Aside

On: Hating Myself

Last week Alaska and I were talking about general things and, I don’t remember how the subject of self-esteem came up, but it did.

I told Him that, every morning while I am doing my yoga, I repeat over and over to myself: “I am light, I am love, I am a gift.” (I have been doing this since mid-January.)

But, even though I repeat that mantra to myself day after day, I am still unable to feel love for myself.

I mean, I think I am a cool person, and I believe that I am indeed light and love and a gift and all that, but I still don’t love myself.

In fact, for all the good things that I allegedly am, I still pretty much hate myself.

Read more

Advertisements
Video

“I Can’t Decide”

I Can’t Decide
by the Scissor Sisters

super cute fan video!

and a fun song…

It’s not easy having yourself a good time
Greasing up those bets and betters
Watching out they don’t four-letter
Fuck and kiss you both at the same time
Smells-like something I’ve forgotten
Curled up died and now it’s rotten

I’m not a gangster tonight
Don’t want to be a bad guy
I’m just a loner baby
And now you’re gotten in my way

I can’t decide
Whether you should live or die
Oh, you’ll probably go to heaven
Please don’t hang your head and cry
No wonder why
My heart feels dead inside
It’s cold and hard and petrified
Lock the doors and close the blinds
We’re going for a ride

It’s a bitch convincing people to like you
If I stop now call me a quitter
If lies were cats you’d be a litter
Pleasing everyone isn’t like you
Dancing jigs until I’m crippled
Slug ten drinks I won’t get pickled

I’ve got to hand it to you
You’ve played by all the same rules
It takes the truth to fool me
And now you’ve made me angry

I can’t decide
Whether you should live or die
Oh, you’ll probably go to heaven
Please don’t hang your head and cry
No wonder why
My heart feels dead inside
It’s cold and hard and petrified
Lock the doors and close the blinds
We’re going for a ride

Oh I could throw you in the lake
Or feed you poisoned birthday cake
I wont deny I’m gonna miss you when you’re gone
Oh I could bury you alive
But you might crawl out with a knife
And kill me when I’m sleeping
That’s why

I can’t decide
Whether you should live or die
Oh, you’ll probably go to heaven
Please don’t hang your head and cry
No wonder why
My heart feels dead inside
It’s cold and hard and petrified
Lock the doors and close the blinds
We’re going for a ride

Sunday Morning Good-Byes

Sunday Morning Good-Byes

Waking up with him Sunday morning was even more wonderful than Saturday.

We woke with the sun. I started stirring about an hour before he did, fading in and out of dreamland, enjoying the way he felt laying next to me, relishing the comfort of the bed and the warmth of the blankets.

And

My head fits perfectly in the nook of his left shoulder.

Perfectly.

Image result for sleeping together tumblr

So much so, that my neck doesn’t start to get stiff or my arm underneath doesn’t fall asleep. In fact, it’s so comfortable there, I can actually fall back to sleep in that place.

(A week later, TC still wakes up with thoughts that I am cradled there on his arm.

See?

Perfect. 😉 )

Read more

“Believe In Me”

“Believe In Me”

I really, really, really, really like this song!

So, I hope you do, too!

Believe In Me
by Jamie Lidell

Lyin’ with you I don’t want to cry
Baby, won’t you dry your eyes?
I don’t want to keep thinking of all we could’ve been
And all the ways I could’ve tried
I’m always afraid of you and what I put you through

Baby, please, let me try

[chorus]
Believe in me, oooh
How am I supposed to believe in myself?
How am I supposed to believe when I see
You don’t believe in me?

Think of the way you used to sigh
And all of the dreams that could’ve been real…
If I was being there… (???)
With what was left for me (???)

Baby, please, don’t make me cry

[chorus] x2

 

Crying Doesn’t Help

Crying Doesn’t Help

Maybe Loserman left me because my blow jobs only merit a 6.5

OR

Perhaps it’s because my kisses are too sloppy or give him a rash

Either way it doesn’t matter, right?

He’s gone and no matter how *I* feel, it doesn’t matter.

AnotherGirl

My ‘friends” have been trying to get me to cry about Loserman.

They say I need to feel those feelings

(My actual REAL friends, all TWO of them, haven’t said anything about it. When they found out Loserman was gone, they both just told me that they would be there for me if I wanted to talk. And that’s all they’ve said.)

Incidentally, I have cried about him every day since last Thursday.

It doesn’t help. Why does everyone tell me it will?

The last time I saw him  I told him that I missed him, and his response was, “I miss you guys, too.” WTF? Who are ‘you guys’? My kids?!?!

I’m nothing special to him.

Have You Ever

Have You Ever

Have You Ever
performed by Brandy

[Chorus]
Have you ever loved somebody so much
It makes you cry
Have you ever needed something so bad
You can’t sleep at night
Have you ever tried to find the words
But they don’t come out right
Have you ever
Have you ever
Have you ever been in love
Been in love so bad
You’d do anything to make them understand
Have you ever had someone steal your heart away
You’d give anything to make them feel the same
Have you ever searched for words to get you in their heart
But you don’t know what to say
And you don’t know where to start
[Chorus]
Have you ever found the one
You’ve dreamed of all your life
You’d do just about anything to look into their eyes
Have you finally found the one you’ve given your heart to
Only to find the one won’t give their heart to you
Have you ever closed your eyes and
Dreamed that they were there
And all you can do is wait for the day that they will care
[Chorus]
What do I gotta do to get you in my arms baby
What do I gotta say to get to your heart
To make you understand how I need you next to me
Gotta get you in my world
‘Cause baby I can’t sleep
[Chorus]
Have you ever?

Songwriter(s): Diane Warren, Christopher Braide