Smitten with Him

grown-up stuff happens here sometimes

My Response/s

I find it oddly coincidental that I received so much communication from you immediately after I re-opened my Ashley Madison account.

Why did you wait to send all of your emails at the same exact second? Why couldn’t you send each email one at a time, every 2-3 days starting last Sunday…??? If you had done that, this wouldn’t even be happening and we would probably be on “better terms” as you say.

This is stoopid hard! In fact, I don’t even know why you keep coming back… Is it so you can let me down again and then be able punish/hate yourself for fucking up again? Do you want (or need) me (or your wife) to be disappointed in you? Are you creating distance between us on purpose? Why are you making it so hard for me to be vulnerable with you? Why do you find it so difficult to be vulnerable with me? I don’t understand… It always seemed like Loserman was doing all of that, too…

I don’t believe you are being entirely forthcoming with me. My thinking that you are keeping things from me doesn’t help me to trust you.

Your poem was entirely too cryptic…

We had become attached.
There was more to it than that.
The layers and partitions have changed.
It was never my intention to become estranged.
Strange how this works.
Both women in my life are saying I am making them hurt.
I apologize for my change in focus.
My changes, are the things that broke us…


(his response to my post Fade Away)

I just want to give up every time things get tough. I like you a big fat shit ton, but I’m not actually convinced that you like me as much as you think you should/do. Or maybe you feel sorry for me and don’t want to hurt my feelings. That’s how it seems from here.

I don’t want pity. I need help. I need to know that you will keep your word and not be entirely consumed by every squirrel that darts past…


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Chatting with Mr. X

I have unhidden my Ashley Madison profile and sent a few messages.

One very handsome and quite eloquent man responded.

I have named him Mr. X.

He is only 33 — I’m not super-keen on younger men, but this one gives great chat.

Also, he a Pisces — Loserman was a Pisces, but I don’t expect that to be a problem. I think all comparisons in this case are going to work against Loserman.

Here is how our first conversation went:

I will admit. I do not think I am what someone would call a Dom. But I am a man who knows what I want. I can lead and I can take us on a journey of exploration. If that sounds remotely interesting please feel free to continue to contact me. Here or at my email: …

Mmmmm…! If those sexy lips of yours are leading the way, I think it would be a deeply sensuous journey of exploration. At least for me, anyway…

I am still trying to figure out what I want. I definitely want someone to lead me and teach me new things, but then also I want him to learn things from me and there will be times when I need a really good spanking! I have begged for them in the past but only gotten a couple swats — my ass wants to glow!

Think on that…

Happy Friday!

Well, my sweet!!! I know we are only 3 messages in, but I would love to meet. Feel your energy, possibly taste your presence if you will. There is only so much the screen and keys can convey. I am glad to use this space as an initiator but I will need more to continue this chase. I am free during the days for large blocks of time. What does your availability look like?

Ooooooohhh!!! Straightforward! I like! And you are so good with your words I’m practically melting off my seat.

Days are difficult for me. I work your standard 9-5 desk job as a staff accountant for a real estate agency – I get an hour for lunch… Sometimes I can slip out a little longer… That could work for meeting and getting a feel for each others’ energies. Then we could go from there. The only nights I am unavailable are my skating nights, Thursday and Sunday — but you would be more than welcome to join me there if you wanted. Maybe I’d impress you with my smooth moves.


Skate Nights huh? I can’t skate; but that does not mean I am afraid to learn. Send me times and I will let you know if I can drop by. What part of town do you work in? I can absolutely do lunch to feel on you. I mean feel you out. See how the energy flows. I believe if there is enough time put into planning anything can happen.

Now. What toys do you already have at your disposal? We will need to go shopping. There is always a time at every beginning where we need a solid memory to attach ourselves to.

I can make your little ass burn red for you, darling. All I need is time and opportunity. Which means I will make the opportunity possible. I do not know if TTFN means I won’t get a reply like before; but I await your reply!

If you’re brave enough or feel inclined to I would love to make our communication a little more instantaneous. Text me: xxx-xxx-xxxx
Of course this is a number you can call but let’s hold on that until later.

~ X

Oh. My. God. Reading your note makes me so HOT! I wish you could feel the energy coursing through me right now! Or you could just be my office chair and I would slide right onto you… I work down in Xxxxxxxx and usually I take my lunch around 12PM, but it’s flexible and I can go any time really. Next week Tuesday and Thursday will both work for lunch. I look forward to feeling your handiwork and maybe doing an oral demonstration of my own 😉

… blah, blah, blah, skate address, skate times, blah, blah, etc…

Hmmmm… Toys… I like your thinking! I don’t have very many. I just use them on myself and they do the job nicely most times. I have never had anyone using them on me – but there are plenty of things I want to try! There’s a tiny butt plug that has only been used once (kinda scared to go there), nipple clamps and a vibrator/dildo. Same on the lingerie… 2-3 things that look good. I have lost a lot of weight, but my husband isn’t interested in sex for over 4 years so I haven’t had any reason to get anything new.

I just shot you a text.
You’ll have to tell me when are good times to contact you… I would hate to get you (or me) into any trouble!

BTW – I can be pretty freaking brave! There just needs to be the right incentive 😉

This reply!!! Love it! Lets just put that out there.

I am experienced in anal play. So small is the best way to start. I like to note that, if you have a high threshold for pain, anal will be a lot easier. If not it’s definitely something that you should work up to.

Now let’s be clear. I have no expectations for our first encounter. You are a lady after all. But the second and after are definitely open for interpretation. You can text anytime. I have My bases covered when it comes to that. You can call 6a to 6p during the week

But we will have plenty of time to play.


Dear Mr. X,
(that is what I have decided to call you until you tell me otherwise)

I prefer the first-encounter-no-expectations option. I feel the same way — there doesn’t need to be any more added pressure, right? Really, all I am hoping is that we get along this well in person (I can be a little shy/quiet at first, but a glass of wine can help cure that). And I really like your optimism about a second encounter – “open for interpretation” indeed! I concur.

In regards to my pain threshold, I guess it depends on what part of my body it is and my comfort level at the time. Does that make sense? (I love the way the nipple clamps feel, and then the sensation when they come off — all I can think about is how warm, wet lips would feel soothing and suckling them.) It seems like “outside pain” hurts me a lot more than “inside pain”, and things hurt more when I am scared or nervous. I guess I don’t know how I will tolerate something until I try it and, with anal, I understand that it helps to relax. So getting comfortable with you and being able to talk to you up front is important. You’re off to a wonderful start! And, clearly, you have more experience than me — that helps, too.

Patience is not one of my greatest virtues, but it is one I have!

Looking forward to our next exchange. I hope you have a wonderful night. XO!

When you get this take your time to read it. It will be short but I hope everything is understood.

We do not need anymore pressure added to this situation, we already have the “infidelity” aspect. Pressure to perform and deliver. Ability to satisfy and just straight up doubt. So no more pressure wanted.

Mr. X is quite fine. You are classified as my “Lil Flower”. We will get along fine. I have had other Virgo’s in my life. Me being a Pisces just makes it easier to “get through to me”.

The body part pain makes sense. It is different. It will be a pleasure pain. I read your last reply as “I would like to do anal, as long as you can make me comfortable”. This is something I know I can do.

I would love to suck and soothe your aching nipples after restraint. Anal does need trust and comfort especially in upfront experimentation.

I am a thinker. I can be overly patient, some would see it as too much patience. I look at it as opening avenues. Nothing is more imperative than my own objective in these circumstances.

I know in being a successful master/dominant I have to listen to my charge/submissive. I want to be an excellent controller. I will have a better night because I have thoughts of you intertwined in my normal path from now on.

Oooooohhhh!!! I like this man SO much! I’m going to have to sleep on his last response. It was so steamy and intense. I am worried it’s contrived.

And I really don’t want to send a stupid reply.

Please tell me your thoughts. Did he copy these words directly from a book?

And even if he did, he seems genuinely interested, right?


Looking To the Future. Seriously.

I have a lot of things to say, just don’t feel like saying it.

Things are going well, but I have been spending a lot of time wandering through the thoughts in my head.

Mr. AM never called or emailed me back. We were supposed to hook up today. I’m not surprised or disappointed.

I have established some kind of Pen Pal relationship with another guy from Ashley Madison, but that whole conversation has faded. We emailed each other almost every day for the first two weeks, but now when I try to write things to him, my brain comes up completely empty.

I’m not depressed or upset or anything like that. I am frustrated with my current situation (and Loverman’s — more about that later) and keep trying to figure out what I can do to change it or make it go away better.

Last weekend (10-or-so days ago) I talked to Doom-n-Gloom about contributing actual money to the household instead of just being responsible for buying groceries. This was a huge step for me: being able to confront him with a real issue that needed to be dealt with. He started telling me that his garnishments will be stopping soon (it sounded like the beginnings of an excuse to me) and I stopped him right there. I explained that I needed money from him regardless of the garnishments and that if he wouldn’t be able to come up with the money, the lease is up in September, he is more than welcome to find somewhere cheaper than $200/month. He said he understood and that was the end of it.shocked_baby

Holy Crap! It seems like this was a huge step for him, too.

I took my first payment from him last Friday. It felt strange, but it also felt very good.

And, here’s a little secret: I am not actually using ALL of that money for the household – half of it is going into a savings account I started for Doom-n-Gloom. Then, when I kick him out ask him to leave, there will be money to help him get a place (or something) AND that money won’t be coming from my pocket! It will legitimately be his money.

I am kind of proud of myself for looking to the future. That’s not really my thing.

I guess I must be getting pretty serious…



I finally received an email from Thursday in regards to me possibly being on Nightline’s second special on infidelity (see post):


I can’t say that I’m not disappointed 😦 but I’m also not surprised.

Also, I looked it up and, there is no Nightline episode on tonight. Nightline doesn’t air on Saturday nights. Per ABC’s website

Who was I talking to?


Tying Up Some Loose Ends


Thing #1’s ovarian cyst went away just like it was supposed to about 2 weeks ago. Now she has absolutely no excuse not to go to beauty school every single day!

ABC hasn’t called back 😦 or sent me an email, to let me know if I was picked for the Nightline episode on infidelity and on-line dating. I thought they told me the episode would air the 21st. It couldn’t have been June 21st because the show didn’t air that night. So, not all hope is lost I guess.

Attorney-man never called me back about a date. He emailed me twice after the initial contact this spring. The second one was to tell me to be patient with him, he just switched jobs and was very busy. Which is honestly true. He’s a connection of mine on LinkedIn.

My next sk8-venture with Loverman has been cancelled. The actual event was cancelled because the rink that was hosting it closed down last month. Great planning on their part, eh? I found out about 3 weeks ago and told Loverman. We haven’t made replacement plans yet and, judging by the way things have been going recently, I’m not sure I want to reschedule a new one (at least not with him).

And the best news of all — I got an email from Mr. AM this morning! We were originally not supposed to meet again until next Tuesday, but this was waiting in my in-box for me this morning:


Ooooohhhh! I like him SO much! He is very no-nonsense. That email even gave me goosebumps!

My response:


I can’t even begin to tell you how excited I am for tomorrow night!

It’s like next week jumped into my lap and yelled “Surprise!”




After minimal-to-no communication from Loverman this week, I am about to go insane!

Even with my Mr. Ashley Madison distraction, I am still missing my sexy Loverman. He’s like my very worst addiction *sigh*

This song keeps repeating over and over in my head. I wish I could sing it to him…

♫ …Give me something that I can believe in
Give me something. I will wait.

But if you give me nothing
I can’t help feeling I’m in stalemate with you… ♫

by Joss Stone, feat. Jamie Hartman

Did I let you down?
Did I give you up?

So what’s it all about
Was it not enough?
No, no, no

It’s alright, yeah
It’s okay, yeah
It’s alright with me

I’ll be fine, yeah
I don’t mind, yeah
I’ll pretend at least

But if you give me something
That I believe in
Give me something
I will wait

But if you give me nothing
I can’t help feeling
I’m in stalemate with you
Stalemate with you

Used to pick me up
Like a sunken

And I’ve been thinkin’ it
‘Cuz we worked so

But it feels wrong, yeah
When I’m strung along, yeah
Strung along by you

And the words you say, yeah
Just to get your way, yeah
Well, they just won’t do
You got to

Give me something
That I believe in
Give me something
And I will wait

But if you give me nothing
I can’t help feeling
I’m in stalemate with you, oh, I’m in stalemate
Oh, I’m in stalemate, pretty baby
(Stalemate with you)

I need more, I need more
What are you waiting for?
It’s so frustrating
(So frustrating, baby)
You got to

I’m so frustrated with your love
What you do to me
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah
You got me in stalemate

Give me something
That I believe in…

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Ummm… Ashley Madison…

… contacted me last week and asked if I would be willing to do an interview with ABC’s Nightline regarding why women have affairs. I will wager a bet that some of you were contacted, too.

I accepted the invitation and had an interview with the CEO Wednesday during my lunch break and a conference call interview with one of ABC’s producers Thursday afternoon!


I am wondering: What are my chances of actually being on television?

“Your anonymity is guaranteed. Last time they interviewed our member, they only showed a side-shot of the lower part of her face and changed her voice. That said, if you go forward with this opportunity you will have the control to determine how you are presented on screen.”

Clearly my first interview went well because they asked me to do a second one. I thought the second interview went even better! I was candid about my relationship with Doom-n-Gloom and I touched briefly on my relationship with Loverman and then they asked if I had recently gone on a date with someone I met through Ashley Madison. That was awesome because, not only had I recently had a date with someone I met on AM, it went well, too!

The ABC producer had a lot of great questions. My favorite was: do you think that men and women cheat for different reasons? If so, what do you think they are?

I think both men and women cheat because validation is missing in their relationship, but the types of validation are different for each of the sexes.

Women cheat because men stop working on their relationship. Men get comfortable and stop saying, “I love you” or doing loving things for their women as frequently because you already know I love you, baby. Why do I have to keep telling you. Men start to get lazy and no longer try to “woo” their lady any more.

Men cheat because their women stopped taking care of themselves. Women get married and stop trying to be fit; they get mean and over-critical; they get fat, stop wearing make-up and never dress up any more; they no longer look or act sexually stimulating. Men are visually stimulated. Period.

I probably should have told them something about my blog, but I don’t know if I want them to come here. I still have time to tell them things that I “remember” or I didn’t have a chance to tell them.

Do YOU think I should tell them about my blog?

Have any of you been contacted by AM to do this Nightline special?

P.S. If I am chosen, I will totally tell you guys so you can watch/record it!!!


My Amazing Ashley Madison Date

Disclaimer: this story may cause great bodily reactions, tingling and create excitement in some readers 😉
(thank you, myipadography)

He’s a Capricorn. I studied up on Capricorns before our date so I had some kind of idea what to expect.

I’m glad I did.


I found out that they are very reserved and don’t like affection in public.

They appreciate modesty, so don’t go all-out with a crazy “bare everything” outfit. That will turn him off.

Capricorns like intelligence and sarcastic wit. They appreciate cool composure and “stellar conversation”.

I learned they are very goal-oriented and, when they want something, they will slowly and surely get it.

They are dependable. When they say they’ll be there at 8, they will be there at 8.

They appreciate honesty and become comfortable with a person more quickly if they are immediately forthcoming.

They are very passionate lovers!

He was all of that, and he really liked me! I didn’t act any different from my normal self, but I was very grateful to know a little bit about what I was in for.

He texted me at 6:10 to tell me that he was stuck in traffic and his “ETA was 6:35.” The restaurant was downtown and I was relieved I would have a couple extra minutes to get myself together after navigating through all the one-ways and trying to find a parking garage.

The garage that I found was right next to the restaurant, underneath a luxury apartment complex and the elevators came out into the lobby. There was a concierge sitting at the front desk who said “Hello” to me as I walked by the first time.

But, I had forgotten to change my shoes to the ‘evening’ ones, so I had to go back into the building to get back to my truck. This time, I asked the concierge if the front doors were open 24 hours so I could get back in later. He told me, “I’ll be here until midnight, Ma’am. After that, security will be here. There’s a number at the door outside to call if no one is at the front desk when you need to get in.”

“Thank you. I have to go change my shoes quick, I’ll be right back.” (oversharing is a problem with me when I am nervous)

The concierge smiled at me, and when I walked through the lobby for the third time, he said, “I hope you have a lovely date.”

That was so sweet.

My date didn’t arrive until 6:45, but I didn’t care. It was a nice evening and I was waiting outside the restaurant on a bench. I called out his name when I saw him walking up to the door. He looked excited to see me; I’m sure I looked exited to see him. We side-hugged. I felt a connection then. He apologized for being late and opened the door for me to walk through first.

We didn’t have to wait to be seated. He had made a reservation and called to tell them we would be late (oooh, that was SO sexy!). The Hostess walked us to our table while he let me lead. I’m pretty sure he wanted to walk behind me so he could check out my ass. I did my sexy-curvy walk just in case 😉 He pulled out my chair for me and sat down across the table.

He was so charming. His smile lit up his face. His pictures on the website didn’t do him justice. They were super-hot pictures, but I thought they made him look arrogant and conceited.

If he was either of those things, they didn’t affect our evening together.

We had a lovely dinner. The meal was awesomely expensive ($162) and awesomely tasty and the company was so much better than I anticipated.

We mostly talked about work and what we are looking for in regards to a “relationship”. We got to know about each other; talked about our past choices and relationships, etc. He was very candid, as was I. At one point he asked me why it took so long for me to respond to his original message to me – 2 months.

I told him that I thought he looked/seemed way out of my league. When I saw his pictures he looked so handsome and professional and well-coiffed that I didn’t think I stood a chance. I thought that, once he actually met me, he would lose interest with me quickly. I’m just a simpleton. But, then, WTF? If I don’t try, I can’t know.

He reminded me that *he* was the one who initiated contact.

I reminded him that I only have a picture of my legs posted.

We sat at our table talking for almost 3 hours.

He walked me to my truck afterward, as I assumed he would. (Who says chivalry is dead?) We had to phone the concierge to let us into the building. We were let in and my date insisted, yet again, that I walk in front of him to the elevator.

I stood at the door of my truck, looking into his light brown eyes… It must have been intense because he broke the silence with, “You look like you’re thinking very hard about something.”

“Yes,” I answered. “I am thinking how much fun I had at dinner with you and how much I wish you would kiss me. And how I know we can’t really do that out here in the open…”

He was already looking around for security cameras and said something to that effect.

I turned around to face my truck and as I unlocked and opened the driver’s door, he stepped in close behind me, buried his face in my neck and breathed in deeply the scent of me. He kissed the side of my neck and nuzzled his face into my hair some more. One of his hands were up the back of my dress, fondling my ass, caressing towards the front to fondle my pussy a little through my panties.

I let my body be free to his touch, my hips grinding my ass into his hips, my hand grabbing onto his thick erection through his black jeans. I could hear myself making noises, they were echoing off the cement walls. I tried to quiet myself, but the electricity between us right then was practically palpable!

He asked, “Does the back seat of your truck fold down?”

“No, but the front one does,” I replied. My cheeks were flushed and our breathing was heavy. He got into the driver’s side and I walked over to the passenger side and climbed in. Immediately his lips were on mine – fierce and powerful, full of lust and passion – and his hand was creeping it’s way back up my skirt again. He reached my, now very wet, black panties and began pulling them down my right thigh; then the left.

I lowered my seat as far as it would go and he climbed on top of me — he was still fully clothed. He grabbed my hips and thrust me farther up the back of the seat. My shoulders and head were actually resting on the seat behind us.

Somehow, he managed to get his legs crunched up at the base of my seat, body between my legs and then he buried his face in my pussy!

For almost 45 minutes!

I came so many times that I lost count – twice I came so hard I actually thought I was going to lose consciousness!

After such a lovely dinner, to be worshiped like this was absolutely fabulous. I was in heaven. A few times, when I was actually coherent enough to form a complete thought, I said something like, “This is so unfair. You really need to be getting a turn, too. This feels so good, what you’re doing to me. I hope I can make you feel this good, too.”

All he said in response to that was, “This is your night. This is all for you.”

When I seriously thought I could come no more, he asked me, “Do you have another one in there for me?”

“I don’t think so.” I gasped, “You do so well, but I think she’s done for tonight.”

“Your pussy is so tight and beautiful and you are so sexually responsive. You just keep coming and coming. It’s powerful knowing I can show you this kind of pleasure. I want to feel you come again.”

“You can do this to me all night long if it’s going to feel this good.”

His mouth was fully on my clit, sucking and licking and he had two fingers in my pussy doing some kind of corkscrew thing. It felt a-MA-zing! “I don’t know what you’re doing, but don’t stop. It feels so good.” And I let loose with another orgasm.

“I thought you said you didn’t have another one in you,” he teased as he licked up every last bit of my juices, “You’re a squirter. Did you know that?”

I shook my head and answered, “No, but no one has ever eaten me out like that before. I didn’t even know I could come that hard!” He bit my inner thigh a couple of times to tease me and I giggled. My body was still trembling and he was rubbing my entire pussy with the palm of his hand, trying to calm me down. We were both drenched with sweat. The windows of my truck were completely fogged up.

“It’s like a sauna in here.” He kissed me a few more times, less energetically, and let himself out of my truck. While he was straightening his sport coat and shirt he said, “I am going to have to walk around for a little while to cool off. Should we try this again next week?”

“I would like that very much.”

He picked up one of my shoes that had fallen out of the truck, handed it to me and casually walked away. He didn’t look back; while I laid, barely aware, on the still-reclined passenger seat, dress completely disheveled, panties off, one leg out of the vehicle, sweating and panting and trying to collect myself. I laid there sprawled like that for probably 10 minutes. My brain was blown and all I could feel was the pleasure between my thighs. I laid there: mind-blown and giggling quietly to myself. My imagination kept flashing back to all parts of the night. The waitress, the amazing dinner, the great wine, the company, the crazy pussy-eating fest at the end…

I almost came again on the drive home thinking about it.

And, if there were security cameras in that parking garage, the sweet young concierge had a very scintillating night at work! 😉

I sent this email to him Tuesday night, before I passed out to dream of incredible oral sex:

Thank you for a breathtaking evening. It was better than I ever could have imagined! I look forward to having a next time so I can get a turn with you, too. The things you did to my body tonight were amazing! My mind is still blown.
On my drive home I had a hard time concentrating. I almost came again thinking about how you made my body tingle… Mmmm….! I hope you sleep well.
Titillated and tingly

His response Wednesday morning was:

I’m glad you had a great time (I did too!).  I’m traveling for work the next couple of weeks, but how does Tuesday the 1st look to get together?

I think it’s looking pretty damn good! What do you think?


Taking a Break

I am getting uncomfortable with my closeness to Loverman.

I rely on him to support me when I am down, and he has been there for me a lot lately.

I can trust him.


But he’s not mine. He never will be.

And here is something that I haven’t mentioned to you yet:

at the end of April, I gave Loverman $800 to buy a truck.

He used that $800 to buy the truck (I think).

When I gave him the money I knew that the truck needed work, but I also thought that Loverman would just be swapping engines out with the truck he already had.

I also knew that I would probably never, ever see that money again.

And I was okay with it.

Until I found a cash-machine receipt in my truck, from two weeks after that, showing that he had withdrawn $400 at Mardi Gras Casino at 7:39 on the morning of Saturday, May 17th, 2014.

I found the receipt when I was cleaning out my truck one day at lunch. May 21st to be exact.

I didn’t want to “make a deal” about it. So, I took a chill pill and decided to think on it for a couple of days and wait until I could talk to a very wise friend.

She told me to just leave it be. Not to bother with it, because it was none of my business.

She was right. I shouldn’t have bothered with it, AND I should have thrown the stupid receipt away so I wouldn’t be seeing it stare at me every day from the console of my truck.

But, I didn’t listen to her AND I kept the receipt.

Yesterday morning I was PMSing in the shower and I couldn’t stop thinking about that damned receipt.

Not only had I given him that $800 to buy a truck, I had given him $400 two months before that for him to buy parts for MY truck.

He hasn’t bought those parts yet. He is waiting for a “deal”.

I am afraid that he was using MY $400 on the 17th. He is always claiming never to have any spending cash and now he has $400 to just throw away at a poker machine?


I needed to talk to Loverman, to communicate with him about my fears and concerns.

In response, he lied to me.

This is mostly how the conversation went after the “I found a receipt in my truck and I want to talk to you about it” part:

ME: If you already had $400 in the bank, why did you need me to give you another $800?

LM: To buy the truck, baby.

ME: I understand that part. But, if you already had half of the money, why did you need me to give you all of it?

LM: I needed that money to pay other bills.

ME: But you didn’t use that money to pay ‘other bills’. That money was withdrawn at a casino on a Saturday morning, at 7:39 – the exact perfect time for you to get there after you had just gotten off of work.

LM: Yeah. I took it out so I would have it later to pay those other bills I told you about.

ME: I am pretty sure that you didn’t have to go halfway up the mountain to find a cash machine which just happened to be at a casino on a SATURDAY morning right after work.

I am foggy on how it ended because he just blew it away like it was nothing, and I wasn’t trying to act like or sound like I thought I was his keeper or anything. Just the keeper of my own money, perhaps?

He didn’t make a big deal about it and we kept talking for a while about what happened with his weekend at work.

I am relieved, in a way, that Loverman didn’t get upset with me for bringing it up, or not believing him. It was just dropped.

Doom-n-Gloom would have had a fit, slammed doors, sulked, and then come back to argue some more.


But I know Loverman was lying to me.

He has a gambling problem. Occasionally, he will cop to it. I guess this is not one of those times. I do not believe what he told me, not one bit of it.

This weekend he was just calling a bunch of friends trying to get enough money together to pay “those bills”. He said he almost asked me for $13.

Last Thursday he asked me for $10 gas money and I told him that I couldn’t afford it this week. Little does he know that I could afford it, I was just wondering in the back of my head did he have his own money and was he just asking because he knew I would give?

When our conversation turned, I asked if we were on for our regular date night this week. He said, “No. I have a lot of packing to do. I need to get all my things together before Diva gets us kicked out of her house.”

“Okay, that sucks. I am really super going to miss you!” (because I AM) “Can we at least go skating together Wednesday?”

“I miss you, too, mama. Of course Wednesday skating is on.”

“Well, I can’t wait to see you on Wednesday then!”

After that conversation, while I was finishing up my commute, I decided that maybe I could stand to take a break from Loverman for a week or two. If anything, my pocketbook might thank me!

Next week he won’t want a date night because I will have my period. He is convinced that I can’t go one night without sex when we’re together and he is grossed out by menstruation.

That gives me two weeks without Loverman sexually. Seeing him only for our two, brief skate nights. Texting him less and less often… Him forgetting about me…

Stop it! That’s crazy!

Or is it?

Because that’s what I am trying to do.

I have ‘reactivated’ my membership at Ashley Madison and I sent out 4 messages yesterday.

Already I have a response to one of them and a date for dinner tonight.

At ChoLon!


An attractive man is taking me out to dinner tonight!

To an expensive, cutting edge, restaurant.

And he is fucking paying!

I hope I pick the right dress!


I guess I am looking for an other other man. To fill in the gaps (and take me out to dinner and buy me nice things)…

I know I can’t ‘have’ Loverman so I don’t want to get too attached to him – if I sleep with other guys, it might help me to remove some of the attachment. Then maybe I get worried because, if he starts sleeping with someone else, maybe he’s trying to do the same thing…


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