Smitten with Him

grown-up stuff happens here sometimes

The Littlest Things Are Sometimes the Sweetest

ForeheadKisseThe other night when we were making love, I was laying on my side and Loverman leaned over and kissed me tenderly on the forehead.

It was such a small thing, yet so very sweet…

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Conflicted

Make A Choice

Loverman has a weird pain in his leg for over a week now. When he describes it, it sounds like the symptoms I had when I had a blood clot in my left calf, but he won’t go to the doctor to get it checked out.

We just texted about it this morning.

Loverman Leg Pain

Last night he sat out from skating. I asked him to remember how he felt when he found out about my blood clot and what could have happened to me. He understood, but only a little because he still hasn’t made that doctor’s appointment. Even after I told him that I would help him pay for the appointment and go with him for moral support, he only told me that he would think about it.

On a conflicting note, two different guys have been bugging me to go out with them. Like, seriously. Both of them are very cute and very successful and they both have enough money to actually buy me things and take me places… They also take fairly good care of their bodies and totally look like it! One is the attorney-man, Brent, and the other is a gentleman that I met roller skating about 6 months ago. Last Saturday he told me that he really liked me and wanted to take me out to dinner.

Mr. Doom-n-Gloom is still not noticing anything about me. Ever. He only talks to me when he needs me to do something for him.

Neither my shitty husband, nor my incredible Loverman care enough about their bodies to take care of themselves. I hate watching them be miserable and in pain when I am constantly trying to help them get better.

I finally gave up on Mr. Doom-n-Gloom because he knows exactly what he needs to do/eat in regards to his chronic kidney disease/insanely high blood pressure; his doctor has given him written instructions on what to eat and exercises that he can do. I even found him a support group, but he refuses to join because they’re all probably too old and he wouldn’t like it. He simply refuses to do what he’s supposed to do to get/feel better! His kidneys are currently functioning at 42% and that’s good enough for him. He’s dreadfully overweight and refuses to exercise because it hurts too much (agreed, but I told him that he can start slow. Exercise hurt me, too, before I got fit! Also, cutting out the soda pop and kool-aid would really help him shed pounds fast! But he refuses to listen!) He takes his prescriptions and that’s about it.

high-low_bpConversely, Loverman has heart disease, high cholesterol and dangerously low blood pressure (except he doesn’t take any meds to maintain). Pounds are practically falling off of him because he only eats one meal a day — and it’s small and full of unhealthy-ness. He knows that he needs to eat fruits and veggies and healthy things (i.e. oatmeal) for his heart to work more easily, but he doesn’t think he will like the way it tastes so he turns up his nose at pretty much everything without even trying it. I am an AWESOME cook and I make awesomely healthy food: even Thing #1 will eat most everything I cook as long as it doesn’t have tomatoes or pickles (except pizza — pizza can have tomatoes), and she’s almost as picky as Loverman!

It’s so hard to watch someone you love let themselves waste away, knowing that they have the power to make it better.

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Loverman’s Wife (aka Diva)…

…is a 48-year-old “woman” who…diva

…hasn’t paid the mortgage on her house in over 9 months. Her house is in her name and her name only. When Loverman asked her about the foreclosure letters that came in the mail last month she told him it wasn’t any of his business and that she’s a grown woman and can take care of herself.

…hasn’t paid the cable or internet bill in over 3 months and now both have been disconnected. These are also responsibilities that she has taken upon herself and refuses to let Loverman help out with.

…has a 13-year-old son and has no idea who the baby-daddy is.

…does not make her 13-year-old son go to school. EVER!!! This is the second year now that boy has not been MADE to go to school. Last year (2012-2013) her son didn’t attend even one single day of school between the months of October and February. That boy had to attend summer school in order to move up to the next grade and was told that if he pulled that stunt again next year (right now) he would be held back a year with NO chance to make up time in summer school. Period. This year, Diva’s son went to school September through the end of October and has not attended a single day since. When Loverman tries to talk to Diva’s son about how important an education is, Diva tells Loverman to mind his own business.

…does not buy any groceries for her 13-year-old son and leaves him alone for 4-6 days at a time. When Loverman asks if he can help, again Diva tells him that her son isn’t HIS son and to mind his own business. When she finally does come home, she spoils her son with fast food and video games (which he can’t play because their internet has been shut off for nonpayment)… and then takes off for another week.

…goes out clubbing on those 4-6 nights a week and posts pictures every single time on her Facebook page (she posts them publicly, like an idiot, so I can see everything she does *leSigh*). Very young boys men come to her house at all hours of the day and night to hang out with her in her bedroom and take her to clubs. If they see Loverman working on a car in front of the house, they make a u-turn in the street and drive away. 5 minutes later, Diva is rocking her clubbing outfit and getting in her car to drive away.

diva flower

Loverman has nowhere to go. He doesn’t have enough money to get himself his own place and is just keeping his stuff at Diva’s house until the bank forecloses on it and kicks them both out. Then, he and I will have some serious financial juggling and life adjusting to do. She will probably lose her house about the same time this year as I decide to send Mr. Gloom-n-Doom packing — we always have weird coincidences like that.

I don’t like to talk about Loverman’s wife. That’s why you haven’t heard any of this before. She totally pisses me off! But I think you should at least know what I know about her.

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My Mini-Vacation with Loverman

Our entire trip was lovely. Uneventful, but lovely. My wonderful Aunt Flo came to visit Monday afternoon, which pretty much prevented any kind of sex fest that we may have had. Loverman is always talking about how our relationship isn’t about sex. I completely concur, every single time, but I think that both of us were hoping for more than a little nookie during our mini-vacation. Which is about all there was…

We left Tuesday afternoon, about 2 hours after I wanted to. That didn’t upset me, though. I know Loverman. Two hours late is actually really good for him 😉

Before we took off on our drive, we stopped at the grocery store and the liquor store. Last year when we went, we bought the groceries after we got there. I think it saved us about $20 to shop and then go. Every little bit counts, right?

Our room was a cute little cottage with a great view! It was very, very little but it had everything we needed. It was only going to be 2 nights; it’s not like we needed that much room anyway.

I wish my phone camera was better. In the distance you can barely see the Stanley Hotel. I drew a lightning bolt at it 🙂 (We could see it much better in person. lol!)

Once our things were unpacked and we had mostly settled in, we found our Shark Tank reruns on CNBC and sat down to eat dinner. Like I said things were lovely but uneventful. Nothing even happened the first night, except that we went to bed peacefully together and had a wonderful night’s sleep.

Wednesday morning started at about 7:30 when I woke him up my favorite way…

This might sound funny, but I love going down on him first thing in the morning when I haven’t put my teeth in yet. I love the feel of his cock filling my mouth and the control I have while he’s still emerging from his dream fog — he moves his hips into me just a little bit more and his skin gets goosebumps when I touch him. He quivers as I run my fingers down his body because he isn’t aware enough to control it. Plus, watching and feeling Coconut grow and emerge from his warm, cozy nest fascinates me. Every. Single. Time.

He squirmed underneath me and muttered his sweet, dirty nothings to me. I hummed as I licked and sucked and gently bobbed up and down on him, massaging his balls softly with my fingertips and then my tongue. His sex tasted so good in my mouth, I wanted to do nothing more at that moment than feel my sexy Loverman overtaken by the pleasures of my mouth.

Our shower afterward was sexy, too. We washed each others’ bodies all over, made sure to get our backs very well (as you probably already know, the middle of one’s back is very difficult to clean thoroughly without help 😉 ), and then stepped out into our tiny quaint kitchen to eat our breakfasts: Loverman had sausage croissant sandwiches and I had yogurt and fruit.

After breakfast, at about 11AM, we wandered over to the main building/lobby to explore and see if they had anything fun to do. Neither one of us brought our swim suits, so going to the hot tub was out of the question — at least during the day! (Also, while we were outside taking pictures, a family with two small children went in — that would probably have ruined our ‘fun in the sun’ anyway.)

There was a pool table in a study room off of the main lobby and Loverman asked, “Do you know how to play pool?”

“I know how to play, execution is my issue ,” and then I winked at him. “How about you?”

“About the same. When I used to play with my brothers I would lose every time. I always hit the 8 ball in too soon.” He racked up the balls and I grabbed a stick and chalked it.

My first break was absolute crap! I barely nicked the cue ball and it hit exactly two balls. We both laughed our asses of and Loverman asked, “What the hell was that?”

“Hey! It’s been a long time since I’ve done this. I don’t have a pool table in my living room or anything!”

We had so much fun while we played 4 games of “regular” pool and one game of 8-ball (or at least my interpretation of it 🙂 ). Loverman says I “won” all of them but, truth be told, we tied 2/2 in “regular” pool and he kicked my ass at 8-ball.

For lunch we shared a microwave fried chicken Hungry Man meal and I had some fresh veggies. Also, we had about 3 shots of tequila. Each.

I can’t remember exactly how it happened, but we had some music on and I was sexy-dancing in front of Loverman. I think it was probably more silly dancing than sexy, but I was having fun and he was too! He leaned in close to me, allowing me to unbuckle his pants, and while I moved the coffee table from in front of the loveseat/hide-a-bed, he removed his jeans and sat down on the couch.

His erection was pointing directly at me as I slowly twirled my way back over to Loverman. Pulling my sweater dress up over my shoulders revealed to him that I had not been wearing panties the entire time we were exploring and playing pool earlier. I saw his dick stiffen even more and salute me. “Ohhhhh,” he sighed, “You are a bad girl. You definitely need a spanking. Turn around and show me that ass!”

I did as he said. He smacked both sides. Twice. Each time harder than the last, but he knows me well and made sure to punish each cheek equally. I could feel them heating up as they turned pink, but he didn’t smack me hard enough to make it red. Maybe later…

My Devil TattooI’m not into punishment sex; neither is Loverman. Him smacking my ass (and about once a year, I will tie him up and blindfold him 😉 ) is really as far as it ever goes; I’m good with that. It feels awesome when he’s smacking my ass, telling me how sweet it is. How tender and juicy and smackable it is. Mmmm…! (and Hello Kitty is there waving at him every time!)

I turned around to face him and lowered myself to kneel in front of him. His gorgeous penis swelled in front of me, urging me to kiss it. I took him sweetly into my mouth again, but only for a few kisses before I climbed up onto the couch and mounted my sexy Loverman.

It ended with both of us sweaty, laying tangled together on the scratchy carpet. We were sexy, messy and smelly; badly in need of another sexy shower.

I could barely get up from the floor, even just to crawl to the bathroom. Every part of my body was tingling. After my first attempt to get up, Loverman took his time toweling us both off and then helped me get to me feet. In the tiny cozy bathroom, he lowered the toilet lid, put a soft, dry towel down as a cushion, and then plopped my butt down (gently, he’s so sweet to me!). It was a very warm bath. He likes the water too hot! He added some bubbles and then he added me. We lavished in the hot bubbles for long enough to feel like noodles and then Loverman helped me out of the tub and, basically, slid me into the bed. He slid in next to me and curled his entire body up against mine and we drifted off…

I slept for about an hour, but Loverman was really tired and he slept for about 3 (see: Sunday Science). When I woke up I read a couple of chapters of Carter Beats the Devil and waited patiently for him to wake up.

Now, for something different…

After Loverman woke up and as we were getting ready to go out for our “nice dinner” (we got a gift certificate for dinner with the Groupon that I purchased) I got a call from Thing #1. She told me that she and her father, Mr. Doom-n-Gloom, had just gotten into three fights and she was pretty sure that she had won the last two.

We talked for a while and she explained to me that, in the first fight, she lost her temper with Doom-n-Gloom and yelled at him for eavesdropping on a conversation she was having with her sister, behind their closed bedroom door (when Loverman and I were talking about it later, he says that Thing #1 was set up by Doom-n-Gloom and Thing #2).

What Thing #1 thinks is that her father doesn’t love her. She was talking about it with her sister when Doom-n-Gloom bursts in and starts throwing out accusations and mean words at her! Totally disrespecting both of their privacy and feelings.

She told me that, eventually, she asked him to leave her alone because she didn’t want to say any more hurtful things. Apparently, he stomped to his room and slammed the door (his go-to, mature way of dealing with conflict). About 10 minutes later he came out of his bedroom to start it again with her.

Thing #1 shut him down by telling him that she didn’t want to fight with him. That she had cleaned her mess up from the kitchen and that she just wanted Doom-n-Gloom to leave her alone and stop saying such mean things. However, Doom-n-Gloom loves the opportunities to twist the knife and he could see that she was hurting so he said, “I don’t trust you any more because you betrayed me.”

“What are you talking about, Dad?”

“You wanted to send me back to my parents in MN two years ago when I got out of the hospital. Also, you told your mother about the time I said to you ‘I am probably going to die before you graduate’ — I told you that in confidence.”

“I was 16 when you told me that, dad. Did you think that telling me that was going to make me your friend?!

“You lied to your mother and I that one time you skipped school (that was also two years ago — and she hasn’t lied to us since! *I* trust her!) and I still don’t trust you from that.”

Thing #1 told me that it went on like that for a while. She cried and he kept saying mean things while she remained calm, just teary-eyed.

He left once again to leave and slam the door a second time, only to come out yet again to continue his barrage of mean and hateful comments. At this point, Thing #1 was immune to the hurtful things he was spewing at her and Thing #2 has actually come out of their room to ask her father to stop being so mean.

I know that this account of events is fairly accurate (yes, or course it’s a bit dramatized… It’s heresay) — I know because I have seen the way Doom-n-Gloom treats her when I’m actually there witnessing it!

This all happened in the one singular hour immediately after Thing #1 arrived home from school/work. My talk with her took another hour. At the end, it was almost 7PM and neither Loverman nor myself were in the mood to go out to dinner any more.

Needless to say, that entire conversation/ordeal kind of put a damper on the rest of Wednesday night for us. Instead of going out to dinner, we stayed in and ate Pringles, drank our bottle of Moscato and watched movies: My Blue Heaven and The Hulk.

Loverman had never seen My Blue Heaven (I was glad I brought it) and he likes Steve Martin so we enjoyed that one, but neither of us really liked The Hulk. Basically, it was way too long and the only parts I truly enjoyed were the parts with Sam Elliott.

We climbed into bed around midnight but I could not fall asleep. Probably because of the nap I took earlier that day. Loverman is always so tired because he sleeps in his truck or on his friend’s couch most days; he fell asleep almost immediately. I like to let him sleep and try not to bother him when he is. I think I finally fell asleep around 3 or 4 in the morning, but I laid next to him the entire time listening to his breathing and the music streaming from my MP3 player.

I started the next morning on a bad note.

It’s because of my stupid period and how it happens every single time we have something special going on. My cycle is very regular — until I have something planned. Argh! And Loverman doesn’t like having sex when I’m bleeding all over the place (I understand. Kind of… Hmmmm… Not really…).

Once I heard Loverman rustling around and I knew he was actually waking up, I crawled back into bed and started kissing on his chest and his neck (but I didn’t go down on him, my teeth were in and I wanted a “back rub”. I kind of wanted him to ‘take initiative’ this time). I looked up at him and asked, “Can I get one of your special back rubs this morning?… And stuff?” then went back to kissing his neck and earlobes while I waited for his response.

Loverman said drowsily, “I can give you a back rub, but I don’t think we have time for ‘stuff’.” My bitchy self didn’t like his answer because SHE heard, “Baby, you’re nasty!”

I got up out of bed, because I felt rebuked (I wasn’t, that’s just how I felt), started putting on my underwear and said, “That’s okay. I’ll start breakfast.”

The morning was a little strained, but we checked out at 10AM as planned and played a few more games of pool before we left. This time, he won all 4 games — a shutout. But he will tell you that I cheated, if you ask him.

Fishing Pond ParkWe explored the scenic, historic downtown for about and hour and then had lunch. It was nice sitting with him, comfortable, filled with joy and satisfaction and peace.

Our drive back to “the city” took about 2 hours as we drove through the flood damage from last fall. We took different ways there and back. I wish I had taken some pictures on our way up, but here are a couple from our drive back down:

Flood Damage 1

Flood Damage 2We listened to CDs and rode in peace most of the way down.

It was a fun and relaxing time with Loverman, and later that night, after our mini-vacation was officially over, we got to go skating together.

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Next Week’s Mini-Vacation

We’re going on a trip together next week! Not a sk8-venture or anything fancy like that, but we are going to use the Groupon that I got Loverman for his birthday.

I am SO excited (and definitely ready)!!! We leave next Tuesday around noon, and we’ll be back sometime Thursday after lunch. We’re not going very far (see: Historic Crag’s Lodge). In fact, we will only be about an hour and a half away, but we will be in solitude with ourselves. Last year we did the same thing and it was wonderful! The only thing wrong was that it didn’t last longer.

0327131455I am grateful every single day that I have my sweet Loverman to help me break through the monotony of existence. He brings joy to everything we do together — and he would argue by saying, “That’s all you, baby.”

To peace, love and joy! Cheers!

flourish

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Boring…

I feel like I used to have a lot to say here and, as time goes on, it seems like I have less and less to tell you about. There are weeks where I think there are a lot of things to share and there are weeks when even *I* bore myself… Blogs are supposed to have structure, and I have tried that, but do journals require the same kind of structure?

I’m not boring in real life. Really. But you can’t always put everything from real life into words.

bored-spot-bored-944713_500_416Is it because I have reached some kind of apex, wall, plateau, if you will?

I feel like my life is changing. Maybe that’s it. Maybe I think the parts that I want to share now are not necessarily the parts that you are waiting for me to write about (but I don’t want to start another blog. Been there, done that). I’m not entirely sure why I’m worried about it or even what I’m worried about… But now that I think of it, it has been a long time since I’ve written something sexy — and it isn’t because I haven’t been inspired, I just don’t feel the need to put it in words. Or maybe I can’t find the right words to use…

Recently I’ve been more focused on losing my pesky, squishy belly-fat and attempting to learn how to run outside (treadmill is a piece of cake). I’ve been counting calories and adding new exercises (lots of times unsuccessfully), adding new vitamins, trying desperately to add more protein to my diet (again, mostly unsuccessfully), dealing with peri-menopause, trying not to kill the roommate-husband (at least he stays out of my way — but still treats me like shit *sigh*). Basically, I’m lost in the the midst of changing into a middle-aged woman!

Menopause increases belly fat but no overall weight gain.

Menopause increases belly fat but no overall weight gain 😦

It might be more juicy interesting, but I don’t like talking about the husband here because I am trying to focus on the good things in my life. I am trying to look for things that uplift me; things that make me happy and bring me joy. Mr. Gloom-n-Doom is not (can you tell by the pseudonym?) one of those things. And it doesn’t matter anyway, he won’t exist in my world much longer; maybe another year. Tops… Then I will probably have plenty to share with you about his incompetence, rudeness and just plain ineptitude.

OR the Ongoing Adventures of Loverman and Mamacita will just get that much better!

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Loverman’s Birthday…

…wasn’t very special.

Or maybe it was…

Happy-Birthday-SEXY

Every year, Loverman tells me that he’s not going to celebrate his birthday. He says that he’s going to drive off into the sunset and ignore everyone and everything for that full day. I think he says it because he likes watching me get all worked up about it. He knows that I really like celebrating his birthday with him.

I think there is only one time when we actually got to spend his actual birthday day together. Not that it really matters. No matter what, I always try to be the first one to wish him a happy day (I really try to be that person every day…). This year, I got him (us, really 😉 ) a two-night stay in Estes Park at the “Historic Crags Lodge(I *heart* Groupon!).

However, that is not where we went last night. Last night was just a lovely stay up in Blackhawk at one of our favorite casinos (favorite = they send him free night coupons). We went to the bar where we usually hang out to see “our” bartender, but he wasn’t working. In fact, he hasn’t been working the last couple of times we were there. But that’s off-topic…

Last night was sweet and awesome. Loverman has been sick since last Friday and he was losing his voice, so I knew that there would be little-to-no chance of hanky panky. That was okay, though, it was his birthday celebration and he has always maintained that we don’t have to have sex every night we’re together.

For the record, I like having sex with him and we don’t get to do it very often. That’s why I want to do it so much when we are together!! This morning I explained to him that I like the extra-special closeness I feel when he’s inside of me. It’s like rolling out the red carpet. His response was, “More like the wet carpet!!!” He’s so silly…

I went into last night with no expectations of anything (except fun). For a while, during our drive up, he was a little ornery. But, he had just talked to one of his older brothers before he picked me up. Once he “settled down”, things went very nicely and after having a couple cocktails we were both ready to climb into bed and fall asleep together.

And that’s all we did…

Sleeping Couple by Ivan Koulakov - 2007

Sleeping Couple
by Ivan Koulakov – 2007

…and it was perfect.

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I HATE Being a Girl!!

BlameItOnYourPeriodI don’t want to get a sex change or anything. I am just saying that maybe if I had been born a boy it wouldn’t have been so bad.

I wish I knew what it was like to be a boy so I could compare.

Girls have all of these stupid, tangled emotions that get in the way. They’re impossible to sort out and sometimes the very worst ones come at the most inopportune times.

I can’t fucking shut off my damn brain! I just want to stop thinking. But no matter how hard I try, thoughts keep slipping in.

Like: why did I feel so disappointed this morning? I write here trying to figure out the answer to that very simple question.

Maybe it was because today was the first time in ever that Loverman didn’t get me off. I’m not sure I got off last night either… But, last night was about him. It was my time to worship him because he has been taking such good care of me lately.

We didn’t take a shower together like we always do. I showered alone. He hadn’t slept well the day before (he works 3rd shift and went to a friend’s house to work on their car and get a short nap) and then he said he didn’t sleep well last night, so he took the opportunity to sleep in while I was cleaning up and getting ready for work.

When he dropped me off this morning, I had spent our entire waking morning together crying on his shoulder. Not the weeping, sobbing kind. It was the kind where tears just keep rolling out of my eyes no matter how hard I try and stop them. He didn’t ask me to stop. He just let me do it. I’m pretty sure that he was uncomfortable because he was sitting next to a crying girl, but he let me cry and then gave me beautiful, sweet huggs and kisses when he dropped me off at work.

You should see me right now, sitting at my desk, all pathetic and fighting back the inescapable tears. Getting frustrated with myself for getting ‘so emotional’ that have to try even harder to hold back the tears.

I’m not really this upset that I didn’t have an orgasm, am I? My period just ended, is that it? I have been doing some deep de-tox treatments on my belly, could that be causing my emotions to spiral out of control? Is it stupid peri-menopause? I’m there: night sweats, hot flashes, apparently violent moods and depression now, too… My period was two weeks late — maybe it’s the extra 14 days of build-up…

Connection Lost by ookami-zone on DeviantArt

Connection Lost
by ookami-zone on DeviantArt

I think part of it is because we didn’t get to see each other last week, so I didn’t get my usual “fix”. The more time we spend together, the more I miss him when he’s gone (Distance) and we have been spending a more-than-normal amount of time together lately. This week I craved his closeness so much and I guess last night/this morning I didn’t get enough to get me “over the hump” (pardon the pun). Could it be that I am simply missing the connection that we usually make? Hopefully skating with him tonight will help…

Loverman has been so good to me for the last few weeks. I can’t even begin to enumerate his wonderfulness here, but most of it has to do with his incredible patience with me and the fact that my truck, Bear, has been going completely insane! Maybe I am upset because I am feeling like I am not meeting his needs — a personal feeling of inadequacy, he has never said such a thing. He tells me quite frequently how well I take care of him…

I have a better relationship with my OM than most of my friends have with their actual spouses and here I am trying not to cry about it?! WTF? It doesn’t seem like I really have anything to cry about…

Skating tonight will help….

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Last Night’s “Good Night” Texts

Loverman is so sweet:Cold Cold Hearts

I’ve been here at work and safe. I blank you (because we don’t say “love”, we just say “blank”) so much because I know you better and that makes me better. We had this guy that had a seizure at work last Friday…

…His roommate stated that he is in ICU and not looking good. He also had a stroke. I looked at the video and did not like what I saw. No quick response…

…from Security staff or Event service staff. I’m mad at our team for not responding quickly to the scene. He is a nice guy and I hope he will pull out of it…

…It truly made me think of you. Hope you have a good night, sweetie!

I occasionally have seizures. I have mentioned it here a few times. It’s not epilepsy because I started having them when I was an adult. It’s been over 3 years since I had my last seizure and I think I’m done. Doctors, 4 different Neurologists, ran all sorts of tests on me and none of them could figure out what was causing them.

Well… I stopped doing meth 6 years ago and I had all my rotten teeth removed two years ago… *I* think that it was all the bad shit I was putting into my body that was causing the seizures (rotten teeth counts as bad shit)!

Long story short… Loverman was the one that was there for me for my last two seizures, so this is a subject that hits kind of close to home for him.

The first time he ever experienced a seizure, he was laying in bed next to me. We were asleep and he says I started rusting around in the bed and then I just started convulsing. There was nothing he could do but wait and be scared (because what was he going to tell people?!? We’re having a freaking affair!). He woke me up when it was over and told me what had happened. I argued with him because I didn’t “feel” like I had a seizure — 2 hours later my tongue started swelling up in my mouth and I could barely talk. That’s when I started believing what he told me… but I didn’t have to go to the hospital for that one and there was no memory loss… THAT part is strange — usually I am very foggy after a seizure. Maybe because I was asleep when it happened…

The next time (and my last seizure), we were working at the hotel together and I had one while I was at the front desk. It was 3rd shift and Loverman was the first responder for that one, too. He waited with me until the ambulance came. I can’t remember any of it. I can only remember waking up at the hospital thinking “What the fuck is going on?” and probably looking scared as hell. The nurse waiting for me to wake up told me what happened and then she said, “Check your phone. Someone from your job called and told us to have you check your phone.”

Loverman had sent me a text explaining what had happened at work and it also said he would be at the hospital to pick me up and bring me home as soon as he finished up with his reports for the night.

He is such a wonderful, thoughtful man and I am so glad I was lucky enough to find him!

nature_heart_by_kara_a-d6eg3z4

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Fantasies, Part 2

DavidBoreanaz

David Boreanaz is a pre-Loverman fantasy of mine.
I found this pic yesterday. Mmmmm!!!

You know, Loverman and I can talk to each other about almost anything. But, lately I find myself reverting back to my old pre-Colorado self — the me that is more reserved and afraid of what others are thinking; the me that doesn’t want to or know how to say what’s on her mind. On good days it’s just a slight uphill battle, but recently (like the past 6 months) I really seem to be sliding back to the old “ways”.

Even though we have a “date night” practically every week, I see that as our “sex night”, too. Loverman not so much… He has told me a few times in the past, that with us it’s not about sex and he likes that; he can just be with me or we can just be together and that’s all right. I don’t disagree, I just like having sex with him (A LOT!!!). And that’s what I told him last night.

I don’t want to be shallow, but the nights I spend with him are special nights because we don’t get to be together that often. Re-connecting with him on an intimate and sexual level does exactly that — reconnect us. It’s like when the seam on your pants starts coming loose and, the looser it gets, the easier it is to unravel the entire cuff. Does that make sense? When we’re intimate, it’s like mending the frayed edges… That’s important to me

Anyways… I didn’t tell Loverman about my security-/police-man fantasy. I totally intended to, but there didn’t seem to be a good time as I was “freaking out” and being totally unsexy. Our intimacy level has changed and I am a little worried that we’re getting to that comfortable place of complacence and apathy. That’s exactly what I am trying to avoid with Loverman and that’s why I was upset a little last night.

When our affair first started, neither of us was getting any attention from our spouses and we both needed someone to fill in that emptiness. It was like: he would get into the shower with his wife and she would say, “What are you doing in here? This is my shower.” With my husband, intimacy was always kind of an issue: there wasn’t any unless I initiated it. One day I stopped asking because it didn’t fulfill my need for intimacy and the sex wasn’t good enough for me to actually want to work that hard for it any more. Mr. Doom-n-Gloom hasn’t mentioned it once. It didn’t even phase him when I started permanently sleeping on the family room couch and eventually moved my dresser and all my things in there.

I think it was inevitable that Loverman and I would get more involved with each other than just sex (seriously, we have too many obscure things in common; like roller skating and going to the junk yard. Why wouldn’t our relationship evolve?!?!), but it never occurred to me that our level of comfort with each other would ever change our level of intimacy with each other. That’s the issue I was struggling with last night when I was laying next to him in bed, both of us naked. I was stroking his lovely and wonderful Coconut, trying to get some action going, and there was no sexual response from him. There was seriously nothing. So I asked him if I was doing something wrong.

T___Sunrise by Ludi Price on Deviantart

T___Sunrise
by Ludi Price on Deviantart

“Mamacita. You know how we talked before about how, with us, it’s not always about sex and that I am comfortable just laying next to you in bed and falling asleep?”

“Yes, baby, and if we got to spend more time together I would totally feel the same way. But, I really like having sex with you and I mostly never get to do it. It makes me feel better and re-connected. You help me re-charge my battery. And you feel sooooo good! Tonight I’ve tried several times (with kissing and the things I was doing to him in the shower…) and the stuff that usually works isn’t doing anything for you. Yesterday you told me that Coconut was up thinking about me all night. What happened? Are you getting sick of me?”

“No, Mama. I am just getting old.”

I called bullshit on him for the “old” comment, and we continued talking for a little while, with me getting progressively more upset (but not a complete freakazoid!) until he told me, “You know, this isn’t helping to get me in the mood. If you know what I’m saying.”

He wasn’t mean or condescending, just matter-of-fact and 100% right! It took a little while for me to stop the waterworks, but I did and the rest of the night went well. Eventually we even made love and, of course, it was beautiful. Maybe it was pity sex, or maybe it was because I talked to him about my feelings. It didn’t feel like pity sex…

Heart DividerTonight would normally be one of our skate nights (I am SO lucky I get to spend as much time with him as I do. I know there are many others out there who spend all too much time pining away for their lovers.), but it was cancelled because there weren’t enough people coming to open the rink. So, I am going to take him out for a decent dinner (not Elway’s or anything that fancy, though) where we can have a couple Margaritas and a nice burger or sandwich. I’ll try again and, hopefully, I will be able to find the right time (aka: muster up enough courage) to actually tell Loverman what I meant to tell him last night!

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