Smitten with Him

grown-up stuff happens here sometimes

People Change

There are a couple of posts from over a year ago – namely this one – that paint Alaska in a bad light… “we” were new and I was scared/timid and not able to communicate my feelings to him. So I communicated them here… It’s still scary for me to go back and read some of those words because it’s truly how I felt.

But, as our “old” relationship evolved, I got better at communicating with him…

As a matter of fact, I “broke up” with him on New Year’s Eve (2015) because I had expressed my feelings to him and he chose to ignore them.

AND, even after that, as we re-continued things, I was able to articulate all my feelings to him when the whole Amanda incident happened…

When I read that post now it still hurts, but I wonder if maybe Alaska was just as shocked about things as I was… I mean, we did just finish a whole orgasmic mutual masturbation thing… 😉 and were in our post-coital cuddling place… naked… and he made love to me three times after that…

 …and he with me (even though his communication is more non-verbal) – The Morning After

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Coincidence or a Sign from The Universe?

Image result for sign from the universe

Usually, when The Universe communicates with me it’s quite obvious.

Sometimes I listen.

Most times I don’t 😦

I’ve ignored the signs enough that, now, I don’t even know if I can recognize them.

Also, my life has been rather chaotic since I ended things with Jim/”Mick”

Excuses, excuses…

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My Amazing Aesthetician

Not only does she give a great Brazilian, she is very wise.

At all my appointments, we talk about the men in our lives (mostly mine, because she is more at peace with herself and her needs).

Last time, I mentioned I am getting frustrated with myself because I can’t figure out what/who I want.

I’m restless. Feeling old. I mentioned that I didn’t really want to reschedule another waxing next month because… what’s the point?

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What Do I Bring to the Table?

Strength_Weakness

I have been struggling to figure out what strengths I bring to a relationship. I know what *I* want and need, but what do I have to offer?

Everything I put on that list just seems plain fucking ‘cheesy’ to me:

  • I am a good cook/I can bake yummy things
  • I can take care of myself/be independent
  • I’m curious/adventurous
  • I take fairly good care of myself and am healthy
  • I’m a good teacher and good student (if it’s something I want to teach/learn)
  • I’m intelligent/articulate and want to communicate with my partner
  • I have a good sense of humor
  • I am (relatively) stable
  • I fancy myself to be good in the sack 😉

Are those actual things, or do I have the wrong idea?

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How Is It Free Will if I Have to Ask Permission?

You will talk to me about it and we will communicate. I simply want to know what’s going on.

Isn’t that how all relationships should be?

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Sharing Space and Mind

buddha_time

Last Thursday with Mick was better than wonderful.

(So far, we’ve had 3 overnights and have found time to see each other every Sunday afternoon as well. It’s not only sex with him. We talk almost once a day over the phone and are constantly emailing… At times I have to remind myself that this was how it started off with TC – that scalding flame burned out faster than the speed of light!)

I met Mick in the parking lot at our hotel after work.

After exchanging a prolific amount of hello kisses, he led me around to the back of his truck to show me something.

He had a tiny grill on the tailgate filled with hot coals. When I pulled up, he was just getting ready to put the salmon on.

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All Tied Up

Demons

Thursday night was practically perfect. Especially since it was only our first play time together.

Mick was perfectly evil and perfectly wonderful all at the same time.

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15 Ways…

15ways

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Making Up

TakeAway

Monday evening TC and I finally talked.

I didn’t want to go any longer without talking because every day that went by was making me panic more and more.

Also, there is the fact that I am supposed to be visiting him next Friday. That was freaking me out most of all.

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No News Is NOT Good News (aka: More Sh*t About Promises)

I haven’t heard a single word from (or of) Loserman since our text conversation 11 days ago.

He hasn’t posted any status updates on Facebook either.

And he definitely hasn’t sent me an email telling me what parts I need to order for him to fix my truck, Bear.

He hasn’t texted me or left me a voice-mail explaining what the fuck is going on!!

Of course not.

You know why?!?

Because the very last thing I asked him to do is COMMUNICATE with me!

LosermanText8

Why is it so hard?

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