Still on a Break

Still on a Break

So, I guess we’re still on our “break” (not that I am counting, but it has been 20 days).

I am completely losing my mind! I can’t focus on a goddamn thing!

I need to get out of my marriage… *sigh* Loverman is almost out of his and I think he is wanting me to take a bigger step. I don’t know. The things he said to me Sunday were so cryptic. I have so much thinking to do…

He is trying to get all of his stuff moved out of Diva’s house before the bank finally forecloses on it. He has no idea when that’s going to happen, but she hasn’t paid the mortgage for almost a year now. After that he has nowhere to go. Literally nowhere.

I am scared for him and I love him (I think) so I want to help and protect him (I think).

Sunday we got together to test drive my car. He’s been working on my Plymouth Breeze forever the last five years. It’s totally done now. I feel like I should be happier and more excited. I feel like I didn’t appreciate him enough.

On Father’s Day, after he hadn’t slept for over 24 hours (his choice, I get it, but still), I decided to push his buttons.

I fucked up a perfectly good day because I wanted to have a fucking discussion about trust (trust seems to be the theme-of-the-month).

He was telling me that he didn’t want to give me the switch for the sunroof in my truck because he thought the glass was slightly off track and wanted to be sure it was secure before I opened it on the highway and it flew off. We have talked about this already a couple of times.

I understood and told him that I just wanted the switch so I could open it a crack on my way home waiting in traffic (the AC in my truck fucks up the gas mileage something fierce so I don’t run it, but it gets really hot in there) and I don’t drive on the highway to get to and from work.

He said something about his friends Sean and Joseph and how he lets THEM have/do stuff and they don’t listen to him and then call him a week later to tell him those things are now broken.

I tried to tell him that I don’t like it when he doesn’t trust me based on something SOMEONE ELSE did (my parents were like that – it’s totally a sore spot for me). Most times I try to do what he asks me to do. Really hard. Most times he is right, and I like how he’s proud of me when I do what he says.

You would think that all the times I do (or don’t do) something that he asked me to (or not to) do, I should get credibility points or something. (I totally understand that my reasoning is flawed here because Loverman would be devastated if he found out I was fooling around on him – regardless of what he has told me in the past.)

He kept interjecting with “But” and giving me a reason why he didn’t trust me based upon a different someone else’s actions.

I got really upset, then he got really upset.

He left to get the sunroof switch.

He brought it back to me.

I could tell you the rest, but it’s long and boring. I was being a douche and so was he. We talked about uneven teeter-totters, trust and living together, broken marriages and futility.

None of it good, sadly. Or maybe it was, in the bigger picture.

This week he has been avoiding me, but I get it. He needs space and right now he is totally overwhelmed with life kicking him in the ass. The last thing he needs is a selfish girlfriend telling him she needs more validation.

I miss him, but every single year in June this shit happens with us. So, this year I am going to try and let it blow over and appreciate my alone time to sit back and reflect.

taking-a-break

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Loverman’s Wife (aka Diva)…

Loverman’s Wife (aka Diva)…

…is a 48-year-old “woman” who…diva

…hasn’t paid the mortgage on her house in over 9 months. Her house is in her name and her name only. When Loverman asked her about the foreclosure letters that came in the mail last month she told him it wasn’t any of his business and that she’s a grown woman and can take care of herself.

…hasn’t paid the cable or internet bill in over 3 months and now both have been disconnected. These are also responsibilities that she has taken upon herself and refuses to let Loverman help out with.

…has a 13-year-old son and has no idea who the baby-daddy is.

…does not make her 13-year-old son go to school. EVER!!! This is the second year now that boy has not been MADE to go to school. Last year (2012-2013) her son didn’t attend even one single day of school between the months of October and February. That boy had to attend summer school in order to move up to the next grade and was told that if he pulled that stunt again next year (right now) he would be held back a year with NO chance to make up time in summer school. Period. This year, Diva’s son went to school September through the end of October and has not attended a single day since. When Loverman tries to talk to Diva’s son about how important an education is, Diva tells Loverman to mind his own business.

…does not buy any groceries for her 13-year-old son and leaves him alone for 4-6 days at a time. When Loverman asks if he can help, again Diva tells him that her son isn’t HIS son and to mind his own business. When she finally does come home, she spoils her son with fast food and video games (which he can’t play because their internet has been shut off for nonpayment)… and then takes off for another week.

…goes out clubbing on those 4-6 nights a week and posts pictures every single time on her Facebook page (she posts them publicly, like an idiot, so I can see everything she does *leSigh*). Very young boys men come to her house at all hours of the day and night to hang out with her in her bedroom and take her to clubs. If they see Loverman working on a car in front of the house, they make a u-turn in the street and drive away. 5 minutes later, Diva is rocking her clubbing outfit and getting in her car to drive away.

diva flower

Loverman has nowhere to go. He doesn’t have enough money to get himself his own place and is just keeping his stuff at Diva’s house until the bank forecloses on it and kicks them both out. Then, he and I will have some serious financial juggling and life adjusting to do. She will probably lose her house about the same time this year as I decide to send Mr. Gloom-n-Doom packing — we always have weird coincidences like that.

I don’t like to talk about Loverman’s wife. That’s why you haven’t heard any of this before. She totally pisses me off! But I think you should at least know what I know about her.

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Cash Cow

Cash Cow

cartoon cash cowLately I have been feeling like all I am is a big bag of money to the people in my life.

When do *I* get the payoff? Is there one? Am I looking in the wrong place?
You’re going to tell me that I’ve already seen the payoff, right?
Why do I have to be so ready and willing to ‘help’ people?
It’s not really help if I have to do it over and over and over and over again, is it? Then I’m just enabling them, right? And I become the doormat…
Why can’t anyone tell me that I am more to them than a dollar sign? Why do I need to hear it? How can they show me?
If I am giving money away, shouldn’t I just be happy that my ‘friends’ are happy?

It mostly makes me sad because I am pretty sure that none of them would be there for me financially if I needed them to be; especially not Loverman. He does all sorts of things for me, but I don’t think he will ever be able to take care of me monetarily.
Is that something I truly need?
I want someone in my life who meets my expectations; who cares for me on my terms.
Or, do I need that?
How does one find ‘it’? I thought I had, but I have been questioning myself on that lately.
Should I wear this sign on my chest:

I am so lost right now. Struggling with a broken marriage that I just want to run away from but I can’t figure out how (maybe it has to do with the fact that my cash keeps flowing out of my bank account instead of in). A friend of mine told me last Friday that I need to either “buck it up and deal. Just stop bitching about it!” or “get rid of what brings you the unhappiness. You know how, you’re just refusing to see it“.

Beautifulmess7, it looks like I need to work harder on that list of yours 😉
#4 is going to be the death of me!

Another 19 Years

Another 19 Years

It’s another 19-year milestone! YAY!! (not!)

It’s not one that I am happy about or proud of, but this past Monday marked the beginning of my 20th year of spending eternity with The Husband (previously referred to as: Mr. Doom-n-Gloom). It was even more awkward because I had the day off from work in observance of Veteran’s Day…

It was the anniversary of our 19th year together and do you know what we did to celebrate? Not a fucking thing!
Do you know where we went? No fucking where.
Not really a surprise, though. Neither one of us are really “into” this “marriage-thing” any more (and like I have stated before: I don’t think The Husband ever was).

I made him caramel rolls from scratch for breakfast and I was the one who cooked the family dinner that day. Normally he is the one who makes dinner… I cleaned up the kitchen and then tried to stay away from his stupid, pouty ass for the afternoon (in case this was going to be “one of those days” that seem to come more and more frequently). I didn’t buy him anything or get him something physical — he’s so difficult to shop for now that we have lost touch with each other completely. Every once in a while I can find something that’s really “up his alley”, but usually those things are very expensive and I would rather drop that kind of money on my daughters — so I make him things that he doesn’t get to have regularly.

He bought me a coffee mug with 3 packets of Chai Tea and a Christmas Cactus. He gave them to me last Saturday morning. The tea was good, the mug was cute, the plant was okay — but he always gets me plants off the sale rack, then they die (is that a sign?).

I feel like I am downplaying his gifts and uplifting mine (I probably am — but this is MY blog, right?) but I liked what he gave me (except maybe for the plant that will die soon ;)). It was inexpensive and a little bit thoughtful. I am thankful.

I said “Happy Anniversary” twice (once when he got home from work in the morning and once when he woke up and I gave him his caramel rolls). He didn’t say it at all.

NOT ONCE did we come into physical contact with each other.

I guess that I can be happy with the fact that I have stayed married to this stinky, lazy, incompetent, immature, emotionally-vacant, inconsiderate, self-centered son of a bitch for 20 mother-fucking years! That’s a long-ass time to stay with a husband who won’t fuck you more than once every 12 months, or so! (it’s been almost 3 years this time, but that’s because I stopped caring about it or trying to get him to want me)

Go, Me!

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