Smitten with Him

grown-up stuff happens here sometimes

The Beginning of the End

Read Part 1 here

Anyway, Sunday night “Good nights” were crap.

While I was in the air on my way home from my first trip to see him, TC had been reading my blog. He read the table of contents – more precisely the “Other ‘Other’ Men” page (which was temporarily removed… Too little too late. I know. The damage had already been done…). I went to bed completely hating on myself.

After such an awesome weekend with him, I wanted to have some time to swoon. But instead, this.

Therefore, Monday morning sucked. To make it worse, on top of my hating myself, TC avoided me all day long. He didn’t respond to my messages on Facebook and I think I even sent him a text. I tried to stay positive, though. Reminding myself that he has two jobs and a daughter; eventually that all has to factor in. I got used to his attention daily when, in reality, he has much more important things to deal with than me.

I felt so yucky Monday afternoon that I almost called to cancel a job interview I had scheduled for Tuesday morning. But I didn’t. Read the rest of this entry »

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Being a Mom: Finances and Fatherhood

mother_daughter_fight

Last Thursday evening, Thing #2 and I got into a lovely row.

It started with her defending Doom-n-Gloom. For the first few minutes it was mostly civil: I have no problem with her standing up for her father, when she’s being reasonable.

I remember how I used to get when I was 17: entitled, presumptuous, a total know-it-all…

She was being all of that.

Then she said, “You’re taking an unreasonable amount of money from Dad every month. He can’t save money for anything.”

I stood up and looked her directly in the eye and said, “Your father pays me $200 a month and buys 80% of our groceries. He reimburses me for the $3,000+ in expenses it takes for me to maintain this household. Don’t tell me how I am being when you have no idea.”

“But I don’t know what’s going on, Mom. You never tell me how much you make or how much the bills are.”

“That’s because it’s none of your business and, if you wanted to know, this is not the way to ask. Please don’t assume that I am being the ‘bad guy’ here.” Then I got out the financial statements that we have prepared showing our individual incomes and our expenses. (To be honest, when I filled mine out, I was actually blown away at the amount I pay as opposed to the amount that he does. But, he carries their insurance… And I am divorcing him…)

I handed those financial statements to her and told her to look them over. When she refused, I sat down with her and I went over every single item I pay for and how much it actually costs me. Then his. It blew her mind. It blew my mind. So much that I was totally on the verge of breaking…

Which is what happened when Thing #2 brought up how Thing #1 treats their father/Doom-n-Gloom. At first, I explained as calmly as I could that it is IN FACT her father’s responsibility to treat both of his daughter’s civilly and with respect. I am a stickler for fairness between the two when it comes to my children.

Thing #2 was telling me that I didn’t know what I was talking about. That Thing #1 needs to be nicer to her father and I have to stop making excuses for her all the time.

I completely lost it. I was already angry, but that presumptuous child had no place telling me how an daughter/father relationship dynamic should work. I don’t talk about it much on my blog, but my father doesn’t talk to me unless he absolutely has to. Period. He will never make initial contact. My mother is the tie that binds. My brother is cool but busy trying to keep up with his best friends ↓

Here’s an example of how my father feels about me:

My mother had a heart attack 6 years ago, 2 years after we moved to Denver. My brother called to tell me Mom was in the hospital.

He also told me what Dad had said to him earlier that day:

Don’t bother calling your sister to tell her. She doesn’t care anyway.

My brother might be a fake Christian and a wanna be, but he doesn’t lie and he’s not intentionally cruel like my father.

I was grateful he told me.

Back to present time… There was a lot of yelling after this. Doom-n-Gloom finally came in and changed the subject back to the original: money.

He explained to Thing #2 that he doesn’t have a problem with the amount of money that he has to pay. It’s perfectly reasonable.

I thanked him for deflecting her. Then she proceeded to yell at him for 30 minutes. When she was done, she called her ex-boyfriend-now-best-friend so she could yell at him for another 30 minutes.

This entire time, Thing #1 was cleaning the kitchen to stay out of the entire ordeal.

Once Thing #2 was done with me and moved on to her father, I came upstairs and unloaded on a friend (who I will be telling you about tomorrow). We chatted. He was supportive. I felt better and went to sleep after that. I didn’t want to talk to Thing #2 again before bed. I was calm enough to fall asleep and I didn’t want to ruin that…

Selfish. I know.

The next morning I apologized to Thing #2. I was mean and said things I shouldn’t have said. I acted in an unmotherly way.

“I’m sorry for being so mean to you last night.”

“I forgive you, Mom. But you know that doesn’t make it right.” Then, she mumbled under her breath,“I’m sorry, too.” I barely heard her.

“Please could you repeat that last part? I didn’t quite hear you.”

“I’m sorry, too, Mom.”

I held my tongue in regards to her flippant comment in regards to “making it right” and told her I accepted her apology as well.

She walked to school that morning.

When I got home, she apologized for being such a bitch that morning when she accepted my apology.

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On His Lap

Oh my goodness! You should read the private rant post I published Tuesday afternoon!

Let me just say that I am glad it’s private.

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Mr. X and I had plans for that night and they didn’t happen.

And I didn’t find out it wasn’t happening until almost 1PM.

It was just a misunderstanding.

As you know, I’m good at that when I spend too much time thinking.

Here’s a snippet:

Last Friday, at breakfast, Mr. X told me he thought *I* was going to break up with *him*

Which made *me* think *he* was going to break up with me

Now I am worried that he’s going to break up with me today at Wendy’s while we’re having dinner (I wish he never would have said anything. Now I worry about it and I didn’t before. Am I going to worry about it every time now? Rhetorical question, but probably!)

Last Friday I thought he was excited to spend the night together with me

His “girls” would be gone for the week and I would have all the time I would possibly want with him

Ha!

After going back and forth about which night, “Yes, Tuesday night,” is what he decided and he would probably rent the room through Thursday night

I told him it was silly to think that he would be able to get a room on New Year’s Eve.

He said he was going to try

It *seemed* like he really wanted to spend that time with me (at that moment on Friday morning)

But

Time passed…

And this afternoon he cancelled our overnight plans for this night (Tuesday)

Which probably also means “the other nights”, too

He did so after not saying anything about it since last Friday at breakfast

So… I was left thinking for the past 4 days that it was going to happen and I totally got my hopes up for an entire night alone with him, plus possibly more. I was looking forward to getting to know him better and finding out about spending more time together. Maybe go over my book

Instead he wants to meet me for dinner at a Wendy’s that’s on my way home

Ha!

This is when I started ranting about the inadequacies of being a “6.5” and I am trying not to dwell on that.

As luck would have it, Mr. X and I did meet at Wendy’s for ‘dinner’ Tuesday night and he did not break up with me.

He sat me down at a table and talked to me.

In fact, after I told him pretty much what I told you here just now, plus a little more, he apologized sincerely for freaking me out! *le gasp*

I didn’t even have to ask him!

It turns out that it hurt his feelings when I didn’t greet him with the customary big hug and kisses. I was intense and confused – he even told me I looked confused… And, when he found out I thought he was going to ‘break up’ with me it shocked him and hurt his feelings even more.

I told him I am scared I won’t be able to be his distraction. That I won’t be able to satisfy him, make him happy, proud, etc…

He reassured me that we’re learning each other. We will get to that…

I will do just fine…

We will be just fine…

I told him about all the different “me’s” inside of me and how I just want him to tell me which one he wants.

He told me that we wants to uncover all the different “me’s” together and find the ones I like and the ones I don’t. He would help me learn how to deal with all of them. Because all of them are a part of me. It turns out he’s willing to take the “full package deal” and sort it out from there.

(That should be distracting enough, eh?)

He wanted me to talk to him about Loserman and told me that I need to take time and grieve so soon after ending a 6-year relationship.

I explained that I don’t know how to grieve. I have not had to seriously deal with the loss of someone I cared about that much… Ever in my life. All the other times I have had loss, it was someone who wasn’t very close to me or something I didn’t really need so much. It’s been easy for me to just pack the feelings up and put them away ‘on a shelf’. This time, with Loserman, it’s different because there are so many fucking memories. And they absolutely flood me sometimes.

I told Mr. X that I want to make new memories because I think that might make it easier to put my “Loserman memories” on a shelf.

I seriously don’t know if that will work. It probably won’t. But Mr. X told me that he would help me try and figure it out. He told me that is why he is taking things so slowly with me.

Then he asked, intently

Now can I have my kiss?

OMG! Of course you can, Mr. X! I am so sorry.

Immediately I stood up from my seat across the table from him and asked if he wanted to stand up for his kiss or if he wanted me to come over and sit on his lap.

He only thought about it for a second and his answer was, “On my lap.”

I happily acquiesced.

It felt so good sitting there. I wasn’t surprised I liked it. On his lap. In his arms. Kissing him. Him kissing me. Both of us relaxing into each other after the tension.

Screw the fact that I was sitting on his lap at a freaking Wendy’s!

It was like we were the only two people there anyway. (Aside from the employees, I think we actually were for a little while!)

We didn’t get to spend much time tangled together like that and, as a result, I want to do it again…

…especially after he unearths yet another layer of me.

I am still relishing those last few moments of bliss in his arms.

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Contacting Loserman

I had to call Loserman today about my broken truck, Bear.

We only talked about my truck.

(That’s the way I wanted it — it’s hard enough just thinking about talking to him, let alone doing it without tearing his heart out and having it for a snack…)

At the end of our conversation he told me that I could have called or texted him Friday night when it happened.

I explained that I didn’t want to bother him, and then said I was sorry my truck broke.

(because I am really, really sorry that Bear took a shit before I was ready to talk to Loserman about it)

He said, “You’re never bothering me.”

I told him that I don’t feel that way and that my heart still hurts from the way he treated me (on our sk8-venture from hell).

I told him that I still cry every time I think of him.

(Mondays are the hardest and I don’t know why, but every Monday my heart aches for him.
I didn’t tell him that, I am just sharing that with you.)

It got uncomfortably silent.

His eventual response was, “I will think about Bear for a couple days while it’s cold. From what you’re saying it sounds like there are two things going on. I’ll call you later in the week so we can make plans to look at him when it warms up a little.”

I just want to hear him to say, “I’m sorry I broke your heart, Mamacita.”

I don’t want to get back together with him — at this point, nothing would make me want to get back together with him.

I know that after talking to him today.

The entire time I felt uncomfortable and defensive. I was holding back tears and sniffling. I wanted to lash out at him. It was hard to hold my tongue when the mean things in my head were screaming so loudly to get out!

I just want him to tell me that he’s sorry for what he did to me — without me having to ask him for the apology.

I want him to acknowledge he hurt me.

I want to know that he feels bad for it.

sad-love-quotes-sayings-apologize-heart

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Warm-Fuzzies?!? Is That What We’re Calling It Now?

I try so hard to get along with this crazy-ass bitch that I work with — I will call her bitchy girl. She’s downright steamy one minute and bitter cold with a hint of frost the next. One day she wants to hug me on the way out the door and the next day she won’t even tell me she’s leaving (or if she does, there is some backhanded comment to go along with it about how “sorry” she is to have bothered me)… Ugh! This girl has me at my wits’ end because she takes everything personally — even if a person is agreeing with what she said to begin with (or they’re just answering her question, like what happened to me yesterday).

Bitchy girl said, “I need your help writing this letter because the woman I am writing it to isn’t a very warm and fuzzy kind of girl and sometimes I think that I am a little too warm and fuzzy. I don’t want to come off too strong because I know that sometimes it can be overwhelming. You know how some personalities are compatible and some are not?” (Now that I look back at it, I swear it was a set-up!)

Yelling

Stupid me. I agreed. I said, ‘Yeah, I know how different personalities can clash at times. Sometimes too many warm-fuzzies can be especially off-putting when they’re coming from a stranger or someone you don’t know so well.”

She turned and glared at me. Then asked, “What the fuck do you mean by that!?”

Me: “Ummmm… I was just answering your question about clashing personalities?!?” (I wanted to add: “Like ours are right now… Boy, can I feel the warm-fuzzies just oozing out of your pores! ” But I didn’t!)

Bitchy girl: “So you think I’m a total bitch then? Thanks. Now I know how you really feel about me!”

I am not sure what my face looked like, but I’m sure it was something along the lines of horrifically appalled!

At this point I knew that there was nothing I could say to her in response (I have two teenage daughters, I completely recognize irrationality — see here). But, after a moment’s thought, I did say, “I am just in your office because you asked me for my help. You asked me a question and I responded. I apologize if you didn’t like the response. It wasn’t personal. I was just agreeing that sometimes personalities DO clash and it’s very difficult to know how to respond to (handle) overly-loving (over-emotional) people (*like you*). I am going to go back to my office now and when you’re ready for my help just give me a call and we’ll try again.” Then I left her office to get something I left on the printer and return to my office.

While I was standing in the printer room, I could hear bitchy girl mumbling something (at me or not, I don’t know/care. I didn’t hear the words and I wasn’t going to justify her crazy-ass-bitch ranting with a response). As I stepped out of the copy room to go back to my office she said, loudly and directed at me this time, “I’m sorry I’m too warm and fuzzy for you. I will try and work that out so it doesn’t bother you so much. Sorry I wasted so much of your valuable time.” (My boss’s office is just around the corner and she heard the whole thing — it happens that way every time! She’s sick of walking on eggshells around BF, too. If my boss wasn’t so cool and understanding, this girl would have been fired last October!)

It’s getting to the point where I am going to start printing my stuff to the printer on the opposite side of the office just so I don’t have to deal with her pathetic, attention-seeking antics and her mumbly, back-handed comments. I don’t come to work to be psychologically abused and emotionally tossed about; if I wanted that I would just hang around Thing #2 more 😉. Last week I actually sent my resume out to a couple of job prospects because I am getting sick of this walking bi-polar disorder attempting to impersonate a professional, mentally-competent co-worker/employee.

I refuse to play the “last word” game with her. I’ve even told her that before — no matter what evil shit she says to me when I’m walking away, I am NOT going to turn around and justify her insanity. If she wants to say something totally fucked up to me, I will just leave those hurtful (hateful) words hang in the air. No one needs to respond to that shit. It just starts an evil hate cycle of doom and we have to work together every day. So, no matter how mean she is to me, I will continue to (endeavor to) be the mature one. Not to mention that we are AT FUCKING WORK!!!! Can we say professionalism!?!?

One day she got angry with me because she wanted to fight (she picked one) and, every time she tried to start it up, all I would do was walk away saying, “I think we should wait and talk about this later after things have cooled off.” At one point, she followed me into my office, closed the door behind her and started ranting at me about my disrespectful behavior — totally disregarding the fact that she practically chased me into my office so she could attack me behind my closed door. I was cornered so, as a matter of course, I raised my voice at her and told her that I was not in a position to have this conversation right now and we needed to wait for tempers to cool. “Stop yelling at me!” was her response. She then stormed out of my office stating, “I can’t deal with this crap. I’m going home.” She slammed her own office door and stay locked in there for 2.5 hours!

Maybe later she will come into my office and apologize for being overly sensitive and saying such mean things, but she was hurt and angry <blah, blah, blah, more meaningless words, etc…>. I will (feign to) forgive her (again!!) but, the truth is, I am sick of her. I am sick of having to justify everything I say (even after I thought very carefully about how the words would sound) because she took it too personally (when I wasn’t even talking about her!!!!). I dread walking by her office every day for fear of the veiled questions (how does one respond without getting one’s head bitten off?!?!). Thank goodness I don’t need to ask her for help.

One thing that I have always maintained with my children is:

An apology denotes regret. If you regret doing something, why would you turn around and do it again? What’s the point of the apology?

I don’t want to hear bitchy girl apologize to me again for the same fucking thing, and I have told her that, too. “I don’t need an apology. I would just like it if we never had to have this conversation again.”

Is that warm and fuzzy enough?

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“I’m Sorry” VS “Thank You”

Do they mean the same thing?*

It doesn’t look like it to me.*

If a person says to you: I’m sorry to have inconvenienced you

Would it mean the same as: Thank you so much for your help

???

I ask you this because my husband seems to think these words are interchangeable.Instead of saying, “thank you for taking me to the pharmacy after you got home from work. I know you don’t like going out again after you’re home” – he chose to say, “I am sorry for being such an inconvenience to you”.

In the past, I have mentioned to him (and my daughters) that, in my mind, the phrase “I’m sorry” denotes regret and implies the desire to not repeat the mistake again.

Am I wrong to think that? Is that not what an apology is?

And don’t even let me get started on gratitude and entitlement… That will be a different angst-y rant on a different emotionally-tired day.

All I want is a very simple “Thank you” and a tiny bit of gratitude when I go out of my way to do something for someone.

If you want to be a jerk about it, think about how I will feel if you need/want something else some other time. Do you think I’m just going to jump right up to the plate and be eager to help out? Oh, HELL-to-the-NO!

Would you?

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