I didn’t pay much mind to Friday’s text ‘conversation’ with My Catfish until Sunday afternoon, after the rest of my “crew” had checked out of our hotel and returned to Denver. (I opted to stay an extra day and check out a different rink while I was there, as I am probably not going back to Texas – especially Houston – unless I have to. It was definitely worth it!)
But on Sunday, I started thinking about how I responded to him after he reached out to me and told me his mom wasn’t doing too well…
“Whatever” is a shitty response and it probably would have been better for me not to respond at all.
But sometimes I feel the need to have the last word…
I don’t even know where to begin with this one…
First, I guess I could start by unprotecting and re-sharing my last two posts about him:
When I wrote those posts, I had already driven to Colorado Springs to meet My Catfish, proving that he was NOT in fact a catfish, but a real live person with real live intentions.
During our nearly-6-months-long-chat leading up to said meeting, he shared with me some things about himself I thought I could be okay with. Most of them I was… But, when he told me he was overweight, I underestimated what he meant by “overweight”.
I don’t want you to ever feel trapped or that there’s no way out. I don’t want you to feel like I’m making you stay in a situation. I want you to see that you have someone who’s willing to fight for you because I know, one day you may do the same.
But, if not, you will know that in the world you have someone who was always willing to fight for you.
I’m here and I’m going nowhere. I will just wait to maybe hear back from you, buttercup.
I figured out my problem.
I feel trapped.
You have already claimed me and told me how it’s going to be for ever and ever for the rest of my life. I appear to have no choice in the matter whatsoever. However flattering that is, it’s terribly scary not to have a way out! At the very least, it would be nice if I felt like I was arriving at my forever-choices on my own. At this moment, I feel like those choices have already been made for me – by you, and that I am powerless in what I might actually want, whether it works out to be you or something else.
It seems like you are going “power through” until I feel how you want me to feel. That’s how it was with that crazy old guy who wrote those terrible (and true) things about me after I broke up with him. What if I never feel how you want me to feel? How do I get out?!?
I am helpless and defenseless with you, as I was with him, and that is very scary to me. He idealized me as something I am not – just as you are. And, I cannot stress this enough: I am NOT that angelic person you keep telling me I am, either. You deserve much, MUCH better.
I’m not turning you into that guy. The situation, circumstance and also how you are treating me – those things are turning you into that guy. Those things are scaring me away because it’s so much like it was with that guy.
Everything you promise me sounds perfect and wonderful and everything I’ve ever hoped for. I have learned that if something is too good to be true, then it is.
I am not sure if these are walls my heart has set up to protect itself or if it’s simply my common sense and experience telling me not to be so stupid and naïve ever again. I can’t let someone else have control of my future instead of myself.
Maybe you should find someone more pliable and controllable; someone who will go along with what you’re saying and not be so scared shitless and resistant.
These are my feelings as best as I can describe them to you.
What daddy would like is for us to grow together and communicate better to make each other stronger. Because the stronger daddy’s sub is, the stronger daddy is
You make it sound so nice and perfect…
Well, it will take work and nothing is perfect
I’m glad you said that. Thank you!
Daddy gets this feeling that she gets a little more in to daddy every time we talk?
You are correct. Every once in a while when we’re chatting, thinking of you gives me butterflies… I thought my butterflies had left me.
That’s why I want to meet and see if we have any chemistry Read more
Morning beautiful. How was your weekend?
I’ve had better, thanks.
It sure would be nice to meet you in person.
That’s all up to you and when you’re ready buttercup.
Will you be visiting Denver for any reason any time soon?
I was this weekend lol
But you’re a good reason
Usually, when The Universe communicates with me it’s quite obvious.
Sometimes I listen.
Most times I don’t 😦
I’ve ignored the signs enough that, now, I don’t even know if I can recognize them.
Also, my life has been rather chaotic since I ended things with Jim/”Mick”
How is daddy’s special girl doing today??
By the way, daddy loves her voice and talking with her last night.
Thank you for saying so. It was nice talking with you, too. But I don’t think that I am able to commit to abstinence and being “all yours” yet like you want. I don’t want to jump into anything like that.
I’m not asking you to yet sweetheart
I must have misunderstood then. My apologies.
Technically, this is Conversation #2. A while back I wrote briefly about Big Daddy. Very briefly…
Since that time we have been chatting via text (until recently) and (rarely) talking on the phone, but I haven’t been taking it seriously. I guess, in that respect, I am just as much a catfish as I am assuming he is.
He lives in Colorado Springs, a little over an hour away. Since we started “talking” in August, he has made plans to visit me in Denver 3 times and has had to cancel each time at the very last minute. Maybe he really does have issues with his mother and a ton of family drama with his brother. Or maybe, he’s a fake and pretending and lying…
If it matters, I met Big Daddy through collarspace. He had seen the pictures posted on there before we even started talking.
It only took one serious conversation with a “serious Dom” for me to finally realize that ‘the lifestyle’ might not be for me.