Smitten with Him

grown-up stuff happens here sometimes

My First Meeting

So… last Thursday night I finally bit the bullet and went to my first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting

I’d been sober for 12 days and it was getting tougher and tougher to resist stopping at the liquor store on my way home from work

Two weeks seems to be about all I can handle before I need to cave and buy another bottle



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I’ve been seeing a shrink

It started after I told Thing #1 I wanted to kill myself and asked if she wanted to come with

That was when I finally realized I was out of control

It’s been since high school, some 30 years ago that I’ve felt so self-destructive

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Am I bi-polar?

Wow! I was just looking through my posts here.

Anger to erotic…

I’m just trying to keep it interesting.

So, today I feel sad. It’s a strange thing to say because I also feel pretty.

I HATE mixed feelings! You will probably hear me saying that again and again. I understand them, I just HATE having them. I just plain feel conflicted.

But right now, until about next Monday, my conflicts will be completely unresolvable because my monthly monster has temporarily abducted all of my rational sensibilities. Right now, I will have to take each thing as it comes (big and small – because for the next few days everything will seem too hard to handle) and s…l…o..w…  d…o…w…n… and think it through.

For example:My commute this morning was really no different than usual – it took the same amount of time, no one tried crashing into me like yesterday morning, etc… – but I could feel every minute I was kept waiting making me more tense. Being prepped ahead of time is no help when the hormones are on overdrive, I guess.

At work I am sitting here, wanting to cry my eyes out. For the stupidest of reasons, but I genuinely want to cry…  So I did. It’s a gorgeous day, so I left my office and walked around the block for about 15 minutes hoping that if I just let the tears come I would feel better when I got back to my desk. Nope, still want to cry. And don’t try telling me to think about all those people out there who have it much worse than me – that will just make it worse, because then I will just start feeling guilty because I am being so self-absorbed. Not to mention how I will feel for the people with bigger problems than my monthly monster…

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