I decided to step outside my ‘box’ and try something a little different for a change. It is too comfortable in my little closed-off world and I need to start “BECOMING”.
Becoming what, I don’t have a clue, but I have been hating myself for long enough for no good reason.
So, this past Wednesday night, I attended a local monthly Submissive Group.
I took a short grief quiz online a couple of weeks ago because this Loserman thing was making me nuts! I wish I could just throw the lovey-dovey, mushy-gushy feelings away — or possibly donate them to someone who needs them more than I do… But, today I feel closer to being over it than I did when I took that quiz. So, that’s something, right?
Anyway. I ramble…
The results of the quiz stated that I could be suffering from “complicated grief”.
I thought, WTF? Isn’t ALL grief complicated?
Mr. X broke up with me last night.
But he told me he still wants to be friends *sigh*
It hurts so much.
I shared more of myself with him than I have ever shared with anyone.
Even you guys.
I haven’t shared most of what happened between Mr. X and I with you all.
Regardless, I got quite attached to him as a result of transference.
Then he rejected me.
At least he had the decency to tell me.
At least he wasn’t like Loserman – Mr. X had the courage to tell me it’s ‘over’.
To my face.
At this point I’ll take my lumps over in the corner…
There’s actually a lot more, but I am only going to write about two of them right here and now.
sparkpeople.com is cool as hell!! I just found it last week and I have been using it to track my exercise and meals. It’s a little time consuming, but not bad. I am hoping it’s worth it. There are fitness articles and videos and support groups… I haven’t dug in very deep, I really just wanted it for the calorie tracking. All in all, I eat fairly healthy, my problem is on the weekends. Now that football season is over and I’m not eating Cheetos all day on Sunday, maybe that will help 😉
This weekend is going to be my first actual challenge to myself in a long time. I am going to try to avoid all junk (processed) food at all costs. I have a recipe for a microwave mug brownie, but I will only eat that in an extreme chocolate ’emergency’ 😉 It will be difficult because I have skating tomorrow (Saturday) night and then a skating b-day party Sunday afternoon with some of my “skate family”. I am going to be HUN-GRY!!! I will make sure that I have plenty of protein and fiber to keep me satisfied.
FYI – sparkpeople has helped me learn that ONE HOUR roller skating/blading burns almost 700 calories! That’s INSANE!!! I usually skate for at least 90 minutes, but most times it’s 2 hours! I would think with that kind of exercise, I should be able to eat whatever the fuck I want! Right?!?
Yesterday while I was driving home, I realized that Loverman’s birthday next week will mark the end of our 5th year together (plus a month or two, but we don’t technically even have an anniversary), and last night at skating it was like they knew exactly what I was thinking and played the song “Anniversary” by Tony Toni Tone.
While we were skating together, all close and snuggly-tight, I said to him, “You know, I realized something today on my way home from work. It’s kind of our anniversary, too. Did you know that next week will be the 5 birthday of yours that we have been together.”
His answer was silly, “So you say…” and then he nuzzled in closer to me and kissed my neck. I wish you could see how we skate together. Everyone says it’s like we’re one person. So smooth… It feels that way, too.
In our “skate family”, Loverman and I are a couple. No one knows any different. No one knows we are married to other people. For as long as they have known us, we have been together, and we’re a couple. We skate like a couple, we act like a couple, we talk like a couple (and other stuff, too. Pretty much because we are a couple)… About a year ago one of them asked how long Loverman and I have been married — I think I blushed, but my response was simply, “We’re not married to each other, but we’ve been happily together for about 4 years.”
So… While we were skating together, to that slow and sexy couples-skate song, one of our friends skated past and teased, “Get a room!” and then winked at us. I can’t remember what Loverman’s response was. It was something like, “I’m barely even touching her!” The reply was short and sweet, “It’s the thought that counts.”
Happy Friday, everyone!!! Have a great weekend! May the good things in life find their way to you, too!