Smitten with Him

grown-up stuff happens here sometimes

My Stolen Self


I hate you for stealing me from myself

I am so broken that all I can see is the ugly in people

Taking advantage of those who are generous

Lying, cheating and stealing to get what they want

Or to hurt someone deeply

Intentionally

And I am becoming that person

I’ve lost my trust

My willingness to help

It’s so hard to be nice

To remember that everyone has a story I don’t know

My heart used to be eager

Innocent

But it’s dead now

Or maybe in a coma

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Remember Mitch?

Probably not, right?

I first introduced him quite a while ago: Coyness is a Virtue?

Then there was my post Work and Sex Don’t Mix?

Mitch is 58. He tells me all the time that he never messes around with women that much younger than him (I am 14 years his junior), that he doesn’t want to get into another complicated “relationship” and that I should be “trying to find a man closer to [my] age”. But he kinda looks after me in a very fatherly type of way. It’s been 6 months since we started messing around and it’s been nearly a year where he calls me almost every, single day.

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Words About My Weekend

I have all sorts of thoughts racing around in my head. If this is fragmented, I apologize. It’s just my frustrated thoughts.

The trip to my Caregiver last Friday night went much worse than I expected. *sigh*

Like every other time when I go to buy my stuff from her, I gave my Caregiver a hug right away, put my money on the counter, and asked her for what I wanted.

This time she said, “I don’t think so, Hita. Not right now. First I think we need to talk about what’s been going on at work the last couple of weeks. I’m really upset with the way you’ve been treating my daughter .”

The look on her face and the tone in her voice led me to believe that she was going to be cutting me off.

I asked if I could sit down and take off my jacket (I wanted to get comfortable for the rest of my “talking to”, and I also wanted to listen to what she had to say because I really respect this woman). She told me to make myself comfortable and then asked me if I wanted a glass of water.

“No, thank you.” I responded.

Before I went over to her house, I expected that she was going to want to talk with me about how things are going at work; about my interactions with her daughter. I actually wanted to talk to my Caregiver about it and see if there is a different way that I can approach her daughter.

I also hoped that maybe she wanted to hear my side of the story.

She didn’t, at least not until all of the very worst things had been said.

I am an idiot to have thought that initially would want to hear my side of the story. According to her daughter, I had been a complete ogre to her for the last two weeks.

My Caregiver proceeded to stand in front of me and tell me all the things wrong that I had said to her daughter.

The Off-the-Chain-Crazy-Girl that I work with has been lying to people outside of my normal circle (yet whom I still respect) about what I am saying to her. Apparently, I told the Crazy Girl that I don’t want to be best friends any more (???), and I told her she treats me just as badly as she treats her boyfriend (every time he makes her unhappy she threatens to leave him, then she fucks him later to ‘make it right’ – I would be happy if she left me!).

I never said a single one of those things to Crazy Girl.

I guess I make the poor girl cry every single day and now all the people in my office can’t stand being around me because of it. The exact words from my Caregiver’s mouth were, “Nobody in your office likes you right now.”

My heart fell out of my chest onto the floor and I think I stopped breathing. I thought that most of the people I worked with, the 5 agents in the office, liked me just fine. Boss-Lady gave me my annual review just last week and told me that I was doing really well working with the people around me and is proud of my improvement.

In my head, I was ready to put my jacket back on and leave. But, like I said, I respect this woman. She has helped me through some difficult emotional times and I appreciate her straightforward point of view — and I really REALLY wanted to buy my drugs(!!!).

Eventually, after she had broken me down to the point of trembling and barely being able to breathe, she let me defend myself.

I told her that I understood her protecting her daughter and I appreciated it because I have daughters, too.

I explained that I never said those things to her daughter. Not once. Ever.

I said that Crazy Girl has a tendency to take things very personally when I am simply being professional. I explained that I have been a trainer at several of my past jobs and have NEVER had these kinds of problems when I am trying to teach someone something.

It’s like Crazy Girl is holding me responsible because she feels stupid when she finds out how simple the thing was… You know? She even calls herself an idiot after I help her. *I* don’t.

My Caregiver heard everything I had to say and apologized for hurting my feelings and bringing up the whole thing.

But she had to. In order for our relationship to survive, she had to concede a small bit and I had to listen to an hour of slander.

It hurt and I am SO glad that I had today off (Columbus Day, bank holiday).

I don’t think it was a long enough time to erase the hurtful things I heard on Friday night. I will just have to hunker down and work on the budgets and try not to think about the lies that my crazy co-worker is telling about me behind my back. *sigh*

I don’t know how to be anyone else but myself…

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Saturday night, right after I parked my truck at the skating rink, my friend ‘Amy’ knocked on the passenger window and asked if she could get in. She needed to talk.

I unlocked the door. She sat down next to me, closed the door and started to cry.

She told me that, about a month ago she got herself involved with Sexy Skaterman. She had just broken up with him that morning.

It turns out that she couldn’t handle all of his sexy talking to other women (and sexy touching). Even when he told her that he was “just talking to them, baby. It’s nothing.”

Last Thursday night, someone approached Amy and told her that she shouldn’t get involved with Sexy Skaterman because he was a player.

That, along with him touching some other woman all night Friday while they were supposed to be on a date, made her rethink her “relationship” with him! Then, he took her home and acted like it was no big deal.

She couldn’t handle it and broke up with him. She was glad to see that I showed up to go skating Saturday night because she didn’t know if she would have been able to make it by herself.

I had no idea this woman was involved with that asshole.

But, apparently Loverman knew all about it.

And when I told him about it later while we were talking on the phone, Loverman said, “I told you I didn’t like that guy. I know he’s a player. If I ever find out that you slept with him, you will be SO sorry. I get so angry when I see you talking to him.”

First, I guess I’m glad that I didn’t sleep with Skaterman.

Second, I am kind of grateful to see that Loverman is finally claiming some kind of ‘possession’ of me.

Third, what he said really hurt me. I can’t figure out where I am at with Loverman. He’s very jealous and scared that I will fuck someone else, but he practically throws me into their arms with his vocal and blatant lack of trust.

I tried to reassure him by saying, “I’m not going to fuck Skaterman. I know what kind of douchebag he is and I am glad I haven’t fallen under his spell. I just wish that you could hear me when I tell you that my heart is all yours. I wish you could see it. It breaks my heart when you tell me how much I don’t care about you.”

Loverman wouldn’t hear me. He was blinded by jealousy and focused on the fact that he thinks (rather, he knows) I am definitely going to fuck Skaterman (which I am not).

I got upset with him and asked him to change the subject. I told him that it would be a lot easier for me to NOT screw around on him if he wasn’t constantly telling me he knows I’m going to.

When he gets like that I can’t talk to him. He’s completely blinded by jealousy and rage at all of his exes.

But, instead of getting my feathers ruffled this time (because he is partly right about me), I let him be angry with me for potentially cheating on him with someone I didn’t. Even though I could have because Loverman is always telling me I am going to anyway.

I realize the last paragraph was practically unintelligible. I just hope you could understand what I am trying to say…

And I haven’t even had a single drink since the bottle of wine when I got home Friday.

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Do you expect honesty?

This lovely post ❤ by The Woman Invisible got me to thinking about affairs and trust and how I cannot be trusted. Not even by Loverman.

… … … … … …

I don’t expect honesty from Loverman, he just gives it to me (I think…). I have no reason to believe that he has lied to me or cheated on me, but if he did I don’t think I would be able to say anything… We have had a lot of talks about jealousy. He has a huge green monster lurking inside of him that he denies. Every girl he has been with, has cheated on him — to the point where he actually caught all of them in the act. I believe him. There’s no reason for me not to.

However, in regards to trusting me… There was a 4-month period when Loverman refused to talk to me; he wouldn’t return my calls or respond to emails, voicemails or texts. It was after we had only been together for about 16 months – almost 6 years ago now… I was an absolute mess; completely attached to him and feeling abandoned by the side of the road. I was trying to hook-up with strangers on Craig’s List and Ashley Madison; I was going out to bars and getting drunk, trying to get someone to fuck me. I ended up with 1 one-night-stand and a FWB situation that did not turn out well. I know that this is the kind of person that I am…

I am not trying to justify my cheating behavior, but I am saying that (in my case) there is truth to the statement “once a cheater, always a cheater”. Even now, when I think about fucking around I am doing it to get back at my husband and parents. I don’t want to hurt Loverman, but I want to hurt the hell out of my husband and I want to disappoint the hell out of my parents.

When I read it here, it sounds insane…

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Therapy

For the last week, I have been hearing ALL OVER that if you are cheating on your spouse you need to get therapy. In theory, I do not disagree. I do need therapy,  but not because I am a cheater.

I really don’t think it will help my marriage. First off, my husband won’t actually change. If two near death experiences haven’t changed him, then fuck if therapy will! Second off, in order for it to work for me I would have to want to stay married to him – I don’t. At this point

  1. I am staying with him because we can’t afford the divorce
  2. I can’t afford the freaking alimony I will have to pay(or “spousal maintenance” so my lazy-ass spouse won’t even have to try after I’ve left him <sigh>)
  3. To be truthful I don’t want my teenage daughters to see me give up on their dad while they are in high school. On top of all the teen drama, I don’t want them to have to worry about their homeless father

(he has never paid a bill in his life – before we got married he was a creditors NIGHTMARE! Things haven’t changed. I have tried giving him the responsibility, but he doesn’t pay and then I have to play catch-up. Like I said before, he was in the hospital’s ICU for two weeks in February and he hasn’t even thought about paying THAT bill! His specialist doctor is telling him he has to pay soon or he will not be able to call in refills on his prescriptions! <sigh>).

When we first started dating and eventually got married, I will admit that I was a total flake, too. We got kicked out of two apartments!

  1. We had just gotten married and we were both just plain irresponsible
  2. We were stupid with our limited money and chose to pay for frivolous things.

The second time, my youngest daughter was 1-month-old and we were evicted from our MN apartment on New Years Day!!!! Incident #2 opened my eyes completely. I became responsible with money: opened a savings account in my name for emergencies, opened up all the bills in my name and started paying them all on time, tried to build better credit by getting a credit card and paying it off every month. In this, I started seeing that I was the only one that had learned from these life-altering experiences. After a while, this really became a point of contention for me. I am not resentful that I had to grow up and he did not, I am resentful that I don’t have a PARTNER that CONTRIBUTES 50% – and I am not even talking monetarily. (to be fair, I understand that a relationship is not going to technically be 50/50)

I want him to get therapy so he can help himself. I want him to learn how to take care of himself physically, fiscally and emotionally. I want him to grow up so, as adults, my daughters don’t constantly feel obligated to check on him like he’s completely helpless (in life, that will happen soon enough anyway, why does he have to make it happen so much earlier?).

I want me to get therapy so I can get over the resentment I feel for him and have a healthy relationship with him as a responsible adult who happens to be the father of my children. I want to be able to think that the time I spent with him wasn’t a total waste of my life.

It is my understanding that therapy only works if a person thinks there is a problem. HE HAS TO WANT TO CHANGE and think his behavior is wrong (for the record, I know that cheating is wrong). He has told me way too many times that he’s going to change, just to go back to the old habits two months later – even knowing that those bad habits are what is killing him!

That was a lot of words and thoughts all jammed into this post. Hopefully it all makes sense. I am frustrated and hurt and incredibly disappointed that the man I chose to spend the rest of my life with did not choose to grow along with me. Will therapy really help that?

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How do YOU feel when you see her?…

I was inspired to write this post by “Being Her, (the other woman)…” Most of it is a comment I wrote to her…

My husband completely gave up on our marriage when I was working two jobs almost 5 years ago. He just stopped. He didn’t cheat, he just stopped taking care of himself completely and, in that, stopped taking care of me. I was the one who cheated. I found someone who would cherish me and to take actual care of me and my needs. I had no idea how good that would make me feel. I had no idea…

Being with my lover taught me all about appreciation and not taking things for granted. We have been together now for 4 years and I appreciate him every time I see him. When I am angry at him, I take a step back and ask myself if I am being selfish and if I am truly mad at him for the right reason. So far, with all of the time that we DO get to spend together, we have only had 3 fights – 2 were actually devastating to me and helped me look inward and learn about my struggles with need, want and intimacy.

SO, I guess MY answer to the question about my lover’s wife: I get JEALOUS as hell (and sad, too)! I feel that way because she has the most wonderful and loving man, right under her nose, and she treats him like garbage. It makes me so sad to think that, instead of being treated with the respect and adoration he deserves from his m***-f***ing LIFE PARTNER he has to return to sarcasm and double-entendres each time he returns home. She strikes me as a crabby, frustrated lady that only expects him to do things for her, not thankful at all for his everlasting patience or his light heart and spirit. She doesn’t even notice when he does something “special” for her. And maybe because I don’t get to be with him all the time, I appreciate him so much more…

I am sorry to my children that I have stayed in my loveless marriage. I worry every day: what kind of person are they going to choose to spend the rest of their life with? When they are 40 will they feel like they have completely been sucked dry by their spouse, too?

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