyone had a happy 4th of July and that you all get to enjoy a long weekend!

Dumbass

Dumbass

I talked on the phone with Loverman last Saturday morning. Pretty much the entire conversation just irritated the hell out of me. He doesn’t listen. We’ve talked about it in the past, but he doesn’t listen. He gets hooked on the first thing I say and then imagines in his head what he’s going to say the entire time I am talking. Not listening.

I thought it started out well. He was telling me about his week and how, for the last 3 days, he was so sick he couldn’t get out of bed. I asked if he was feeling any better and he completely avoided the question and started telling me how he called enough friends and rallied enough money to get his water turned back on. That was awesome! I told him good job and asked if he felt a lot better now that he had a little control over something. There was just uncomfortable silence.

So, I brought up the car of mine he just finished fixing.

Aside:
It took him 5 years, but it’s finally done! I understand that he doesn’t have a workshop and all sorts of other things. Which is why it took so long. At the beginning, when he first started working on my car, it bothered me how long it was taking. Eventually I started to realize that, the more I bothered him about getting it done, the less he actually worked on it. He is also that way with his friends when they need him to work on their cars. So, I stopped bugging him about it and, about 2 years ago, I had pretty much written that poor car off as a loss. Having it now is strange.

Usually, when he’s done fixing or doing something to my truck, Bear, he likes a total progress report of how the vehicle is running afterward. I thought he would want to know the same for Breeze. My mistake.

I told him, “When you turn on the headlights, the dashboard lights go out. But, when the parking lights are on, the dashboard lights work just fine.” (Also, after further investigation Sunday night, the tail lights aren’t working either, but the brake lights do. I didn’t bother to tell him about that, but I will have to do something about it if I want to drive the car at night…)

“What do you mean?”

“Ummm. When you turn the knob on the steering column to the ‘Headlights On’ position, the lights behind all the gauges go out completely. But if you just leave the knob in the ‘Parking Lights’ position, the lights show up behind the gauges just fine.” At this point, on this topic, I was starting to get irritated so I spoke very slowly and clearly. I was frustrated that he was being so dense.

“Was that a problem before you gave me the car to fix?”

“I don’t think so. I’m giving you a status report on the car after I’d had a chance to drive it a couple of days. I’m not complaining or anything, I’m just telling you what’s going on with it. That’s what we usually do with Bear when you fix him.”

“Well, if it’s something that was broken before you gave it to me, then I won’t be able to fix it for you.”

WTF? I thought. Is he cutting me off because we had a disagreement?!? “Okay. I got it.”

Then, like a dumbass, I asked him if we were going to reschedule our sk8-venture this fall since the one we had already planned was cancelled. Loverman said, “I thought we weren’t doing that now.”

Youre-a-dumbass

I was confused and didn’t know what to say to that, but I didn’t want to NOT say anything either. “I thought we were going to reschedule a new one. We just haven’t had time to talk about it. It has been over 3 weeks since we’ve had the chance to sit down and plan something out.”

“Yeah. Huh.” Was all he said in response.

“So, do you think you could say ‘Yes’ to me about this coming Tuesday? Maybe we can figure things out then.” (remember, this is before Mr. AM emailed me Monday morning)

“What do you mean ‘Yes to this coming Tuesday’?” He asked.

“You know, our regular Tuesday Date Night? We haven’t been together for a long time. I think it would be really nice if we both had something to look forward to.”

“I don’t know. I will have to let you know Monday.” (he didn’t, by the way. Hence the plans with Mr. AM.)

Near the end of our conversation, we were talking about something else and he called one of his “friends” dumbass. He refers to her as that frequently, he also calls his wife that and two of his other friends. I get that he’s joking, but he calls them that so often, sometimes I can’t figure out who he’s talking about. He sure has a lot of dumbasses in his life!

After he was done telling me his story, I made the mistake of asking him if he ever calls ME dumbass when he’s talking to his friends. “No, I call you by your name when I talk about you. Why would you think I call you dumbass?”

“Because you call all your other friends dumbass when we’re talking. I was just wondering…”

More awkward silence.

I asked him to be sure to let me know about date night sometime on Monday so I would be able to pack a bag. He agreed. The conversation ended uncomfortably.

Sunday we didn’t talk/text at all.

Monday morning at 8:15, I sent him my usual “At work safe” text. I asked if he was feeling better and said to have a good day. I didn’t mention date night at all.

When I didn’t receive a response, I decided to say “Yes” to Mr. AM.

Loverman finally responded at 2:30 yesterday (Monday) afternoon with, “Thank you for letting me know you are at work safe. I will check Breeze out.” He sent it twice.

I sent him one more text, at 9:49, before I went to bed that said, “I hope you are feeling better. Have a good night.”

I haven’t heard back from him since. I hope he’s okay and that he’s just sulking and have a huge pity-me party on Facebook.

But I think that’s the last thing I will do to initiate contact with him. If he wants to talk to me, he can reach out to me.

I don’t feel like chasing him down this time.

Chasing Rainbows by MrsFrenchFry
Chasing Rainbows
by MrsFrenchFry

Related Posts:

Stalemate

Stalemate

Stalemate

After minimal-to-no communication from Loverman this week, I am about to go insane!

Even with my Mr. Ashley Madison distraction, I am still missing my sexy Loverman. He’s like my very worst addiction *sigh*

This song keeps repeating over and over in my head. I wish I could sing it to him…

♫ …Give me something that I can believe in
Give me something. I will wait.

But if you give me nothing
I can’t help feeling I’m in stalemate with you… ♫

Stalemate
by Joss Stone, feat. Jamie Hartman

Did I let you down?
No
Did I give you up?
No

So what’s it all about
Now?
Was it not enough?
No, no, no

It’s alright, yeah
It’s okay, yeah
It’s alright with me

I’ll be fine, yeah
I don’t mind, yeah
I’ll pretend at least

But if you give me something
That I believe in
Give me something
I will wait

But if you give me nothing
I can’t help feeling
I’m in stalemate with you
Stalemate with you

Used to pick me up
Yeah
Like a sunken
Pill

And I’ve been thinkin’ it
Through
‘Cuz we worked so
Well

But it feels wrong, yeah
When I’m strung along, yeah
Strung along by you

And the words you say, yeah
Just to get your way, yeah
Well, they just won’t do
You got to

Give me something
That I believe in
Give me something
And I will wait

But if you give me nothing
I can’t help feeling
I’m in stalemate with you, oh, I’m in stalemate
Oh, I’m in stalemate, pretty baby
(Stalemate with you)

I need more, I need more
What are you waiting for?
It’s so frustrating
(So frustrating, baby)
You got to

I’m so frustrated with your love
What you do to me
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah
Hey
You got me in stalemate

Give me something
That I believe in…

Lost In Discovery…

Lost In Discovery…

It’s so simple

I crave intimacy

Intimacy

I want someone to hold my hand

To support me when I need it most

To fix the water heater when it’s broken down

To kiss me before bed

To kiss me when I wake

To cuddle up to after a bad dream

To make love to me in the front seat of my car

Or the shower, or the movie theater, or in my bed

Anywhere. Anytime.

I want someone who enjoys the same things as me

Someone who knows what I mean when I can’t make the words come out right

When I got married, I was too young to know any of these things

How I wanted my relationship to be

How I needed my husband to be

What intimacy was

Now that I know

I am lost in discovery…

Do you expect honesty?

Do you expect honesty?

This lovely post ❤ by The Woman Invisible got me to thinking about affairs and trust and how I cannot be trusted. Not even by Loverman.

… … … … … …

I don’t expect honesty from Loverman, he just gives it to me (I think…). I have no reason to believe that he has lied to me or cheated on me, but if he did I don’t think I would be able to say anything… We have had a lot of talks about jealousy. He has a huge green monster lurking inside of him that he denies. Every girl he has been with, has cheated on him — to the point where he actually caught all of them in the act. I believe him. There’s no reason for me not to.

However, in regards to trusting me… There was a 4-month period when Loverman refused to talk to me; he wouldn’t return my calls or respond to emails, voicemails or texts. It was after we had only been together for about 16 months – almost 6 years ago now… I was an absolute mess; completely attached to him and feeling abandoned by the side of the road. I was trying to hook-up with strangers on Craig’s List and Ashley Madison; I was going out to bars and getting drunk, trying to get someone to fuck me. I ended up with 1 one-night-stand and a FWB situation that did not turn out well. I know that this is the kind of person that I am…

I am not trying to justify my cheating behavior, but I am saying that (in my case) there is truth to the statement “once a cheater, always a cheater”. Even now, when I think about fucking around I am doing it to get back at my husband and parents. I don’t want to hurt Loverman, but I want to hurt the hell out of my husband and I want to disappoint the hell out of my parents.

When I read it here, it sounds insane…