Smitten with Him

grown-up stuff happens here sometimes

You ok?

I went to bed at 6 PM on Wednesday night

To answer your question, I am sick.

I’ve been fighting ***serious*** depression and alcoholism for 5+ years. It’s not getting any better. It gets worse every week… Drinking a literal shit-ton and then passing out is my way of coping. (Example: Last night)

When I told you that I was trying to get my apartment ready for you, and then you told me that you would have to get a hotel or sleep in your car – It was like you didn’t read any of the words I sent. Did you even notice that I was trying? I bought a crate for my dog, put a privacy curtain up over my bedroom doorway and even explained to you that the kittens spend most of their time in Thing #1’s room…

Anyway:

Lovely Molly

I got Molly for me, so I could try and start healing myself. I’m so lost and alone… Molly has helped me lose over 20 pounds – and she gets me outside every single day. Maybe I’m not happy, maybe I haven’t stopped drinking, but she’s helping me. A lot! (Way a lot more than I have been able to help myself!)

I need to get better and I haven’t found a way yet. So far, Molly is the best way that I have found.

Finding the kittens just happened. They belong to Thing #1 🤷‍♀️

Kaska
Lyra

If my having these animals is a problem, please just say it outright. They help me. I am alone and I feel so alone.

Every. Damn. Day…

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Alcoholism Haiku

It’s been a long while, but I wrote a haiku:

Alcoholism is tough

So easy to find

So very many triggers

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Struggling with Self-Love

I need your help…

How does one just start loving themself?

If they don’t already love themself?

My reason for quantifying it like that:
I think it’s hard – for a person who already loves themself, and has always loved themself – to understand or advise on this. I mean, what struggle does that person have to pull from? How can they sympathize? Read the rest of this entry »
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Struggling with Self-Control

Working through my ‘new’ allergies (or whatever-the-fuck-they-are) has made things a bit more challenging than I would prefer.

I guess it serves me right for all those times I thought someone was faking their food allergy.

And trying to keep my drinking in check is barely working at all 😦

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Hysterical Reaction

Three weeks ago my face swelled up from an allergic reaction (or something)

To what? I have no idea. As far as I know, I have no allergies.

So, after a weekend of terrible snowy weather and barely being able to see out of my eye holes, I went to urgent care first thing Monday morning. (looking like I had been in a terrible fight and gotten the shit kicked out of me!!)

The lovely Dr. there wouldn’t help me because the reaction was too severe and my blood test results wouldn’t come back for 2-3 days!!! (urgent care, my ass!)

So, it was off to the hospital with my sorry face…

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Suicidal Tendencies

 

Suicide has always been something my brain tosses about when I get frustrated, but I never really talked to anyone about it because:

Why should they even care?

Everyone has their own shit to deal with.

What can they do to help?

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Addiction

My drinking has gotten completely out of control.patron

I drink in the morning.

I drink in the evening.

With food.

Without food.

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Crazy Times

The last two years have been all over the place.

More bad than good, sadly.

You know, sometimes, no matter how positive you are (or try to be), life is just shit?

I moved across Denver a little over 2 years ago.

A week after that, my car was stolen. Presumably by an ex-boyfriend.

Last summer (2017) I finally lost my real estate accounting job with the crazy girl and the incompetent upper management.

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