Smitten with Him

grown-up stuff happens here sometimes

Say Good-Bye to Another Horsefly

innovative-dog-quote-sorry-but-my-dog-thinks-youre-an-asshole-and-i-believe-him

Mitch is gone.

I’m going to keep this as short and sweet as possible because we were only side fucks to each other.

Granted we were side fucks for 2 years, but that’s all we were or would ever be.

Still, the little prick doesn’t deserve very many more of my words.

Read the rest of this entry »

2 Comments »

Life is Like a Joke (for Someone Else)

There were a couple of days last week that could have possibly gone a little bit better.

Last Tuesday started out like it was going to be a normal day. I woke up with Alaska, morning sex, shower, kiss good-bye, the whole bit. It was nice.

But…Tuesdays

Read the rest of this entry »

17 Comments »

Lunch

Holy Fuck! This is supposed to be a blog about my Adventures in Infidelity, but I have been so consumed emotionally with work that I can barely think about anything else.

I need to get the fuck out of this place and here is why:

Crazy Girl at work offered to take Boss Lady to lunch today.

Boss Lady accepted.

I can’t help but worry that it’s because they want to talk about me behind my back.

Maybe they’re going out to lunch with my Caregiver so all 3 of them can bitch about what a cunt I am.

It sure would be nice if I didn’t feel that way.

It would be a lot easier to do my job if I wasn’t constantly worrying about my co-workers going out of their way to find my mistakes (electronic, verbal and emotional).

I completely understand that the world doesn’t revolve around me.

And I am trying not to think about it.

But, the truth is, I fucking care about what other people think and (especially) what they are saying about me behind my back.

I want to, but I can’t shut it off.

6 Comments »

Support

Loverman and I haven’t really had any alone time together for about 3 weeks. His work schedule has completely changed. He has been coming skating with Thing #1 and me on Thursday nights, but I can’t kiss on him and molest him then!

Supposedly, we are going to finally get to spend tomorrow night together. He has already told me not to get too excited, they might change his schedule again.

Strange but true: I actually have mixed feelings about seeing him.

Last week when I was telling him about the drama going on at work, he kind of blamed me!

It really hurt my feelings! Everyone is already on the side of Crazy Girl at work. He’s supposed to be on MY side.

After listening to him for a minute, I interrupted, “I need you to be on MY side here. I really do. You are my best friend and I need to know that when I come to you with a problem, you aren’t judging me. I need your support, baby. This situation at work is completely out of control and I haven’t been able to see you and ‘recharge’. I am having a really tough time going to work every day.”

He acquiesced then and said, “If you feel like you need to look for a different job, Mama, then that’s what you should do. I just don’t understand why we can’t all get along.”

We were on the phone, but I wanted to hug him because of how quickly he backed off. “I know, baby. I want to get along and keep the job I currently have, too. But it isn’t working out that way.”

Then I added, “I really hate having to talk to you about this crap anyway. I like how we’re always happy together and I really try to keep it that way.”

He agreed.

The subject changed and eventually we were both laughing and back to normal.

P.S. When I wrote this post in my head last night it was much more eloquent 😉

Leave a comment »

On Being Myself

NotABitch

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with me.

I think I am a pretty damn cool person.

I am happy with who I am.

Should I have to change the person who I’ve become? The person I have finally learned to like?

How do I know if who I am is the right person?

Until lately I thought I was, but now I wonder if the me who I think is the best me…

…maybe isn’t even a good me.

8 Comments »

Entitlement or Reasonable Expectation?

This post is from last Wednesday.

I am going to whine.

Again.

I have been dreading coming into work.

Every.

Single.

Day.

The only thing motivating me lately is my paycheck.

Sad.

Yesterday, when I woke up, I even tried thinking:

If you know it will be a great day, it will be a great day!

But, as soon as I could see the office building on the horizon, my heart sunk in my chest and I felt like I would vomit.

I’ve been craving donuts every morning and there is a Voodoo Donuts right on my way to work.

am proud that I have only gone there twice since I started working here a little over 2 years ago.

But, both of those times were in the last 14 days *sigh*

In the last month I have had some challenges.

Not only with the Off-the-Chain-Crazy-Girl that I work with in my local office (who I have written about a couple of times in the past), but also with two ladies that work in the Atlanta office. Those two are always challenging my authority and trying to find all my mistakes. I make mistakes, of course. And I own them when I find them — or someone else finds them for me — I just don’t like it when they are put on public display and I am humiliated in the process of pointing it out.

My awesome Boss-Lady nipped the Atlanta ladies about 2 weeks ago, but there is still residual tension…

Which would be okay to work through except for Off-the-Chain-Crazy-Girl here in Denver. It’s just her and me and Boss-Lady; the 5 Realtors are in and out of the office all of the time, but none of them work full-time here (and all of them are men).

I am lucky that I have my own office, right?

That should be one of the things that I look forward to when I come to work, right?

Or should I feel more like I am in a cage being held captive for 40+ hours every week?

I used to work in a cubicle environment. It was not ideal, but it was okay.

There have been many times recently when I wished I still worked in a cubicle because, then, no one would be able to come into my office and close the door behind themselves to have a “private” conversation with me. The start of the conversation being, almost every time, “I don’t know what your problem has been lately. Blah, blah, yammer, yammer…”  (her ‘polite’ approach really helps me to be attentive to her…)

When I try to speak up, I am then told not to interrupt: interrupting is rude.

Once, I did get to say, “This right here, when you come into my office, close my door and start off by telling me I can’t defend myself. That’s kind of what my problem is.”

Needless to say, that didn’t end well.

Every time I defend myself to her she says, “But YOU did that to ME, too.” Sometimes I did, more often I didn’t.

Am I wrong to think that my office should be an environment that I can actually have some control over? (notice I say “some”, I understand that complete control is out of the question.)

There are so many uncontrollable elements that come at me every day, I wish I could feel that my office was more of a safe haven. Someplace where I can feel comfortable and “in control”.

But I can’t.

When Off-the-Chain-Crazy-Girl comes into MY office and closes the door behind herself, I am immediately put on edge and feel defensive. At that moment, I have lost complete control of my “safe haven” environment and I feel like I am in fight-or-flight mode. Especially when she is standing over me, directly between me and my only way out (my office is very small. There is no room for both of us to be standing on that side of my desk in front of the closed door. It’s definitely not big enough in which to have a heated conversation) and I am forced to wait until she allows me to speak or she finally leaves.

Most times, these conversations start with, “I don’t know what’s been going on with you lately” or something very similar to that. And, when I attempt to respond (aka ‘defend myself’) I am told not to interrupt!

Basically, it feels like I am sitting captive in MY office while she stands over me ‘insisting’ on how we need to make things right. Right now. Eventually, when there is a break where I can speak and I try to weigh in, I am told not to interrupt?!…

It’s like Off-the-Chain-Crazy-Girl is a bully who wants me to be her BFF and will keep forcing me to like her until I finally do (even if it’s out of sheer terror!).

I would love to be able to work from home 1 or 2 days a week like Boss-Lady. Or maybe work four 10-hour days? I asked. It’s not possible.

I also asked about moving to one of the agents’ cubicles and letting the agents use my office as theirs. That’s not possible either.

I should just be thankful that I have a job. Office or not.

BangHeadHere_thumb[9]

4 Comments »

Words About My Weekend

I have all sorts of thoughts racing around in my head. If this is fragmented, I apologize. It’s just my frustrated thoughts.

The trip to my Caregiver last Friday night went much worse than I expected. *sigh*

Like every other time when I go to buy my stuff from her, I gave my Caregiver a hug right away, put my money on the counter, and asked her for what I wanted.

This time she said, “I don’t think so, Hita. Not right now. First I think we need to talk about what’s been going on at work the last couple of weeks. I’m really upset with the way you’ve been treating my daughter .”

The look on her face and the tone in her voice led me to believe that she was going to be cutting me off.

I asked if I could sit down and take off my jacket (I wanted to get comfortable for the rest of my “talking to”, and I also wanted to listen to what she had to say because I really respect this woman). She told me to make myself comfortable and then asked me if I wanted a glass of water.

“No, thank you.” I responded.

Before I went over to her house, I expected that she was going to want to talk with me about how things are going at work; about my interactions with her daughter. I actually wanted to talk to my Caregiver about it and see if there is a different way that I can approach her daughter.

I also hoped that maybe she wanted to hear my side of the story.

She didn’t, at least not until all of the very worst things had been said.

I am an idiot to have thought that initially would want to hear my side of the story. According to her daughter, I had been a complete ogre to her for the last two weeks.

My Caregiver proceeded to stand in front of me and tell me all the things wrong that I had said to her daughter.

The Off-the-Chain-Crazy-Girl that I work with has been lying to people outside of my normal circle (yet whom I still respect) about what I am saying to her. Apparently, I told the Crazy Girl that I don’t want to be best friends any more (???), and I told her she treats me just as badly as she treats her boyfriend (every time he makes her unhappy she threatens to leave him, then she fucks him later to ‘make it right’ – I would be happy if she left me!).

I never said a single one of those things to Crazy Girl.

I guess I make the poor girl cry every single day and now all the people in my office can’t stand being around me because of it. The exact words from my Caregiver’s mouth were, “Nobody in your office likes you right now.”

My heart fell out of my chest onto the floor and I think I stopped breathing. I thought that most of the people I worked with, the 5 agents in the office, liked me just fine. Boss-Lady gave me my annual review just last week and told me that I was doing really well working with the people around me and is proud of my improvement.

In my head, I was ready to put my jacket back on and leave. But, like I said, I respect this woman. She has helped me through some difficult emotional times and I appreciate her straightforward point of view — and I really REALLY wanted to buy my drugs(!!!).

Eventually, after she had broken me down to the point of trembling and barely being able to breathe, she let me defend myself.

I told her that I understood her protecting her daughter and I appreciated it because I have daughters, too.

I explained that I never said those things to her daughter. Not once. Ever.

I said that Crazy Girl has a tendency to take things very personally when I am simply being professional. I explained that I have been a trainer at several of my past jobs and have NEVER had these kinds of problems when I am trying to teach someone something.

It’s like Crazy Girl is holding me responsible because she feels stupid when she finds out how simple the thing was… You know? She even calls herself an idiot after I help her. *I* don’t.

My Caregiver heard everything I had to say and apologized for hurting my feelings and bringing up the whole thing.

But she had to. In order for our relationship to survive, she had to concede a small bit and I had to listen to an hour of slander.

It hurt and I am SO glad that I had today off (Columbus Day, bank holiday).

I don’t think it was a long enough time to erase the hurtful things I heard on Friday night. I will just have to hunker down and work on the budgets and try not to think about the lies that my crazy co-worker is telling about me behind my back. *sigh*

I don’t know how to be anyone else but myself…

page-separator-md

Saturday night, right after I parked my truck at the skating rink, my friend ‘Amy’ knocked on the passenger window and asked if she could get in. She needed to talk.

I unlocked the door. She sat down next to me, closed the door and started to cry.

She told me that, about a month ago she got herself involved with Sexy Skaterman. She had just broken up with him that morning.

It turns out that she couldn’t handle all of his sexy talking to other women (and sexy touching). Even when he told her that he was “just talking to them, baby. It’s nothing.”

Last Thursday night, someone approached Amy and told her that she shouldn’t get involved with Sexy Skaterman because he was a player.

That, along with him touching some other woman all night Friday while they were supposed to be on a date, made her rethink her “relationship” with him! Then, he took her home and acted like it was no big deal.

She couldn’t handle it and broke up with him. She was glad to see that I showed up to go skating Saturday night because she didn’t know if she would have been able to make it by herself.

I had no idea this woman was involved with that asshole.

But, apparently Loverman knew all about it.

And when I told him about it later while we were talking on the phone, Loverman said, “I told you I didn’t like that guy. I know he’s a player. If I ever find out that you slept with him, you will be SO sorry. I get so angry when I see you talking to him.”

First, I guess I’m glad that I didn’t sleep with Skaterman.

Second, I am kind of grateful to see that Loverman is finally claiming some kind of ‘possession’ of me.

Third, what he said really hurt me. I can’t figure out where I am at with Loverman. He’s very jealous and scared that I will fuck someone else, but he practically throws me into their arms with his vocal and blatant lack of trust.

I tried to reassure him by saying, “I’m not going to fuck Skaterman. I know what kind of douchebag he is and I am glad I haven’t fallen under his spell. I just wish that you could hear me when I tell you that my heart is all yours. I wish you could see it. It breaks my heart when you tell me how much I don’t care about you.”

Loverman wouldn’t hear me. He was blinded by jealousy and focused on the fact that he thinks (rather, he knows) I am definitely going to fuck Skaterman (which I am not).

I got upset with him and asked him to change the subject. I told him that it would be a lot easier for me to NOT screw around on him if he wasn’t constantly telling me he knows I’m going to.

When he gets like that I can’t talk to him. He’s completely blinded by jealousy and rage at all of his exes.

But, instead of getting my feathers ruffled this time (because he is partly right about me), I let him be angry with me for potentially cheating on him with someone I didn’t. Even though I could have because Loverman is always telling me I am going to anyway.

I realize the last paragraph was practically unintelligible. I just hope you could understand what I am trying to say…

And I haven’t even had a single drink since the bottle of wine when I got home Friday.

Leave a comment »

I don’t think I’m going to make it through this month at work

Work Sucks!

I have to do the 2015 budgets for all three of our locations. It should take me a couple of weeks to finish. Need I say more?

The ladies in Atlanta are still thwarting established procedures, but it should be getting a little better since that manager has been put “on notice” for the 3rd time in as many months *sigh*

I have an office mate here in Denver and her personality is like the weather here: hot, then cold, then raining, then sleeting, then hot enough to melt everything, then a bunch of very pleasantly-deceptive comfortably-warm days, then snow, then hot, then more snow, then sleet… I think you get it right? It’s fine for weather, but not for co-workers. I can’t stand working with her! In my entire life, I have never had so much difficulty getting along with someone I work with! She is SO hard to work with that I am actually entertaining the idea of finding a different job.

But, it’s retrograde right now and I shouldn’t be making any crazy plans like quitting my job! Plus, we might get a Christmas bonus at the end of the year, so it would be stupid for me to leave now: with only 3 months left.

My words aren’t coming out right either. Every time I think about writing a post, I come up empty. When I try to think of what I want to say, there is nothing…

I have been thinking about doing some free-flow writing in the evenings before I go to bed… Maybe revving up my “attitude of gratitude” will help.

But, for right now, I think:

job-crushing-my-soul

6 Comments »

Things in General

I was hoping that I would get the replacement charger/power supply for my laptop before the weekend, but it looks like that isn’t going to happen 🙂 I did go to Best Buy last weekend to get one, though. It turns out that the chargers are 3-times more expensive there (or at Radio Shack) than through EBay *sigh*. So, I paid $11.99 instead of $37-$70 and I am now at the mercy of the seller and the USPS. If I’m lucky, I will get it Saturday.

Yesterday and today have been a little quieter at work. Which is really nice because I have been so busy lately that I have been making to-d0 lists and prioritizing things. Busy is nice, too, it’s just nice to have a break. (**PLUG** If you or someone you love is looking to buy or sell a house in Denver, let me know and I can hook you up with our website and one of our agents! 🙂 )

Sad EeyoreMr. Doom-n-Gloom has been his regular gloomy self. I would say that he is like Eeyore, but Eeyore is cute and endearing, Mr. Gloom is only dreary and gloomy. He wears it like a uniform — something that he puts on every single day when he leaves his hole of a bedroom. I would expect that he would be a little more happy because he got the test results from his most recent bloodwork and found out that his kidneys are now functioning at 42% — up 8% from three months ago. He was disappointed that I didn’t do a happy dance with him, but I wouldn’t be happy if my kidneys were only cleaning out my body at 42% effectiveness… Especially since his complete bodily neglect is what landed him in this predicament to begin with — still now he isn’t eating what he’s supposed to and he’s stopped exercising completely! I can be thankful to him, though, because he has really inspired me to lose weight and stop doing evil things to my body. I want to be around until my kids are sick of me and praying for me to die! I want to see Thing #1 and Thing #2 as adults. I want to see my grandkids grow up and become adults (if my girls have any). When I ask Mr. Gloom about these things, he just shrugs and says, “If I see them I see them.” He has already resigned himself to death-by-60 and, even though his father has broken the ‘curse‘, Mr. Gloom is perpetuating a self-fulfilling prophecy of doom.

On another gloom note… Boss-lady stayed home today because of the weather, so that has given bitchy girl, my co-worker, carte blanche to do whatever she wants. She spent two hours from the second she got here at 9AM, arguing with different customer service reps about car loans and why they won’t give her one… I am guessing they really won’t give her one if she keeps talking to them the way she has been… A while ago, a full 135 minutes after she got here, she stormed out of the office and slammed the door. Honestly, I am completely over her professionalism drama. Every fucking time that boss-lady is gone, bitchy girl has a meltdown — I am just hoping this time that it doesn’t overflow on me. Just a sec, let me go close my door in case she gets any ideas of who to go after next…

Okay, now for a little bit of goodness (because that’s what really keeps me going)…
Loverman and I have been totally enjoying each other’s company and I have been completely reveling in it. The last 4 months have been filled with fairly consistent date nights and skate nights. As for the sk8venture that we’re taking this October, I am SO excited! We’ve talked about it a couple of times and I think I have convinced him to go to the Price is Right on the Monday before we leave. If he’s serious, I am going to find out more info 🙂 It would be SO COOL if we got picked.

Last week my truck, Bear, started acting totally crazy. He doesn’t want to go up hills any more. Just a couple of weeks ago he had so much torque… Maybe he’s just sick of driving us up the mountain every week for “date night”. It’s also been revving like crazy — it acts like the throttle is stuck open, but it isn’t. Oil has been leaking through the valve cover gasket and saturating the spark plugs and wires. So, Loverman cleaned out the cylinders, the spark plugs and the plug wires on Monday and that seemed to help a little — but, sadly, not as much as it has been. This summer, we’re going to take him apart again and rebuild the engine — we were going to do it last year, but Loverman hasn’t been able to finish up my car yet. Once my ’95 Plymouth Breeze is back up and running, it will be time to work on Bear. He needs it.

It’s going to be a cold and snowy weekend here in Denver. I am going to try and finish the book I’ve been reading: Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn.

And then, of course there’s the Super Bowl!!

GO BRONCOS!!!

Time to Ride

Leave a comment »

Elway’s

I am so lucky, but so under-dressed.

Elways

This week the two other managing brokers for our little business are in town and my Boss-Lady wants to take them out for dinner tonight – to Elway’s restaurant in Cherry Creek! Along with them, she invited me, the bitchy girl that I work with and our Marketing “liaison” (for lack of a better word). Six of us will be in attendance 😉

I just finished looking through the menu to see if there was anything I would be comfortable ordering. There isn’t. There is a salmon entrée that might be yummy, or perhaps a salad… Maybe just cheesecake! A glass of wine will cost more than I normally spend on dinner for both me AND Loverman!

Don’t get me wrong, this is a wonderful invitation to somewhere I would NEVER be able to afford myself. I am so happy and so appreciative, but I sure wish I had known about it so, at the very least, I could have worn better shoes!!!

5 Comments »