Smitten with Him

grown-up stuff happens here sometimes

Lunch

Holy Fuck! This is supposed to be a blog about my Adventures in Infidelity, but I have been so consumed emotionally with work that I can barely think about anything else.

I need to get the fuck out of this place and here is why:

Crazy Girl at work offered to take Boss Lady to lunch today.

Boss Lady accepted.

I can’t help but worry that it’s because they want to talk about me behind my back.

Maybe they’re going out to lunch with my Caregiver so all 3 of them can bitch about what a cunt I am.

It sure would be nice if I didn’t feel that way.

It would be a lot easier to do my job if I wasn’t constantly worrying about my co-workers going out of their way to find my mistakes (electronic, verbal and emotional).

I completely understand that the world doesn’t revolve around me.

And I am trying not to think about it.

But, the truth is, I fucking care about what other people think and (especially) what they are saying about me behind my back.

I want to, but I can’t shut it off.

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Words About My Weekend

I have all sorts of thoughts racing around in my head. If this is fragmented, I apologize. It’s just my frustrated thoughts.

The trip to my Caregiver last Friday night went much worse than I expected. *sigh*

Like every other time when I go to buy my stuff from her, I gave my Caregiver a hug right away, put my money on the counter, and asked her for what I wanted.

This time she said, “I don’t think so, Hita. Not right now. First I think we need to talk about what’s been going on at work the last couple of weeks. I’m really upset with the way you’ve been treating my daughter .”

The look on her face and the tone in her voice led me to believe that she was going to be cutting me off.

I asked if I could sit down and take off my jacket (I wanted to get comfortable for the rest of my “talking to”, and I also wanted to listen to what she had to say because I really respect this woman). She told me to make myself comfortable and then asked me if I wanted a glass of water.

“No, thank you.” I responded.

Before I went over to her house, I expected that she was going to want to talk with me about how things are going at work; about my interactions with her daughter. I actually wanted to talk to my Caregiver about it and see if there is a different way that I can approach her daughter.

I also hoped that maybe she wanted to hear my side of the story.

She didn’t, at least not until all of the very worst things had been said.

I am an idiot to have thought that initially would want to hear my side of the story. According to her daughter, I had been a complete ogre to her for the last two weeks.

My Caregiver proceeded to stand in front of me and tell me all the things wrong that I had said to her daughter.

The Off-the-Chain-Crazy-Girl that I work with has been lying to people outside of my normal circle (yet whom I still respect) about what I am saying to her. Apparently, I told the Crazy Girl that I don’t want to be best friends any more (???), and I told her she treats me just as badly as she treats her boyfriend (every time he makes her unhappy she threatens to leave him, then she fucks him later to ‘make it right’ – I would be happy if she left me!).

I never said a single one of those things to Crazy Girl.

I guess I make the poor girl cry every single day and now all the people in my office can’t stand being around me because of it. The exact words from my Caregiver’s mouth were, “Nobody in your office likes you right now.”

My heart fell out of my chest onto the floor and I think I stopped breathing. I thought that most of the people I worked with, the 5 agents in the office, liked me just fine. Boss-Lady gave me my annual review just last week and told me that I was doing really well working with the people around me and is proud of my improvement.

In my head, I was ready to put my jacket back on and leave. But, like I said, I respect this woman. She has helped me through some difficult emotional times and I appreciate her straightforward point of view — and I really REALLY wanted to buy my drugs(!!!).

Eventually, after she had broken me down to the point of trembling and barely being able to breathe, she let me defend myself.

I told her that I understood her protecting her daughter and I appreciated it because I have daughters, too.

I explained that I never said those things to her daughter. Not once. Ever.

I said that Crazy Girl has a tendency to take things very personally when I am simply being professional. I explained that I have been a trainer at several of my past jobs and have NEVER had these kinds of problems when I am trying to teach someone something.

It’s like Crazy Girl is holding me responsible because she feels stupid when she finds out how simple the thing was… You know? She even calls herself an idiot after I help her. *I* don’t.

My Caregiver heard everything I had to say and apologized for hurting my feelings and bringing up the whole thing.

But she had to. In order for our relationship to survive, she had to concede a small bit and I had to listen to an hour of slander.

It hurt and I am SO glad that I had today off (Columbus Day, bank holiday).

I don’t think it was a long enough time to erase the hurtful things I heard on Friday night. I will just have to hunker down and work on the budgets and try not to think about the lies that my crazy co-worker is telling about me behind my back. *sigh*

I don’t know how to be anyone else but myself…

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Saturday night, right after I parked my truck at the skating rink, my friend ‘Amy’ knocked on the passenger window and asked if she could get in. She needed to talk.

I unlocked the door. She sat down next to me, closed the door and started to cry.

She told me that, about a month ago she got herself involved with Sexy Skaterman. She had just broken up with him that morning.

It turns out that she couldn’t handle all of his sexy talking to other women (and sexy touching). Even when he told her that he was “just talking to them, baby. It’s nothing.”

Last Thursday night, someone approached Amy and told her that she shouldn’t get involved with Sexy Skaterman because he was a player.

That, along with him touching some other woman all night Friday while they were supposed to be on a date, made her rethink her “relationship” with him! Then, he took her home and acted like it was no big deal.

She couldn’t handle it and broke up with him. She was glad to see that I showed up to go skating Saturday night because she didn’t know if she would have been able to make it by herself.

I had no idea this woman was involved with that asshole.

But, apparently Loverman knew all about it.

And when I told him about it later while we were talking on the phone, Loverman said, “I told you I didn’t like that guy. I know he’s a player. If I ever find out that you slept with him, you will be SO sorry. I get so angry when I see you talking to him.”

First, I guess I’m glad that I didn’t sleep with Skaterman.

Second, I am kind of grateful to see that Loverman is finally claiming some kind of ‘possession’ of me.

Third, what he said really hurt me. I can’t figure out where I am at with Loverman. He’s very jealous and scared that I will fuck someone else, but he practically throws me into their arms with his vocal and blatant lack of trust.

I tried to reassure him by saying, “I’m not going to fuck Skaterman. I know what kind of douchebag he is and I am glad I haven’t fallen under his spell. I just wish that you could hear me when I tell you that my heart is all yours. I wish you could see it. It breaks my heart when you tell me how much I don’t care about you.”

Loverman wouldn’t hear me. He was blinded by jealousy and focused on the fact that he thinks (rather, he knows) I am definitely going to fuck Skaterman (which I am not).

I got upset with him and asked him to change the subject. I told him that it would be a lot easier for me to NOT screw around on him if he wasn’t constantly telling me he knows I’m going to.

When he gets like that I can’t talk to him. He’s completely blinded by jealousy and rage at all of his exes.

But, instead of getting my feathers ruffled this time (because he is partly right about me), I let him be angry with me for potentially cheating on him with someone I didn’t. Even though I could have because Loverman is always telling me I am going to anyway.

I realize the last paragraph was practically unintelligible. I just hope you could understand what I am trying to say…

And I haven’t even had a single drink since the bottle of wine when I got home Friday.

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Sweet, Sweet Hook-Up

It’s not what you think 😉wispy_smoke

After work tonight I get to go over to my Caregiver’s house (aka: drug dealer or pharmacy) and pick up my “stash” for the month!

But I have totally mixed feelings about it.

Good = I really, really like her company and I love the cannabis she grows.

Bad = her daughter is the Off-the-Chain-Crazy-Girl that I work with.

I am totally excited to go because I am completely out of weed and have been experiencing a higher-than-normal anxiety level for the last month or so (which is why I am out of weed) and she told me that she had a great harvest!

I am totally worried to go because I have no idea what her daughter has told her about what’s been happening at work (not that it should matter anyway. I was my Caregiver’s friend before I worked with her daughter, but I know how mother/daughter relationships can be).

Oh, well. Whatever happens, happens. I can only hope that her daughter isn’t actually over there when I am.

I like her son though…

LOL!

Happy Friday!

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It’s The Thought That Counts

Marijuana-Leaf

You may already have deduced this, but I am a chronic weed smoker. Been that way for over 20 years. Kids know, parents don’t.

I smoke it to calm my anxiety. It’s like my Xanax. It has been that way my entire adult life. I also have a seizure disorder, so I smoke to avoid some of that bullshit. Seizures suck — for me and all the people around when it happens (and I totally hate the way prescription seizure meds make me feel. Been there. Done that).

I live in Colorado, where it’s now 100% legal for 21+ and has been medically legal since before I moved here 7.5 years ago.

I have a Caregiver who grows some of the most mind-blowing buds you will ever smoke. She is totally awesome. Not only is she my medical-marijuana Caregiver, she’s like the mom I always wish mine was. Once a month I go over to her house and pick up my “prescription” and we have a mini-therapy session. I love that woman!

It’s very likely that the amount of pot I smoke in a day would fuck most of you up for the better part of a week. Every once in a while, I skip a few days and let the THC and Cannabanoid levels in my body lower, but not very often. It’s very rare you will find me without marijuana on my person in some form.

I love the feeling of serenity and inner peace that I feel when I am high. It also helps me to focus my scattering thoughts on just one thing. And, unlike alcohol, it does not lower my inhibitions. I’m just sane(r).

There are times when you can tell that I am stoned and there are times when you would never, ever suspect. I have been high for so long that my coping mechanism, in this aspect, is quite impressive.

Anyway… The point of my telling you all of this is so I could tell you a very short and sweet story-within-a-story.

Last Thursday night was an amazing date night for me with Loverman. I tried something new and acted a little differently on the advice of a new friend.

When we left each other Friday morning, Loverman said to me, “There’s something for you in your truck. But don’t look for it, it will ruin the surprise! Let me tell you about it later today.”

OMG! How cute, right? So, I said, with a twinkle in my eye, “Okay, baby. I will try not to look, but if I find it on accident don’t be mad.”

“Mamacita!” (he calls me that all the time) “You better not. I want it to be a surprise. You would never find it on accident.”

I did what I was told and I didn’t look for it (much) and I definitely didn’t find anything.

At 4:45PM I received the following text:

Your surprise is in the driver’s door. It’s a small baggie. This guy didn’t want to go into work with it so he gave it to me to throw away.

I honestly think my face actually lit up! It’s bit deviant, but how totally sweet! At his security job he confiscated someone’s bag of weed and then he saved it for me!

When I got home I checked the door where he said and found a tiny bag of shake. I suspected that it was going to be pretty bad stuff but I really didn’t care because he thought of me!

I responded:

You’re so sweet! Sometimes you amaze the hell out of me. I love my surprise!

Because I did. Super-bad-ditch-weed or not.

You know why it’s even more of a surprise? Because Loverman has been trying to get me to stop smoking pot since he met me.

While we were on our sk8venture last November, we got into a pretty big disagreement (for us. We hardly ever disagree. 6 years and 3 ‘fights’) and I was wound tight as a spring. As we finished up our heated discussion in his truck and got ready to go into the hotel, I told him I needed to smoke up to calm down and I asked if he wanted to join me. He said, “No, babe, but you are more than welcome. Just don’t stay out here too long” then he went inside.

When I got back to the room he was lying in bed watching something on TV and I asked if I could get into bed with him. I was relaxed and apologized for the crazy-me from earlier and we made up…

I should have just told him I needed to get high earlier and I think we could have avoided an entire night of stress, but he didn’t want me to be doing drugs so I was trying not to.

I think that’s when he started to understand more about why I smoke it and just accept the fact that I do. Frequently when I am with him I am high, but I have never smoked in front of him.

It turned out to be super-bad-ditch-weed. LOL! But I don’t give a shit.

Because it really is the thought that counts.

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