He’s gone. I shouldn’t be so sad anymore.
But I am.
He’s gone. I should feel relief instead of loneliness.
But I don’t.
He’s gone. I need reach out to others for support.
But I can’t.
He’s gone. I still hate myself for being so stupid.
But I’m not.
He’s gone. So, why am I still broken?
Because he never refilled my cup.
After drinking so selfishly from it…
Oddly enough, I was rereading some “related posts” when I came across this one: Lost
For the most part, I have overcome that feeling in regards to [Loserman].
Don’t get me wrong, I still feel very lost very much of the time, but situations (car-related and not) keep popping up in life (as they tend to do) and I am handling them on my own, without his help and/or support. Sometimes I probably don’t handle them in the best of ways, but I get through it and then deal with the consequences regardless…
Saturday night my roller skates broke. Well, one of them anyway… *sigh*
I just got them in January! A month before I went to Phoenix!!
Quite a few times now I have sat down to write all of the things that are happening to me… All the feelings that are going on inside of me…
The words just don’t flow. I feel like I am staggering drunkenly across the page each time I scrawl something new (and that’s a challenge because I’m typing. hehehe…).
The Wednesday evening before Thanksgiving, Mr. R took me out to dinner again. (Here’s our first date)
It wasn’t anything fancy. Just a burger and fries at Village Inn.
I was able to stay out late because I didn’t have to be home until 1:30am – Thursday was a work holiday for me, so I told Thing #1 I would drive her to work (and it was bloody cold!).
He had me home by my “curfew” and kissed me briefly before dropping me off.
Thanksgiving was nice (but that’s a different story with a different person and a different nice).
The next day (Friday afternoon), Mr. R asked if I would like to have dinner with him that evening.
Hmmm… I really enjoyed my Thanksgiving with Alaska…
But getting to know Mr. R is kinda challenging interesting.
We had a nice dinner. This time I picked the restaurant… He had a giant rib eye and I had fish tacos.
We talked about basic things: work and daily activities… He won’t talk to me about any of his family or any of his past, which means there isn’t much to talk about after catching up on current events. He told me about ice fishing and his new fish finder and how awesome it was; a couple funny stories about his friends and past adventures with them or by himself…
Today, right before the ass-crack of dawn, I will finally be on my way to TC for the weekend!!!
My flight leaves at 5:45 and arrives in Houston at 9:05. I have all day Friday and all day Saturday! The sad part is, my return flight leaves at 1:55 PM Sunday, which means that I really should be to the airport by noon. Especially since I am not familiar with it (LOL! I am so poorly traveled!).
I can have some anxiety in crowds/situations when I am not familiar with the environment or I don’t have “someone comfortable” with me. It’s something that I am working on because I know it’s a huge weakness of mine, but thinking about it can get overwhelming. I have to keep reminding myself that it is NEVER as bad as I think it’s going to be. And, the airport has literally thousands of people who can help.
Last week I started the process of filing for a divorce.
I told Doom-n-Gloom on Sunday morning.
I woke up at 6:30 and my plan was to make my breakfast and get some cleaning done in the kitchen before he woke up. Then, I would give *him* some time to wake up and eat and have his coffee. Once I knew he was fully awake, I was going to sit down and talk to him.
It didn’t work out that way at all — even though I was very quiet while I was working, he woke up on his own. After using the bathroom, Doom-n-Gloom walked into the kitchen and stood behind me quietly (he does that a lot with me and Thing #1 — creepily standing a couple feet behind us and not saying a word until we do, then he grunts and walks away). I rinsed off a plate in the sink and said, “Good morning” and (as I thought) he responded with a grunt.
Without turning around to look at him, I said, “After you’ve had a chance to wake up and have your coffee and eat and stuff, I need to talk to you about something important.”
“Why don’t you just tell me now?” was his response.
I took a deep breath and told him that he was probably going to want to sit down.
It is *definitely* not you
It definitely *is* me
I am too needy
And
You weren’t the one who didn’t make himself clear
*I* was
Crucial, actually
Once the trust is broken
It’s broken
How can I know now?
What you mean and what you don’t?
My heart is guarded from you
Tender from your random radio silence
Convinced that you will do it again
And again
And again
Loserman sent me this on Facebook yesterday morning..
I am sick of his Facebook-posting shit when he wants to communicate with me. I wish he would just fucking talk to me like an adult! It’s so passive. He’s been doing it for the last week or so and I’ve been ignoring him because he’s posting it on his own wall, but yesterday he sent this as an instant message.
At least he didn’t post it directly to my wall this time, I guess. (of course that could be because I blocked him from posting there again 😉 ) *sigh*
I have no idea what the fuck?!?!?! I haven’t responded because I just don’t know what the fuck…
Please help me understand.
I am so happy for you and your new lady
I will always love you
Forever and always
It looks like you love her
With such beauty and wonder
But I will always love you
Forever and always
When I think about what happened in the past
I wish I had what it took to make it last
My beliefs were all wrong
Which made me weak all along
I knew when I left I’d be broken
Since then we haven’t even spoken
Doors were shut
Our hearts were bruised
You never called (?)
I am so happy for you and your new lady
I will always love you
Forever and always
It’s been hard to face it, it helps
Knowing nothing’s wasted
I will always love you
Forever and always
Although every night I sleep alone
I’m glad that you have someone you can hold
I wouldn’t wish this loneliness on you
Pray that I find someone special, too
I knew when I left I’d be broken
Since then we haven’t even spoken
Doors were shut
Our hearts were closed
You never called (?)
Loverman’s replacement phone should be here by this coming Friday. Yay!
I bought him a leather case for it that latches onto his belt ($5 – gotta love Ebay!) because few months ago we were messing around and I accidentally broke his old plastic cover. I feel partially responsible — if his original phone case hadn’t been broken, he would have had somewhere to put his phone.
Right now he is using one of my spare phones.
This weekend I got a good giggle out of it because, right now, Loverman and I are using the exact same phone.
We have matching phones!
How cuuuuute!!!
Right?
Smitten with Him 