Smitten with Him

grown-up stuff happens here sometimes

Killing Me Softly

LilBear

Friday evening, when I got home from work, I was happy that the parking spot next to Breezy was open. I put Lil Bear in his place, grabbed my things and went inside to make dinner.

A friend was coming over at 7pm to eat with us and then give us massages. Because he hadn’t yet been to my new apartment (which I haven’t even told you about yet!), I met him out in the parking lot. I leaned on Lil Bear while I waited for our friend’s arrival.

We ate yummy food together; had our massages… It was a lovely evening.

When our friend left at 10:30, I walked him out and Lil Bear was still in his spot.

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The Last Word, Finally?

ThickSkull

So, after Mick hung up on me Tuesday morning, the thought crossed my mind, “Cool! Now I don’t have to figure out how to break up with him at the end of the month.”

I realize that is a very bitchy thought, but the mother-fucker just hung up on me after telling me he was done. What was I supposed to think? Read the rest of this entry »

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The Empty Boat by Chuang Tzu

copied from The Daily Zen, but I got the idea from a post on Om Swami

destroyed

He who rules men lives in confusion;
He who is ruled by men lives in sorrow.
Yao therefore desired
Neither to influence others
Nor to be influenced by them.
The way to get clear of confusion
And free of sorrow
Is to live with Tao
In the land of the great Void.

If a man is crossing a river
And an empty boat collides with his own skiff,
Even though he be a bad-tempered man
He will not become very angry.
But if he sees a man in the boat,
He will shout at him to steer clear.
If the shout is not heard, he will shout again,
And yet again, and begin cursing.
And all because there is somebody in the boat.
Yet if the boat were empty.
He would not be shouting, and not angry.

If you can empty your own boat
Crossing the river of the world,
No one will oppose you,
No one will seek to harm you.

The straight tree is the first to be cut down,
The spring of clear water is the first to be drained dry.
If you wish to improve your wisdom
And shame the ignorant,
To cultivate your character
And outshine others;
A light will shine around you
As if you had swallowed the sun and the moon:
You will not avoid calamity.

A wise man has said:
“He who is content with himself
Has done a worthless work.
Achievement is the beginning of failure.
Fame is beginning of disgrace.”

Who can free himself from achievement
And from fame, descend and be lost
Amid the masses of men?
He will flow like Tao, unseen,
He will go about like Life itself
With no name and no home.
Simple is he, without distinction.
To all appearances he is a fool.
His steps leave no trace. He has no power.
He achieves nothing, has no reputation.
Since he judges no one
No one judges him.
Such is the perfect man:
His boat is empty.

path

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“I Can’t Decide”

I Can’t Decide
by the Scissor Sisters

super cute fan video!

and a fun song…

It’s not easy having yourself a good time
Greasing up those bets and betters
Watching out they don’t four-letter
Fuck and kiss you both at the same time
Smells-like something I’ve forgotten
Curled up died and now it’s rotten

I’m not a gangster tonight
Don’t want to be a bad guy
I’m just a loner baby
And now you’re gotten in my way

I can’t decide
Whether you should live or die
Oh, you’ll probably go to heaven
Please don’t hang your head and cry
No wonder why
My heart feels dead inside
It’s cold and hard and petrified
Lock the doors and close the blinds
We’re going for a ride

It’s a bitch convincing people to like you
If I stop now call me a quitter
If lies were cats you’d be a litter
Pleasing everyone isn’t like you
Dancing jigs until I’m crippled
Slug ten drinks I won’t get pickled

I’ve got to hand it to you
You’ve played by all the same rules
It takes the truth to fool me
And now you’ve made me angry

I can’t decide
Whether you should live or die
Oh, you’ll probably go to heaven
Please don’t hang your head and cry
No wonder why
My heart feels dead inside
It’s cold and hard and petrified
Lock the doors and close the blinds
We’re going for a ride

Oh I could throw you in the lake
Or feed you poisoned birthday cake
I wont deny I’m gonna miss you when you’re gone
Oh I could bury you alive
But you might crawl out with a knife
And kill me when I’m sleeping
That’s why

I can’t decide
Whether you should live or die
Oh, you’ll probably go to heaven
Please don’t hang your head and cry
No wonder why
My heart feels dead inside
It’s cold and hard and petrified
Lock the doors and close the blinds
We’re going for a ride

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Throwback Thursday: 06/27/2010

mistake

This is what I wrote the first time that Loserman stopped talking to me, 5 damn years ago, before I started my blog.

It reads just like present-times…

It’s over. Done. He hung up on me on Father’s Day while we were talking about when he would be able to finish fixing my car. It hurts so bad this time that:
  1. I don’t even want to write about it, it’s so stupid – maybe finally his wife found out and he’s trying to prove something to her about his love (see #3 for more on his loving her)…
  2. I feel like such a moron for thinking that all the bullshit he said was true. like “I love you”, “I’ll never leave you”, “I’m always be with you”, “I’m yours already”…  FUCKED UP!  Why would I EVER in a BILLION YEARS think that such a beautiful man would ever truly WANT me.  He’s the biggest self-involved mother-fucker that I have met to date, but I felt special because he ‘liked’ me.
  3. The stupidest parts of #2 are related to #1…  Like – why didn’t I listen to my better judgment? I’m old enough that I should have been smarter.  He obviously has a problem with commitment… He tries but then there’s this regular problem that he refuses to deal with and then ‘his girlfriend’ gets out of control because truly he’s a self-involved mother-fucker! I am impressed that his wife could deal with the bullshit for so long – and he’s only being nice to her because she is paying all of his bills right now.
  4. Because of that mother-fucker I am starting to hate myself again!  And I AM going to blame it on him. It’s that “horsefly’s” fault for even letting me think that an “us” was even possible. He must be getting what he needs from his wife…
I am SO angry with myself. So mad that I could be stupid enough to believe the things that he said. Even if he does try to contact me at this point I think he’s truly shown me what a horrid person he is and I can’t even let him in again for the most-awesome-sex-that-I-could-ever-know.  It was SO good.  I think he could be right.  I did only want him for his “froggy style”…
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Do You Think This Was Too Mean?

After TC broke up with me, I returned the bras and panties he gave to me, along with this letter:

image

I probably shouldn’t have said what I did, but I am very upset that he didn’t have the grown-up-man parts to have an actual conversation with me to dump my ass. So, I wanted to be a total fucking bitch (well, not “total” – I really did hold back from “going Chernobyl” on his ass. It could have been much worse. Who knows, maybe it will be when if he sends back my necklace.)

But, at the end I was still a tiny bit nice…

And I meant what I said.

Every

Single

Word

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Replies

listen

I have to confess that I am terribly hurt by TC’s response to my email. I spent all day Tuesday thinking about how I wanted explain my feelings to him. I didn’t want to be hurtful, just honest. Admittedly, my note originally started off as a bulleted list, but ultimately I decided THAT WOULD BE TOO FUCKING BITCHY.

Regardless, here is TC’s very simple and brief reply. Nothing less and nothing more than a bulleted fucking list

ToMe2

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Don’t Be a Hater

Some Angry People

nohate

lovehate2

timegiven-300x224

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Revenge Sex

I hate it when you do this to me. It’s so very stupid. You are only pushing me away; making me want to give up on us.

Ignoring me is probably not how you should choose to deal with any dissatisfaction that I might have with you. Do you like having me around, or am I expendable? Because if that’s how you treat me or how you feel about me, I know I deserve better! That is definitely not how I want my best friend to treat me!

I’m sick of forgiving the same things over and over again. I’ve done that for Mr. Doom-n-Gloom for 20+ years. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life doing the same thing, just with another man.

It’s really only lateness and then ignoring me during a moody spell. But, to me, those are my two biggest irritation triggers!! And, to do them over and over again knowing how much they irk me (seemingly JUST to irk me!!!) and then not apologize for being an ass-hat! Even once!…???

That’s just stupid and ridiculous! And extremely selfish and insensitive!!!

Just like revenge sex!

Which is something I have the opportunity to do right now!!! Tonight. Something I am contemplating because I can. Because it’s something I can do that you will never know about — but, I will always have it for me.

You act so proud to have me when other men stare at my breasts or take a second look at me. You even point it out to me so I notice. But, if I get something free because of them, that guy is my “boyfriend”.

Maybe I should take advantage of that attractiveness and find someone who treats me the way I feel I should be treated. You used to. What happened?

Is it because I have told you time and time again that I am not going anywhere? Has that made you so comfortable that you are just not even trying to keep me any more? Because you see how that worked out for Mr. Gloom-n-Doom!

I would like for you to treat me the way that I treat you; I would like for you to think about how your actions will affect me; I would like for you to get over this awesomely stupid teenage behavior of ignoring people when you feel guilty for hurting them.

I want you to grow the fuck up!!!

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So Angry!!!

So Angry Animated photo so-Angry-Comp-Tag.gif

I just gave Loverman $500.
$400 was to help him catch up on the payments for the stupid fucking BROKEN truck that he bought 2 months ago (and he’s already 2 payments behind!)
$100 was to help him pay on a television that he has on layaway – except he just found out that he has to pay $100 for his car insurance to be reinstated, so it’s going to that instead.
I have been letting him use my truck and I have been giving him rides, because his truck is broken right now (that is also what I have so affectionately named his stupid fucking truck: “BROKEN”)

Right now I am so angry I could spit tacks!!!

We were supposed to be going out together tonight (we probably still are, I don’t know…)
This is the text conversation I just had with Loverman.

I’m going to be late picking you up

I figured. Do you know how late?

No

That was the end… How long am I supposed to wait here for him? It sure would be nice to fucking know, eh?

Thank you for letting me get this out of my system before I spend the night with him. I wanted to unload all this fucking anger before I see him so I don’t say/do anything stupid. But I am still angry — I am thinking about starting to walk the 17 miles home… If I don’t hear back from him in 15 minutes, that’s what I’m going to do – at that point he will be over an hour late to pick me up, and he knows what time I get off work (I even reminded him before he “dropped me off” this morning).

 

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