Smitten with Him

grown-up stuff happens here sometimes

Just Fucking Tell Me

There was supposed to be a real-life story that goes along with my question, but I just couldn’t articulate it well.

I am so emotionally conflicted about it that I am having a hard time putting it in words. Probably because it hits so close to my heart right now… I’ve tried typing it out and I’ve tried writing it down.

No matter what, I can’t make the story come together congruently. Read the rest of this entry »

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Sk8cation: The Drive Home (Monday and Tuesday)

Click here to read Sunday.

Sk8cationPalm

I wish I could tell you that we drove home in peace. The End.

That’s how I wished it would be.

Truthfully, I think this trip was karma serving me up some of my just desserts. So, I was still trying to roll with it.

For the most part…

It would be over eventually, right? And I was probably learning something…

This last part of the story is going to be difficult to write because there were a lot of my feelings involved and even more talking. Of course you are only going to hear what I remember, which is definitely going to paint me in a better light, but I always try to put this out here as objectively as I can. This journal is something I go back to later in order to see what-the-fuck. It’s important to me that I am as accurate as possible.

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Sk8cation: Sunday

Read about Friday, Saturday Morning and The Rest of Saturday

After Saturday’s skate party was over, our fellow Denver-ite skater friend, Maya, asked for a ride back to our hotel. She wanted to wait in the lobby for her ride back to town and I was happy to oblige. It was nice to have someone else to talk to after skating – someone who has been to one of these things before… The conversation was nice and I learned a lot about the Denver skate drama scene (one thing she told me made me very happy I hadn’t gone to a skate party the year before with a different girl. Whew!).

I had mentioned a few times near the end of the night that I wanted to take a bath – I could feel the soreness in my bones. So, we returned to the hotel and said “Good-bye” to Maya. I told Scorpio he could take the first shower – I didn’t want to get my dirtiness all over the shower before he had a chance to get clean (seriously, that’s how I said it). Also, I wanted to take my time lounging in the hot water. Maybe his germ-o-phobe ass would fall asleep before I crawled into bed like the night before.

He didn’t even suggest that we shower together, he just hopped in the shower and started…. We talked while he was cleaning off – he was telling me what a great time he had, how he had no idea how much fun it would really be and thanking me for “inviting” him! He was downright giddy!

Then, something strange happened. He finished up his shower, dried off and started running a bath for me. I was shocked and all I could think to say was, “Ummm… Thank you for running my bath?”

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Sk8cation: The Rest of Saturday

Read about Friday here

After our wonderfully awkward morning together, Scorpio needed to take a shower (ya think!?). But it wasn’t only because of his little phone sex episode in the bed earlier, it was also the fact that he has to be as germ-free as possible at all times and he had just spent and entire night sleeping across a king-sized bed from my filthy ass. (Can you feel the sarcasm oozing here?) We were going to a free picnic in the park that afternoon and he needed to look his best.

To be honest, I don’t remember what I did while he was taking forever to get ready. It didn’t bug me for the first half of the vacation, but he just takes so long to do everything. I was probably out on the deck again getting high. That’s probably why I don’t remember.

Anyway… The picnic was pretty freaking awesome!!

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An Interesting Development

A couple of weeks ago at Sunday night skating, I was talking to Sexy Skaterman about his on-again-off-again girlfriend, Amy, and mentioned that Loserman and I were no longer ‘seeing’ each other.

We talked about it for a couple of minutes, but I’m not ready to deal with the pain of talking about it, so I said my peace and we went on and skated.

I appreciate that he didn’t take the opportunity to hit on me. It was nice that he just apologized and said, “I don’t think you guys are done yet.” (‘you guys’ = me and Loserman)

But he did end up introducing me to one of his buddies.

Here’s how it went down:

I left the skate session 15 minutes early because the music started getting a little too mushy for me — couples were all skating sexy on the floor… I started to miss stupid Loserman my old skate partner, and I didn’t want to think about it, so I left.

When I got out to the car, I realized that I didn’t have my keys in my jacket pocket.

I started to freak out!

…breathe…

I could see the keys hanging from the ignition. *sigh*

My purse was in the trunk, but I had my cell phone in my pocket. Good thing I have AAA on speed dial…

I called and was told that someone would be out to help me in less than 60 minutes. I was satisfied with that.

While I waited, a few of my friends talked to me and said good-bye. You know, regular stuff.

The parking lot had mostly cleared out and there were only a dozen or so cars scattered around. Skaterman just happened to be parked two spaces away from me with only empty spots between us.

He came out of the rink while I was waiting for the locksmith to arrive, accompanied by a very handsome young man.

I didn’t think anything of it. Skaterman is very friendly and tons of people skate with him and talk with him. He teaches people skate moves. Sometimes he gives people rides.

While we were chatting, I explained what had happened and why I was just standing out in the parking lot waiting at my car. Skaterman laughed because, just that morning, he and his girlfriend had locked themselves out of their car!

After a good laugh about that, Skaterman introduced me to his handsome young friend “Scorpio“.

I had seen Scorpio the last few times I’d been this rink (not my ‘normal’ rink. I started skating somewhere else because I’m sick of everyone asking me where Loserman is). I thought he was totally cute, but very out of my league! That didn’t stop me, though! I would still smile at him when I skated past. That’s just the way I am: I can get a really intense look on my face when I’m skating, so I smile at people so they don’t think I am angry or whatever.

We stood and talked in the parking lot until AAA arrived. The AAA truck drove to someone else’s car, talked to someone else, and then left.

WTF?!?!

I immediately called AAA to tell them that the locksmith had shown up, but talked to someone else. The woman at AAA confirmed that my ticket had been closed.

WTF?!?!

After asking again for them to please help me get into my car, AAA called the locksmith again and asked him to call me and clear things up.

As this is all happening, I realize that this is the first impression Scorpio is getting of me. So, I tried to be my nicest self even though I was standing in the freezing cold: frustrated and shivering (and kind of wishing he would pull me into the giant leather coat he was wearing…).

The locksmith apologized and said he would be back shortly to unlock my car.

The second time we waited in Skaterman’s warmed-up car. We talked more about his girlfriend who broke her wrist skating the week before, and I got to know Scorpio a little better.

We didn’t talk about much else. Skaterman and I did most of the talking while Scorpio sat in the back seat and listened.

Every once in a while, he reached up as he was saying something and touched my shoulder. When he did that I would looked back at him and smile. It was nice and, every time he touched me, I could feel the electricity from him through my heavy winter jacket!

Finally the locksmith arrived a second time. It took him less than 3 minutes to unlock the door, get my information for his paperwork and be on his merry way!

As I said good-bye to him, Scorpio pulled me in close and hugged me tight. Holy Shit! Again with the electricity! Wow! My face was against his neck and took a huge amount of effort on my part not to kiss him right under his ear (that’s my spot – I love kissing there), but I did inhale as much of him as I could 😉 There was palpable energy between us. Before I could pull away from him completely, he started asking me for my number.

We exchanged information, then Skaterman gave me a hug and told me everything would be okay (re: Loserman).

Both of them asked me to send a text letting them know when I made it home safely.

MeetingScorpio1a

The next morning, on my way to work, I got this:

MeetingScorpio1b
Beautiful text. But, ummm… What??? ???

MeetingScorpio1c

I read it to Thing #1 when I got home that night.

Her response was:

Wow, Mom! And you didn’t even have sex with him!

*smh*

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Words About My Weekend

I have all sorts of thoughts racing around in my head. If this is fragmented, I apologize. It’s just my frustrated thoughts.

The trip to my Caregiver last Friday night went much worse than I expected. *sigh*

Like every other time when I go to buy my stuff from her, I gave my Caregiver a hug right away, put my money on the counter, and asked her for what I wanted.

This time she said, “I don’t think so, Hita. Not right now. First I think we need to talk about what’s been going on at work the last couple of weeks. I’m really upset with the way you’ve been treating my daughter .”

The look on her face and the tone in her voice led me to believe that she was going to be cutting me off.

I asked if I could sit down and take off my jacket (I wanted to get comfortable for the rest of my “talking to”, and I also wanted to listen to what she had to say because I really respect this woman). She told me to make myself comfortable and then asked me if I wanted a glass of water.

“No, thank you.” I responded.

Before I went over to her house, I expected that she was going to want to talk with me about how things are going at work; about my interactions with her daughter. I actually wanted to talk to my Caregiver about it and see if there is a different way that I can approach her daughter.

I also hoped that maybe she wanted to hear my side of the story.

She didn’t, at least not until all of the very worst things had been said.

I am an idiot to have thought that initially would want to hear my side of the story. According to her daughter, I had been a complete ogre to her for the last two weeks.

My Caregiver proceeded to stand in front of me and tell me all the things wrong that I had said to her daughter.

The Off-the-Chain-Crazy-Girl that I work with has been lying to people outside of my normal circle (yet whom I still respect) about what I am saying to her. Apparently, I told the Crazy Girl that I don’t want to be best friends any more (???), and I told her she treats me just as badly as she treats her boyfriend (every time he makes her unhappy she threatens to leave him, then she fucks him later to ‘make it right’ – I would be happy if she left me!).

I never said a single one of those things to Crazy Girl.

I guess I make the poor girl cry every single day and now all the people in my office can’t stand being around me because of it. The exact words from my Caregiver’s mouth were, “Nobody in your office likes you right now.”

My heart fell out of my chest onto the floor and I think I stopped breathing. I thought that most of the people I worked with, the 5 agents in the office, liked me just fine. Boss-Lady gave me my annual review just last week and told me that I was doing really well working with the people around me and is proud of my improvement.

In my head, I was ready to put my jacket back on and leave. But, like I said, I respect this woman. She has helped me through some difficult emotional times and I appreciate her straightforward point of view — and I really REALLY wanted to buy my drugs(!!!).

Eventually, after she had broken me down to the point of trembling and barely being able to breathe, she let me defend myself.

I told her that I understood her protecting her daughter and I appreciated it because I have daughters, too.

I explained that I never said those things to her daughter. Not once. Ever.

I said that Crazy Girl has a tendency to take things very personally when I am simply being professional. I explained that I have been a trainer at several of my past jobs and have NEVER had these kinds of problems when I am trying to teach someone something.

It’s like Crazy Girl is holding me responsible because she feels stupid when she finds out how simple the thing was… You know? She even calls herself an idiot after I help her. *I* don’t.

My Caregiver heard everything I had to say and apologized for hurting my feelings and bringing up the whole thing.

But she had to. In order for our relationship to survive, she had to concede a small bit and I had to listen to an hour of slander.

It hurt and I am SO glad that I had today off (Columbus Day, bank holiday).

I don’t think it was a long enough time to erase the hurtful things I heard on Friday night. I will just have to hunker down and work on the budgets and try not to think about the lies that my crazy co-worker is telling about me behind my back. *sigh*

I don’t know how to be anyone else but myself…

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Saturday night, right after I parked my truck at the skating rink, my friend ‘Amy’ knocked on the passenger window and asked if she could get in. She needed to talk.

I unlocked the door. She sat down next to me, closed the door and started to cry.

She told me that, about a month ago she got herself involved with Sexy Skaterman. She had just broken up with him that morning.

It turns out that she couldn’t handle all of his sexy talking to other women (and sexy touching). Even when he told her that he was “just talking to them, baby. It’s nothing.”

Last Thursday night, someone approached Amy and told her that she shouldn’t get involved with Sexy Skaterman because he was a player.

That, along with him touching some other woman all night Friday while they were supposed to be on a date, made her rethink her “relationship” with him! Then, he took her home and acted like it was no big deal.

She couldn’t handle it and broke up with him. She was glad to see that I showed up to go skating Saturday night because she didn’t know if she would have been able to make it by herself.

I had no idea this woman was involved with that asshole.

But, apparently Loverman knew all about it.

And when I told him about it later while we were talking on the phone, Loverman said, “I told you I didn’t like that guy. I know he’s a player. If I ever find out that you slept with him, you will be SO sorry. I get so angry when I see you talking to him.”

First, I guess I’m glad that I didn’t sleep with Skaterman.

Second, I am kind of grateful to see that Loverman is finally claiming some kind of ‘possession’ of me.

Third, what he said really hurt me. I can’t figure out where I am at with Loverman. He’s very jealous and scared that I will fuck someone else, but he practically throws me into their arms with his vocal and blatant lack of trust.

I tried to reassure him by saying, “I’m not going to fuck Skaterman. I know what kind of douchebag he is and I am glad I haven’t fallen under his spell. I just wish that you could hear me when I tell you that my heart is all yours. I wish you could see it. It breaks my heart when you tell me how much I don’t care about you.”

Loverman wouldn’t hear me. He was blinded by jealousy and focused on the fact that he thinks (rather, he knows) I am definitely going to fuck Skaterman (which I am not).

I got upset with him and asked him to change the subject. I told him that it would be a lot easier for me to NOT screw around on him if he wasn’t constantly telling me he knows I’m going to.

When he gets like that I can’t talk to him. He’s completely blinded by jealousy and rage at all of his exes.

But, instead of getting my feathers ruffled this time (because he is partly right about me), I let him be angry with me for potentially cheating on him with someone I didn’t. Even though I could have because Loverman is always telling me I am going to anyway.

I realize the last paragraph was practically unintelligible. I just hope you could understand what I am trying to say…

And I haven’t even had a single drink since the bottle of wine when I got home Friday.

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