Smitten with Him

grown-up stuff happens here sometimes

My Catfish

I don’t even know where to begin with this one…

First, I guess I could start by unprotecting and re-sharing my last two posts about him:

When I wrote those posts, I had already driven to Colorado Springs to meet My Catfish, proving that he was NOT in fact a catfish, but a real live person with real live intentions.

During our nearly-6-months-long-chat leading up to said meeting, he shared with me some things about himself I thought I could be okay with. Most of them I was… But, when he told me he was overweight, I underestimated what he meant by “overweight”.

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I Should Have Sent the Original (aka The ‘Conversation’ We Had Instead)

I think what you read about “ritual” is somewhat valid. The reason that I spent so much time on your neck yesterday was to reestablish your place. I am not sure that it needs to be at a particular time or place during our play. Last week was very different in that I gave you a break from the pain in so far as whipping or the bondage since you nearly freaked out the week before. You were more lover than sub, just to remind you that I am fair and not just here to torture you. If you are not of sound mind and body you are not much “good” to me. I have no desire for you to fear me. Your submission comes from respect. I welcome your suggestions on how I might win your submission more readily.

The pattern of what we do during play time is mostly the same. The difference is the positions and toys or tools. Here is the part where I don’t agree with “ritual”. If you get the same thing every time, then you expect it. I don’t think you should be able to anticipate what I will have in store for you next. You are supposed to be here for my pleasure. That should mean whatever I wish to do as well as whenever I wish to do it.

And as far as your libido, I will take care of that for you. Your imagination doesn’t have to be great either. It is my place to stimulate you and find new ways to take charge of your orgasms. Whether it be bring you to the edge of orgasm and deny it, or to give you more than you think you are capable of. I can take you to the point of mere mention of my touch will make you creamy, or a simple touch will make you shudder uncontrollably. Then, Daddy’s girl will know who she belongs to.

The response I probably should have sent is HERE

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Too Much Too Soon

Why can’t I ease into things?

Mick has a girlfriend. I thought I could be okay with that.

More importantly, he thought he could be okay with that.

It turns out that neither of us is okay with that because, well, feelings…

Goddamn feelings!

I’ve brought them up already with him a couple of times.

After spending our second night together last Thursday, Mick took great care of me. When he finished whipping my back, he rubbed oil into the lashings. After he was finished torturing my nipples, he kissed them with his sweet, warm lips and caressed them with his tongue.

And I fell asleep curled in his arms, just as I like.

Since last Friday I’ve had these fucking feelings:

I like Mick. I want to do things with him. Things other than have him smack me around and fuck me.

It would be nice if we could walk across a parking lot, holding hands, without him thinking he just saw his girlfriend’s car drive by.

Or if we could talk outside anywhere without him worrying that we’ll see someone he knows.

He’s having feelings about all that, too.  Along with feeling conflicted because he’s starting to care about me and doesn’t feel as comfortable physically hurting someone he cares about.

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Today It’s Really Hard

Thursday night I received a text from Alaska out of nowhere. It had been 6 days since my 10PM panicked call to him while I was trying to sort out what happened with MM. When he didn’t follow up with me afterward, I wasn’t surprised (I was kind of hoping he wouldn’t anyway) – it’s not like I left him a voicemail or sent him a text or anything…

Friday night he messaged me again, asking what I was doing. I was on my way to a date so I told him I was going to dinner (no lies this time). Alaska was doing laundry… It was a quick and simple conversation.

Saturday he was quiet, so I figured he had given up..
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My Very Brief Weekend Dating “Adventure”

OnlineDating2

Last Wednesday I received the sweetest note on FetLife. The subject was “Interested, so very interested”. The message that followed was so charming I checked out his profile.

He’s only 26. Not much there for a profile, but I don’t have much either. Just pictures, and only one kind of with my face.

He didn’t have any pics posted online, but he addressed that in his note:

The way I see it being loud is like cheer leading, lets me know I’m doing a good job, and you can break as much of my skin as you like 😉
Hi, I’m “RS” (short for Rock Star) and I’m hoping that we can get to know each other.
What kinds of things are you into (both vanilla and kink)
I don’t have any pictures on my profile right now, but if you’re interested I can send you some via email or KIK.

Note: Rock Star is not his name on FetLife

I responded. He sent pics. He was gorgeous. We emailed a couple more times and then exchanged numbers. He’s new at the kink thing and so am I. We had common interests in rope/bondage, wax play, switching and also similar personalities and interests outside of the bedroom.

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Remember Mitch?

Probably not, right?

I first introduced him quite a while ago: Coyness is a Virtue?

Then there was my post Work and Sex Don’t Mix?

Mitch is 58. He tells me all the time that he never messes around with women that much younger than him (I am 14 years his junior), that he doesn’t want to get into another complicated “relationship” and that I should be “trying to find a man closer to [my] age”. But he kinda looks after me in a very fatherly type of way. It’s been 6 months since we started messing around and it’s been nearly a year where he calls me almost every, single day.

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All the Questions I Could Have Asked…

…instead of acting like a giddy schoolgirl

What’s your favorite color?

What day is your birthday?

Do you like pizza? Sushi? Wine? Red or White?

There are plenty more, I’m sure. (please feel free to add some.)

any-questions

I actually managed to work in some actual questions and relatively articulate conversation (I think). I was so nervous I was shaking almost the entire time. I don’t know WTF was wrong with me.

Now that I think about it, maybe it was excitement. I really liked him.

First, he texted me that he had already arrived. Oh my gosh! He was 10 minutes early.

I was almost there so I wasn’t worried about that part. But, there was construction going on in the parking lot and I had to circle the building once. Then, when I parked, I couldn’t find the entrance to the sidewalk because it was all blocked off for construction.

As I was walking between a couple of cars to get to the sidewalk, I hear, “Hey,” and looked around but didn’t see anyone. There was another “Hey”. I knew he was there but I didn’t see him. He waved and then I saw him across the way from me. I would have run up to meet him like I mentioned to him earlier, but I was wearing pointy-heeled boots and I didn’t want to make a fool out of myself.

So, I sexily strode across to him (at least I tried) and greeted him face-to-face. I really was shaking at this point, or shivering… I don’t know. Ask him. It was crazy. No one has affected me like that before. Not that intensely right away.

We kissed. I wanted that so badly. To feel that acceptance.

I could feel my body trembling and Mr. X asked me if I wanted to wait outside with him and take a few minutes to relax. He leaned up on the side of his car and asked me to lean onto him. Again, exactly what I wanted.

I tried to relax as I leaned my body onto his. I looked up into his eyes. I rested my head on his chest. I felt comfortable. Warm. Nice. But I was still shaking like crazy – it was a beautiful afternoon, I wasn’t cold!

We stood outside, hugging, kissing, getting comfortable for probably 10 minutes when I finally decided I was ready to go inside.

We ordered and sat down at a table in the sun. The construction was quiet when we sat down.

Mr. X set up the umbrella over our table and we talked for a while.

I made the complete wrong choice. It was a lovely day, but I was face-forward to the the sun and was trying to look Mr. X in the face. It made it hard to listen and focus. And I really wanted to.

Then the construction started again and it was getting dusty. Earlier Mr. X said something about how it might get dusty… I said (agreed), “This was a bad choice.”

He asked if I wanted to go inside.

I did. But, before we went back in, Mr. X said, “Wait.” He fiddled around in his pocked for a second and pulled out a rose.

It was lovely! I seriously can’t remember the last time a man gave me a flower.

So lovely that, in the process of finding a table inside, I think I tripped over like 3 things. While he was walking behind my clumsy ass! *sigh*

And I was pretty much a hot mess the entire time we were talking.

He said that, of 3 things that I was scared to tell him about, #1 and #2 had explanations and weren’t that big a deal to him, but #3, the one where I said I had a blog, had no explanation at all and he was very curious.

I told him it was pretty much a live journal kind of thing.

We talked about other stuff, but he persisted about the blog.

He gave me permission to talk about him (good, huh? 😉 )

I told him that I thought it would probably make things easier for both of us if I just let him read my blog.

The biggest truth about me is here.

Right before we left, he reached into his pocket again and pulled out another rose.

We said goodbye and kissed again in the parking lot. Let me just say, I want to kiss a lot more of him than just his lips.

Things went so well.

I was pleased.

And floating on cloud 9 when I got back to work.

Things went so fast with Mr. X, but it felt good.

Comfortable. But exciting!

He texted me later to remind me to send him my blog name.

I did. (I am scared to lay it all out there for him to see, but you guys still like me 😉 so I thought “What the hell?”)

During my commute home I had time to think about the entire date. How kind and patient Mr. X was with my nervousness and excitement. How he sensed the rise and fall of my emotions. Just thinking about it got me excited all over again. I tried to slow everything down in my head. I tried to pull out the thoughts that I was feeling while we were together.

I really enjoyed his company. When we were touching I felt more at ease, relaxed. Looking deep into his eyes is amazing!

I also chastised myself for being such a hot mess. I must have seemed like a complete lunatic. And he was so sweet to me the entire time (maybe because he felt bad for the crazy girl 😉 ).

On my way home I stopped at the library to pick up some CDs. While I was inside talking to the librarian, I got a call on my phone but didn’t look at it. I figured that it was one of my daughters calling to see why I was late and would call them back in a minute.

When I looked, I saw that it was a missed call from Mr. X.

How pleasant and unexpected!

I called him back right away and asked, “What’s up?”

“I just wanted to call you,” he answered. My heart melted.

We talked for a little over 15 minutes. It was comfortable. Just like lunch.

I can’t wait to meet again.

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