Smitten with Him

grown-up stuff happens here sometimes

My Response/s

I find it oddly coincidental that I received so much communication from you immediately after I re-opened my Ashley Madison account.

Why did you wait to send all of your emails at the same exact second? Why couldn’t you send each email one at a time, every 2-3 days starting last Sunday…??? If you had done that, this wouldn’t even be happening and we would probably be on “better terms” as you say.

This is stoopid hard! In fact, I don’t even know why you keep coming back… Is it so you can let me down again and then be able punish/hate yourself for fucking up again? Do you want (or need) me (or your wife) to be disappointed in you? Are you creating distance between us on purpose? Why are you making it so hard for me to be vulnerable with you? Why do you find it so difficult to be vulnerable with me? I don’t understand… It always seemed like Loserman was doing all of that, too…

I don’t believe you are being entirely forthcoming with me. My thinking that you are keeping things from me doesn’t help me to trust you.

Your poem was entirely too cryptic…

We had become attached.
There was more to it than that.
The layers and partitions have changed.
It was never my intention to become estranged.
Strange how this works.
Both women in my life are saying I am making them hurt.
I apologize for my change in focus.
My changes, are the things that broke us…

 

(his response to my post Fade Away)

I just want to give up every time things get tough. I like you a big fat shit ton, but I’m not actually convinced that you like me as much as you think you should/do. Or maybe you feel sorry for me and don’t want to hurt my feelings. That’s how it seems from here.

I don’t want pity. I need help. I need to know that you will keep your word and not be entirely consumed by every squirrel that darts past…

you-were-born-to-be-real-p

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Ladies’ Night

Better Than the Boys

I went skating last night, like every single Saturday night. This week, like last, I skated alone because Thing #1 wasn’t feeling well.

Earlier in the afternoon I texted Sexy Skaterman and asked if he would be skating. It was Ladies’ Night after all. 😉

He responded, “Absolutely. It’s always Ladies’ Night.”

“Cool. I look forward to seeing you there. I hope you’re having a good day.”

That was the end of the texting until 10:30PM when he texted “I want you.” (Incidentally, I didn’t receive that text until after everything was over. Sometimes I leave my phone in the car while I’m skating.)

When he arrived at the skating rink I think it was around 10:45. I’m not entirely sure because I wasn’t waiting around for him watching the clock, I was skating and exercising and trying to stretch out my knee.

Once his skates were on, he rolled out onto the floor and I met up with him to say “Hi.” His arm went around my waist and mine around his and we skated and talked together a few times around the rink.

He kept pulling my hip into his hip and telling me how good I looked and he kept leaning over to smell my hair (Saturdays I don’t wash my hair. Anything he smelled and liked in there was all 100% me. I guess I should be 100% flattered!)

We skated around together for an entire song while he asked me, over and over again, what I wanted to do. The first few times I answered, I was a little coy but truthful, “I want to skate tonight. Then we’ll see.” He was very persistent and eventually I told him that I wanted some time to think about ‘what I wanted to do’. He was happy enough with that and skated away to flirt with the other girls.

I am not jealous of the other girls. It’s what he does. It’s how he is. All the men know it and he pisses the lesbians off. Also, there was no need for me to be jealous: he spent more time with me than any other woman there.

Towards the end of the skate session, Skaterman approached me again and asked, again, what I wanted to do.

I must have given him a confused look (I don’t know what I looked like, but I knew what I wanted to say to him) because he took my arm and said, “Let’s go sit down. It will be easier to talk.”

After we sat, I took a minute to form my question into a coherent thought, and then I asked, “If I said ‘Yes’ right now and told you I wanted to give it a shot what would happen?”

“I don’t do ‘Ifs,'” he answered. (What the fuck?!? I don’t do cryptic!)

“Well, *I need to know*… What do you want? When we get done with skating are we gonna get naked in the back of your truck and fuck like bunnies? Do we get a room? Do we make an ‘appointment’ for later? I have to know what you are expecting before I can even entertain your offer.”

His response was, “We can do that way if that’s what you want. We can do any of that. I’ve done all of that and I don’t have a problem with it. As long as you don’t get attached and this doesn’t get too complicated. Just know that once you say ‘Yes’ to me, it’s on and I will tear you up.”

I thought, We can’t have an uncomplicated “relationship”. I am already in 2 relationships, that immediately complicates things. Skaterman only knows about Loverman, but he knows that we are very close. He knows that Loverman is my “boyfriend”.

“Okay. So you want to ‘tear me up’ and I’m pretty sure I could do the ‘no attachment’ thing” (as you readers know, I can’t, I just wanted to see if he was going to go through with all of it.) “So, if I say ‘yes’ to you, what is it that you want?”

“I want to be with a woman who isn’t crazy.”

I scoffed. Like there is such a thing. Ha! “Ummm… You know that there is no such thing, right? I am proud of the fact that I am okay at curbing my Crazy, but she’s still there. You’re old enough, I’m pretty sure you know that. What do you really want, Skaterman?”

“I want to sleep with you.”

This time I practically rolled my eyes! WTF does that mean!? “You know that could mean two different things and you still aren’t answering my question. What do you want out of ‘this’?”

“I want to go to sleep with you and wake up with you in the morning and I want to know how we can make that work.”

WHOA! WTF? “Dude! It sounds like you are looking for me to make some kind of commitment outside of my Loverman and if I get into something deep like that, I am looking for a very specific type of man. You keep telling me how you want to ‘fill in the spaces’ that he leaves out but I need to know if you are the guy who can do that before I let you.”

Big surprise! He was offended. He stood up and said, “Well, I’m sure not going to change into something for you because that’s how you want me to be!”

OMG! Talk about crazy! He didn’t even know what I was looking for. He didn’t even ask. It could very well be that he was precisely the man who could ‘fill in the spaces’. I didn’t know how to respond to that. Luckily the DJ skated by at that moment and started talking to him.

It was a hilarious conversation that I totally have to share with you here! (the DJ is and 18-year-old lesbian, that is important):

DJ: You need to leave my girl alone! You know she’s 16, right? And she’s mine so you gotta stop it.

Skaterman: I’m just showing her new moves. Totally innocent. I don’t want your girl.

DJ: She told me what you said to her about wanting to get with her and give her a lap dance. Show her how it’s really done. Leave my girl alone, dude!

Skaterman: I can’t help it if she got the wrong idea. I’m sorry. I’ll be more careful.

As that interlude was ending, I skated away and skated the rest of the session by myself. When it was over at midnight I took off my skates, put on my shoes and left. I walked by Skaterman, who was talking to a girl 😉 , I said good-bye to the both of them, she responded.

When I got to my truck, I checked my phone to make sure that nothing had happened while I was at skating. And it was now that I got the “I want you” text from Skaterman. I sighed and then drove home.

I got home at 12:10, texted Loverman to let him know I made it home safe, and told him that I missed him and I would see him in my dreams. After that, I cut up an apple for myself, made some cheese and crackers and sat down to watch an episode of Rookie Blue (with a shot of tequila).

I hoped so much that Loverman would text me back quickly, but he was at work and it was Saturday night so I figured, when he didn’t respond right away, that he was busy.

I was nodding off to dreamland at 12:59 when the “barbie sparkles” sounded from my phone and I thought, Thank you, baby. I really needed to hear back from you tonight. I crossed my fingers and hoped with all my heart that Loverman was the one texting me to say “Good night, Mamacita.”

But, it wasn’t.

Boy, was I disappointed.

texts with skaterman

What an ass!! What the fuck was I supposed to do with “Hey”?

He didn’t respond to my last message.

I can’t say that I am disappointed.

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