Mick has really been quite a hero the past couple of weeks.
My roller skates broke and he fixed my old pair for me so I could skate while I was waiting for my replacements to arrive.
Since then, my replacements have arrived and been customized to my standards 😉 and I think I actually like the old ones better now… but that’s another story… back to the hero part…
Breezy has needed front wheel bearings for quite some time. I purchased the parts and Mick did the work. We spent the Sunday afternoon together. First I had some things I needed to get off my chest but after that it was him working and me asking questions. Car fixing fun!! Soon we’ll be fixing the rest of Breezy’s littler issues. It’s such a relief!
I think part of my issue with my submitting to you 100% is that I don’t really know my place. It’s hard for me to define myself as your little girl (or you as my Daddy) because, no matter what, for right now I am only the temporary ‘side bitch’. The thought is preventative and defeatist, I know, but I can’t get it out of my head. I am so lost and confused in my feelings about ‘us’. Right now I am supposed to be yours as your kitten/toy/doll/little girl, but I don’t really know what that means or entails. We’ve established boundaries, but not enough for me to establish a definite ‘role’. We are just starting to touch on which behaviors of mine are acceptable to you and which are not. When do I call you Sir or [Mick] or Daddy? Or are they interchangeable? Also something to think on, I don’t know why but I am having a tough time with calling you “Daddy”. It has slipped out in the past, before you defined yourself as such, now I find myself resistant to it. I am so fucked up…
Late Wednesday evening last week, Mick said something in an email that set me off. I don’t even know what it was that got me.
Maybe I was looking for an excuse to be angry with him or pick a fight… I don’t honestly know… Any enlightenment you can offer on the subject will be welcomed.
Hi baby doll,
I am so looking forward to tomorrow night. As always. Whether I am wailing on you or stroking you or just talking, I really like to be with you.
There are so many things that I want to know about you. I am not sure if you are ready to tell me yet. I know you are trying to not get too attached. I get that. There are things about me that I am not sure you want to know either. I have been having some random thoughts today and wanted to write some of them down. Your question at lunch yesterday was interesting how you posed it. [I asked if he was going to be able to keep up with me.] I am concerned about the age difference because it is more than I have been apart from anyone I have been with. I have not exactly been easy on my body through the years and I am concerned that I may not be able to keep you happy in a few years. Not just sexually, but in all aspects. I know that you have already made some “sacrifice” to be with me now. I don’t want you to have to keep making them for me. I want to make you happy for many, many years. I am pretty sure you are deserving of that. I am starting to think of my own mortality and don’t want people to sacrifice for me. I have lived most of my life believing that I need to sacrifice for others to try and repay for my past. I am in somewhat of a quandary and don’t know what to do. Let’s talk about this soon. Doesn’t have to be tomorrow. Just know that this is on my mind a lot, just as I think about how you make me feel is on my mind a lot.
Hope you had a good skate tonight. I want to come watch you sometime, but not sure if I should. I am doing my best to respect your position of not getting too attached.
Just kind of rambling now. Sleep well my sweet kitten and I will see you in dreamland. Read more ›
None of it was earth-shattering – even though it may have seemed so at the time (and possibly a little bit still on Monday).
Thursdayand Sunday were emotionally taxing on the Mick front: Thursday he had an “episode” (flashback) and, after waiting two days to discuss it in person, Sunday we met up to talk about it and us. (Mick and I have an agreement that feelings should always be discussed in person, unless it just isn’t practical.)
To be honest, I actually sent him a text Friday morning about my horrible “coffee” date Thursday night. His text response was, “That’s why I don’t date.” Then he called me about 15 minutes after that to check on me and make sure I was actually okay. (At this point, I had not yet made arrangements to have drinks with Rock Star.)
It was bad that Alaska called. I shouldn’t have answered. He was sweet and attentive and concerned. It made me think about him and his bed and his arms and our conversations… He’s a comfortable place that I wanted to return to. Hanging up with him was difficult because all I wanted to do was ask if I could see him.
When my thoughts were finally able to succumb to peace, I slept for maybe 2 hours.
Which kept Alaska from sleeping well, too.
The previous night, after he had ravaged me to the point I was scared enough to ask if I could go home, he became very gentle with me. The way he made love to me, the way he held me in his arms, the way he spoke to me, the way he woke up each time I stirred and made sure I was okay…
I wasn’t, but at the time I didn’t feel like I could tell him that… I was worried I would get another whipping and my ass wasn’t ready again so soon… Or my mind. My knees and ankles were hurting me to the point I could barely stay still in the bed, let alone kneel before him and submit again.