Smitten with Him

grown-up stuff happens here sometimes

I Miss Us

The other day my broken heart felt like a panic attack

It started racing

My mind chased after

I had to remind myself to breathe…

Stop thinking…

“Why do you let him have that much power over you?” I asked myself


I miss us.

Not Loserman so much, but US…

What we were together

When we were awesome

Or were we ever really awesome?

Was I just lying to myself because I wanted us to be awesome?

I am SO angry with him for breaking us

For making me question what we were

I don’t even want us back

I don’t think we could even have us back

So now I’m trying to start fresh all over again

With someone else

Something different we’re learning together

It’s hard to be newly vulnerable and trusting

While I’m still hurting

But he’s being vulnerable, too

I am thankful for this blog so I can just word-puke it all out there

And I don’t have to try and explain all these feelings to Mr. X

He’s trying to help me, but I’m blocking part of myself from him

Right now I wish he could fix me


Beat it out of me

Spank it

Tickle it, kiss it, love it


I don’t know, just make it go away!

The memories hurt and I want to forget every bit of it


Foul and Moody Do Not a Good Foundation Make

Saturday grocery shopping is getting harder and harder to do. Every weekend (because the husband allegedly refuses to get a driver’s license) I get to drive Mr. Doom-n-Gloom and Thing #2 around to do the weekly shopping.

I don’t really know what I’m trying to say here. When it comes to Mr. Doom-n-Gloom I can never pin down what I mean… With him it’s a deep emotional manipulation that he’s been playing for years. I get lost in it because he completely uses my emotions. He plays off of pity (he acts truly pathetic and, at this point, I think he only does it so I will let him stay here with me out of pity).

When I try to actually bring up some kind of problem that I have with him he turns it back onto me; if that doesn’t work, he starts to play the martyr (pathetic) card, and when that doesn’t work he gets petulant. He acts like a dog who I have beaten too much and he just gets so pathetic that I have given up trying with him because I know, at this point, no problem/s can truly be dealt with (and, because of his lovely behavior, NEVER will!).

He’s so foul and moody all the time. All his conversations are negative. I can’t remember if it was always this way, or if I just started realizing it now that I am trying to practice more gratitude (I wish he would try a little bit of that!!!). His complaining is starting to rub off on Thing #2 and I would like to “nip this thing in the bud”. My conversations with her about gratitude fall on completely deaf ears as she watches her father reflect on the Pitiful Heaviness of Being.

Here is an example:
Every single morning he complains about the guy that drives him to/from work. Every single morning I ask him why he keeps riding with this guy if he hates him so much. Mr. Doom-n-Gloom’s response, every single morning is, “He’s a reliable ride.” But every single morning we have that same, exact conversation… What I think is: after all this time, this dude is the only one at his job that can actually tolerate being alone with Mr. Doom-n-Gloom for longer than 5 minutes. Meanwhile, this ENTIRE getting-driven-to-work situation could be prevented if the muther-f##ker would just get his muther-f##king driver’s license!!!!

Thing #1 doesn’t even like to be around him any more. She avoids interacting with him when at all possible — it’s sad that she doesn’t want to have anything to do with her father. She is frequently hurt by Mr. Doom-n-Gloom’s behavior towards her and the things he says. At one point he told her that he probably wasn’t going to live to see her graduate high school — that devastated her. (I told him one day that I felt that was a COMPLETELY inappropriate thing to say to his underage child!!! He simply said, “It’s probably the truth. She needed to know” and that was the end of it.) She pulled back from their relationship and, ever since then, has been very distant toward him — in turn, he treats her even more negatively. Making no attempts at repairing the damaged relationship with his oldest daughter — knowing full-well that she turns 18 in 2 months and will probably be moving out of his life soon. She feels the favoritism that he has towards Thing #2, it’s obvious, he doesn’t try to hide it in any way (at times I think he does it intentionally — emotional manipulation…) but he says that it’s Thing #1’s fault. I say, who gives a flying fuck whose fault it is?! You are the adult and the father. BE THOSE THINGS!!

It is pointless for anyone to talk to him about it. He just acts butt-hurt and slams doors for an indeterminate amount of days. In the end it boils down to what appears to be a lack of respect and consideration for any other physical beings outside of himself. All he can think of is himself and how miserable everything is for him all the time. I have tried to tell him that feeling a little gratitude for the little things might help his foul outlook on everything else.

The man obviously needs therapy, if just to learn how to act towards other people… Because I am not going to tolerate his childish behavior forever — I have told him as much. It doesn’t seem to matter to him (probably because I have never left him and I am still here). Even therapy seems pointless because we would have to go together in order to get him to go and that would be under the false pretense that I want to make our marriage work again (our marriage never worked. I didn’t know what a functional relationship was supposed to be like. It was always broken like this, I just didn’t see it until 5 years ago) — it would just be he two of us “fighting with supervision”. Mr. Doom-n-Gloom thinks he’s a totally wonderful person and that everyone else has the problem.

Here are a few examples of how he acts; in private, in public, on the phone, with strangers, etc… I am guessing that this could be why people aren’t his “friend” for more than a few months before they stop talking to him (or stop giving him rides to work).

  1. He interrupts individuals mid-sentence so he can correct them
  2. When someone talks about something positive he brings up why it’s so negative.
  3. UNLESS his illness (his kidneys are functioning at 35% because of his prolonged, untreated high blood pressure) is the topic of conversation, then the words are always great! He likes to put a positive spin on this one so he can rationalize that “it isn’t that bad” — but he’s still drinking 64 ounces (NO SHIT! Two full pots a day — cream and sugar and everything) of coffee a day and eating like food will be extinct tomorrow (but no fruits or veggies! Oh, No! Only the processed chemical-filled demi-food is good enough for his sick belly)… He will lie talk about his progress with you for hours… I think he’s delusional…
  4. He hears someone (anyone) talking and has to become a part of the conversation — sometimes when I’m/they’re talking on the phone — most of the times to correct what’s being said (is that a superiority or inferiority complex?!)
  5. When I try to talk to him about something, like cleaning up a mess he made (example: leaving the remnants of raw chicken just sitting on a cutting board in the kitchen after dinner has been cooked and eaten — he just leaves the entire mess on the counter. I strongly believe in cleaning things up while they’re still “fresh”) or how I don’t appreciate it when he interrupts, he gets very upset and, no matter how calm the situation is, he totally freaks out and slams his bedroom door and then proceeds to ignore me and/or huff at me for at least 2 more days. I don’t condone this behavior but when I try to tell him that a 44-year-old man doesn’t act like that, he does it again! So I don’t talk to him about it — incidentally, this is how Thing #2 acts as well.
  6. I think his favorite is how he likes to complain about other people’s behavior and comment, under his breath, how much he hates it when others display the same exact behavior he demonstrates on an almost ritualistic basis.
  7. He does all this in front of (and to) our daughters as if this is acceptable social behavior.

I don’t know, it seems like it could be, but I need someone on the outside to tell me:
Do you think Mr. Doom-n-Gloom truly is a Narcissistic Sociopath? Am I in denial that his emotional condition is that degraded? Or am I completely exaggerating the situation because I am too melodramatic and intolerant? Do you think that *I* am a narcissistic sociopath?